i'm starting it early. i hope that's ok?

how is everyone doing?

i guess seeing as i'm jumping the gun and starting the thread on sunday night i should explain why....

i pee'd on a stick this morning. 9 DPO.

it was positive.

like i say, i'm only 9 DPO, therefore 3 weeks 2 days (!!!!!). so it's an extremely early positive result. i was actually shaking when i saw it.

basically, i'm taking it as confirmation that it is possible for us to get pregnant. anything else is a bonus. i'm not hugely optimistic about the odds of it actually turning into a really-real pregnancy, but i'm kind of hopeful. more hopeful than i've been in a long time.

and i am having more early pregnancy symptoms than i did last time around. i'm very crampy, but i don't seem worried by this. i have no idea why.

sticky vibes much appreciated. congratulations can wait until after i've taken a second test and it's positive if that's OK???????

how's it going for everyone else?

OH B!!!! Super sticky vibes being sent your way!!!

B!! So happy to read this I don't quite know what to do with myself. Sending sticky vibes!

Thank you both :)

Sticky sticky sticky vibes!!!!!!!!!!

Sticky vibes and finger crossing and lots of love headed your way.

(Waiting for your BFP will take my mind off waiting until I can test.)

Sending sticky vibes and hoping to hear more good news soon. xx

Today's was positive too. Fingers crossed......

So how is everyone else? I do still want to know!

B, congratulations. I always read your blog, and I know it's been hard on you lately. I'm happy for you. A positive at 9 DPO is great. I'm hoping the best for you.

Aaaah, congratulations.

I'm okay. Back at the beginning of another cycle. Have another progesterone day 21 blood test to do - hoping actually to persuade him to support this cycle as I'll be away during my fertile patch next month while dh runs our website in the run up to Xmas. Once december is past we can't really risk ttc-ing any more as we'll risk an xmas baby and when you run a toy shop and know can go into scbu and die, this is not much of an option. So i can't ttc after january anyway really.

I'm distraught at realising more of my grief is from the ttc failures than Freddie. it's breaking my heart. And when I go away it will be with 4 of the little ons in my large group of friends who should be Freddie's little bunch of peers. It's going to be so hard. On that holiday last year I was so happy and pregnant.

Oh bum. I didn't read well enough and said the wrong word - sorry. Had just had some very bad news about something else and wasn't paying attention.

take the C word as being about getting something good to hold on to and I'll re say it when you pee happily again.

Sorry.

B - These are great news. It is so early and you already got a BFP! I have my fingers crossed for you.

I am not TTCing this month since J. is away. It sucks wasting a month, but I am trying to see the positive side of it. I will just relax, have fun with friends, start acupuncture, and hope I ovulate from the left side (the bad one). Love to all.

Sending my very best sticky vibes your way B! I'm so very pleased for you.

Oh Merry, it is heartbreaking when the grief over failed ttc attempts and the original grief from losing your child get all muddled up. Just terribly sad. I'm sorry that your time away is likely to have its tough moments, with all those little ones who should have had your Freddie in their midst.

I hope you have a relaxing month 'off' Francisca. It must be frustrating to lose a month but I hope you get a chance to enjoy time with your friends.

Merry - I felt the same way - I was grieving TTC as well as Foster. The whole thing sucks.

Cara - fingers are crossed for you too.

Francisca - I hope it's the left side too. Enjoy some wine for me please.

B - well, I already emailed it, but sticky sticky vibes.

AFM - 6w& change. I am tired and food aversions & gagging have started, cramping is minimal and I'm bloated like no one's business. No job offer yet and so I'm a bit anxious. Overall doing well though. Except... a family member on saturday was all "there's no way you can have another stillbirth!" and it made me mad. Of course I can still have another stillbirth. I'm not immune to it, I have the same 0.5% chance I had last time. Gah - I get people are trying to be positive but I find it difficult when people try to assure me with lies. Tell me facts so I know what I face. I'm worried that this is going to be my reality for the next 8 months, and now I have to figure out how to deal with more insensitive comments.

