how to stop lactation when there is no baby

A few of us have had the unfortunate and in multiple ways  painful experience with having to stop lactation after stillbirth or neonatal death. Here we pull together what we know, what has worked for us, what we learned later. If you have a reason to need this information, we are deeply, deeply sorry. If you are looking this up for your friend, your sister, your daughter, your wife, your patient, thank you for doing that, and please, tell her that we are sorry. And that when the milk being spilled was meant for your baby, there is every reason to cry over it.

Our experiences were different to some degree, so below, where applicable, we identify the person whose experience is relevant.

after stillbirth or very early neonatal death

[julia]   Nobody can tell you how long it will take to stop lactation, and it's different for everyone. It took me three weeks. Constant binding pressure was essential. I used a very tight bra, cabbage leaves therein, with another binding mechanism over the bra to provide the ability to put cold compresses in (I recommend bendable ice packs they sell for sports injury or frozen vegetables). And yet, that was not enough until over two weeks later I added sage tea. Around a week later, it was finally over.

Sage tea can be found at stores such as Whole Foods, with the herbal teas in the natural remedies aisle. It's not as stinky as you would think. After the first couple of sips it's even sort of pleasant.

It will be very tempting to let the hot water in the shower get directly onto your breasts, but please don't—this will stimulate milk production.

While you will likely want lactation to stop, it is not uncommon to experience deep sadness as it is finishing. That milk was the last tangible proof that your baby was here, and it is hard to see your body let go of it. I had a nightmare the night before my milk stopped for good that was unambiguously connected to the stop of lactation. As with everything connected to this experience, let yourself feel what you feel. Nothing about this means you are doing it 'wrong'.

[tash]   You will likely leak when your milk comes in. It's ok to leak right into the cabbage in your bra, and change it frequently. You can also use pads. If you are not up to buying breast pads at the store, you might consider just putting some maxi pads in your bra (cut them in half to fit). Please make sure to change them out every few hours when they get damp or you may increase your risk of infection. It's fine to just leak, but again, keeping wet clothes —especially cotton—up against your nipples like this could lead to a yeast infection. If you end up needing to express a bit, It's good whenever you do that to let yourself air dry and take the opportunity to put on a dry bra or shirt.

A quick and cheap way to make hot/cold compresses:  take two washcloths, dampen them, and put them in separate zip lock bags.  Put one in freezer, and microwave the other as necessary. 

Although you want to try and avoid warm water (hot showers), there are times when  little warmth can be a big relief. You may feel lumps forming in your breasts; these are clogged milk ducts and are incredibly uncomfortable and can become infected. Place a warm washcloth over the area for a couple minutes, and then massage the lump gently for another few. When finished, apply the cold compress.

[janis]   My midwife also said to add peppermint oil to the water, then make compresses and put on the breasts. That made me really cold and did not help. What worked for me- vitamin B