Anyhoo - It's Canadian Thanksgiving day. I am thankful for.. Glow, this little bean, and the future.

B!!!! :) :) :) :) :)

Well done! I pictured you shaking over your pee stick and I was warm to my toes. What a beautiful thing.

B!!!! :) :) :) :) :)

Well done! I pictured you shaking over your pee stick and it made me smile such a warm and fuzzy smile. What a beautiful thing.

Stoopid internet connection. :)

I changed 'warm to my toes' because, next to a reference to pee, it kinda sounded like I'd peed on them.. hahaha.. :)

Fabulous, B!! I've got fingers and toes crossed for you.

Oh, B, I am so happy to read this news! Crossing everything I've got ...

Great news B!! sending lots of good thoughts and sticky vibes.

Thinking of everyone

B, that's great news - sending many, many sticky thoughts and a lot of hope your way.

Great news, B!! Sticky, sticky, sticky!

Also, I'm lol at moops's edit. Warm toes, indeed.

Thank you so much again for all the positive thoughts and sticky vibes. I hope they work....!!

Merry, that all sounds really stressful and i'm sorry about the other bad news you've had, as if you haven't had enough going on. i'm sorry things are so hard (and don't worry about using the c word, i can cope here but it just seems really early for that).

I hope you enjoy your relaxing month Francisca!

Sarah H I'm hoping the pregnancy symptoms stay strong! It drives me mad the way that people are either all 'OF COURSE it won't happen again' or 'you do realise IT MIGHT HAPPEN AGAIN?!?' - neither is terribly helpful.

moops, you made me laugh!

MORE NEWS!!! i didn't mean to monopolise this thread! i hope those of you who are pregnant are as calm as is realistic and wish positive vibes to those TTC.

B! This is very good news. For what it is worth I am keeping my fingers crossed, sending sticky vibes, and thinking positive thoughts.

Sarah - Here's hoping that the food aversions remain as a reassurance... gee is that bad me wishing someone an upset stomach?? I just know that it was/is a reassurance to me that the hormones where racing through me like they should.

Cara - Fingers are crossed for you, we all know too well the 2WW anxiety.

Francisca - I hope it is you left side also, so that you right side is all ready for next cycle. I also did acupuncture and I feel that it did help.

AFM - I am almost 37 weeks, and because the baby is breech, (has been at almost every ultrasound) a c-section is scheduled on 10/28, at 39 weeks 1 day, unless I go into labor sooner. The ultrasound last Wednesday put her estimated weight at 7 lbs. 4 ozs. already. I wish I could have her out sooner, but my OB said that the Board of Obstetrics (or something like that) said that they are strict and against inducing or doing c-sections before 39 weeks UNLESS there is a problem that warrants it. Guess my mental health is not a problem that warrants it, huh? When he told me about the c-section I think that he thought that I would be upset about it, but it really does not bother me at all. My birth plan is as follows: alive and healthy, plain and simple. I told him I didn't care if he had to pull her out of my left ear, I just want her here alive and healthy.

Okay, what is the c word? I am completely clueless. Help!!!!!

News, news, news......ummmm, I'm alive. I'm doing okay actually. That's not really true. I'm bummed. But I'll survive. I've been really grieving the fact that my kids are going to be so far apart lately (this is assuming I have another one, or even if we adopt). I know in light of everything myself and everyone here has gone through, I should just want another baby, period. And I do, I do. It's just.....this was not the plan. And normally I'm okay with that, but this week....I'm just not.

And I'm bummed that I am stuck in the waiting game again. Thankfully we at least have appointments and things this week, I am anxious to get this all figured out, but here I am. Again. Just waiting till December, to try again, and hope against hope that it happens and it sticks. This is just getting so old. I want another baby but I am so. tired. of. this.

Thinking of all of you who are pregnant, hang in there, and everyone who is ttc, you hang in there too xoxoxo

Paula - Hang in there. I found the last week really rough and had my c-section bought forwards from 39+1 to 37+1 when I rang my ob in tears. I'm not sure where you are but I'm in Australia and they view the mothers mental health as a good enough reason here to deliver earlyish. I'll be thinking of you and looking forward to hearing about a safe arrival.

Everyone else - I'm thinking of you and hoping you're all pregnant soon or pregnancies continue to go smoothly.

Sarah - I had no ms at all in this pregnancy and no food aversion. I heard more than once from people who haven't lost babies told me 'you're lucky I was really sick during my pregnancy' which I hated because it just made me really paranoid I was going to miscarry and they had their children with them which I'd consider far 'luckier' than no ms.

Maddie x

thanks brianna!

paula i think mental health is a damned good reason to get the baby out early. i hope if you get desperate they will listen.

keely, the c word here is 'congr**ations'!

i'm sorry things are so hard :( i'm thinking of you.

maddie it always amazes me the stupid things people will say. i hope you're getting on ok and that max is doing well?

i'm doing ok. but i told a friend who has suffered a lot of miscarriages yesterday and she can't cope with the information :( i wish i'd waited to tell her but i wanted to let her know in case she popped in here or something. aaaargh. i'm so sad that this information has hurt her, even though i understand why.

it's not fair :(

i can't believe i'm complaining that it's not fair. i would like to retract that line.

i would also like to say to anyone who had that ache of 'WHY NOT ME' when they heard the news - either anyone who's actually posted or any lurkers - i do feel guilt that it's currently me and not any of the other deserving people out there. and i hope that one day soon you get your heart's desire.

love to everyone.

B, no need for any guilt. EVERYONE on here (and, yes, I'll even throw a bone to those who haven't lost a baby...) deserves the get pregnant. You've been through so much that you especially deserve this.

Hang in there, Keely. Thinking of you.

thank you steph. that means a lot.

Every time I read about a BFP, I think... "right... it sometimes takes time, but it does happen". It helps, it doesn't hurt. And I'm glad for everyone.

I agree with what Steph and Merry, there is no need for guilt on here. I can understand feeling that way, I felt that way myself, but really....if there is ever a board that you do not need to feel guilty about that on, this is it. Because we all know intimately how quickly and painfully things can go wrong. And that's why we need to celebrate (that's my c word) when things are going right, no matter how long it lasts and what the ultimate outcome might be. I am so happy for you B, and you Sarah, and you Paula, and everyone else who is pg right now. And even when I am bummed out, I have so much hope for myself. And so much hope for everyone here too. We can do this, and we ARE doing it, one step at a time.

I never have a hard time hearing about a babyloss mama getting a BFP. It makes a difference to know that they've been through the same kind of hell and understand, and it gives me a lot of hope too.

I'm at CD34 with no ovulation yet which has been very frustrating. I have this looming fear that I'm destined for fertility problems and that the fact that we conceived my son on the first cycle trying was just a magical fluke. I'm trying to be optimistic but after all that's happened, it's so hard.

Keely - Giant hugs. Thanks.

B - I felt guilty too. I think it's probably a form of survivor's guilt. Like 'why me' for good stuff.

Stacey - I worried about the same things with TTC. That Foster was a fluke, that we're destined to never have a living child. I vote normal in grief processing / TTC.

We just looked at the NILMDTS photos that were done of Foster. I didn't realize it at the time, but he had my nose (poor buddy). And the hugest feet. And the best lips (from his dad). And there's a photo where I absolutely look like a mother. I know this isn't thread specific, but I know it's understood.

Thank you Merry, Keely, Stacey and Sarah H.

I hope you ovulate soon Stacey. I think Sarah's right about fears of infertility or our pregnancies being a fluke being a normal part of ttc after loss. of course, that doesn't help; i think we are all scared we are that one who it really applies to.

Sarah I think we all understand, and I think it does belong on this thread.

Well. My tests are still faint. and my temp dropped .2C today from what it was yesterday. i guess i'm still only 12 DPO and my temp is still above the coverline, but i'm scared. if it's not going to stay i just want it to go now. but i want it to stay :( i know i should just stop taking my temp so i can stop tormenting myself but i want that bit of warning if i'm going to miscarry.

i don't know. i feel really weird. i'm less than four weeks and yet (up until this morning, at least) i have felt far more confident than i did last time. little things like, i never put my hand on my belly last time around. i felt like it would be an affectation, i wanted it to be natural if it happened. but i already am this time. and i never bought anything last time, and i have this time (just a little toy, but still).

aaaargh. i just want a guarantee that one day i will have a living child. and i know it doesn't work like that :(

b:

I FREAKIN' KNEW IT! i dreamt of you the other night and *BAM* you are pregnant! i strongly encourage you to keep temping. i did so with my subsequent pregnancy and was able to tell something was going wrong (i also had bleeding, which you don't so don't you worry mama!)

i'm so incredibly happy for you. from the deepest point of my heart i am.

it will happen for all of us. it just takes time. and while time might not always be on our sides, honor and enjoy the moments you aren't pregnant. eat sushi, drink wine, drink RUM! enjoy, enjoy, ENJOY!

be patient. it will happen. one way or another. right?

j:

Julie - Are you TTC now? If so, I hope you are soon. And yes - definitely eat sushi while you still can :-)

maddie:

no. still terrified of another loss. our record is 2-0 --- scared to add a 3 to the number.

B - I've been thinking good thoughts!

Julie - Thanks for this: it will happen for all of us. it just takes time. and while time might not always be on our sides, honor and enjoy the moments you aren't pregnant. eat sushi, drink wine, drink RUM! enjoy, enjoy, ENJOY!......I needed to hear that :)

AFM - DPO....5 and would you believe I've already taken 2 pg tests, seriously, what is wrong with me! I'm convincing myself I'm taking them so that I don't feel bad that I'm drinking coffee or wine or somethin....timing was def right, I'm sure I ovulated based on my temps but sadly I did see a dip today....trying to tell myself it is the "implantation dip". Oh well, whatever happens, happens right? At least I am learning about my cycle and will know more for future months.

I feel the need to introduce myself to you all, so I'll come back later and do so.

Thinking of you all.

I've started Clomid over here. So far not really anything in terms of side effects. I'm afraid that it won't work because I'm not feeling awful, but I'm not sure that it actually works that way.
DH has been having a harder time, and is realizing that he never really dealt with losing Caleb, and he's been trying to hard to be the big strong okay one for me, because I'm having a hard time lately with our lack of success and it being my messed up body, and needing to go on the god-forsaken clomid.

So it sucks butt. He is great and deserves to be a daddy and I want to HAVE SOME FUCKING WORDS with the universe about why it's doing this to him. Through me and my shitty reproductive failure.

I'm trying to drag myself out of my defeatist feelings and try to believe that this could actually happy, and that it can actually end well.
I'm so tired of making choices and plans around the spectre of "i could get pregnant any time." But at the same time, I STILL COULD and that's what the damned pills are supposed to be for. So I'm trying to do things like squash dentist appointments to fill a cavity in before I ovulate and before the insurance rolls over at the first of the year.

Melissa, hang in there. I have had no experience with difficulties trying to conceive so I can only imagine the hurt and frustration and hate for the universe you must have. We are all here to listen and share. Keep us posted.

So far, I am still pregnant maybe about 6-7 wks, not as far along as I thought. Still waiting on a second US to confirm that it is a viable pregnancy. I had an US about 10days ago and they couldn't see a fetus only the sac. They sugested that it could be a blighted ovum, it this is the case I would misscarry eventually or need to have a D&C. This was all in the emerg department.
After seeing my own Dr and looking at the dates she thinks it could be meassuring later than I really am. And if that is the case the US would have been done to early on to have shown anything. My Hcg # are still going up so we are starting to become a bit more optimistic that things could be good. Still having lots of preg symptoms, nausea and tender breasts and terribly tired. Hopfully these things are all good.

Thinking of you all.

Natalie - I hope the next US is more positive.

Julie - Yes. Indulging is the only way to get through. I already miss wine. ;-)

B - you ok?

AFM - saw the new MW clinic yesterday (my MW who delivered Foster has moved). Was ok with the abstract idea of being pregnant until we went in and were waiting for our appointment. And heard the bursts of static from the doppler through the walls. And yeah - no tears, but I have baggage. She's moved our due date to May 31st so no one will call it a June-bug again (true story). The MW's philosophy is still what we want so that's good. No weigh-in until after 20 weeks.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

xo
S

Just thinking of you all and sending sticky vibes, good luck and warm thoughts to you all. Hang in there, everyone. xo

moops - you would totally have got away with warm to my toes if you hadn't pointed out the pee reference! Now I'm wiggling my toes frantically!

Paula - I'm sorry that they won't negotiate on when your baby should be born. I know that I have somewhat skew views on prematurity but it seems to put you in an awful position if they won't consider anything earlier than 39 weeks. Especially as your little one is measured such a beautiful size. Hang on in there.

Keely - I think I understand, in my mind a little ticker marks off the age difference between my living daughter and any other child I might be lucky enough to have. I did want them to be very close together in age, as J might have been a twin, but it wasn't to be. I'm sorry that you are stuck back in the waiting game again.

Sarah H - you've made me cry. It's understood here I think.

S - I've also been an extremely early tester in my time. I hope it's your month. Look forward to 'meeting' you.

Melissa - I hope the clomid is going ok. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, it's hard living in that limbo.

Natalie - good to hear from you, I'd been wondering about how things were going. It all sounds positive, rising HCG and symptoms? Hoping for you.

afm - I'm finally outing myself. I'm pregnant but it is very early days. I went for a scan today and they think I'm 8+5. One baby with a steady heartbeat. As some of you might know, I'm a long term-ish resident of ttc, it's been two years since I lost one of my twins, and I hope that, as Merry says, this news helps, rather than hurts "... it sometimes takes time, but it does happen" It did take a little time for me but it happened in the end. Now I'm trying to hatch a plan, in collaboration with the medical bods, to try and help me stay pregnant for a reasonable length of time this go round.

Oh Catherine :)

((((((hugs))))))

Had a great appointment with MFM yesterday. He actually didn't even think we really needed to be there, which was good to hear. I told him that at this point, I am tired of losses and so we are going to run all kinds of tests but he thinks that we most likely have no problem. If there IS a problem, he thinks it is most likely MTHFR-related or a balanced translocation in our chromosomes. We are already treating appropriately for MTHFR mutations (5mg folic acid + baby aspirin) and there is no way to "treat" a translocation. He says we just need to keep trying, and that at my age our chances of eventually producing another healthy child are close to 100%. Fabulous. So we just need perserverance, which I can do, and patience, which is my worst failing as a human being. Ahhh, well.

Natalie, I hope everything is ok. That all sounds positive to me, but I know how hard the waiting game is.

Melissa, I would like to have some choice words too, for all of us.

Sarah, my birthday is May 30th and I cannot think of a better present than sharing my birthday week with your bean :)

Thinking of all of you, sending sticky vibes and good thoughts and whatever else we need today :) I will be in Texas for the weekend so likely not posting, but thinking of you guys always xoxoxox

Oh Catherine, I am so happy for you!!!!!! At least for me, it always helps :)

Oh Catherine, I am so happy to hear your news.
Hoping to share this journey with you.
How do you feel about having a singleton after the twins?
I am still coming to terms with it, even though I know I sould just be greatful.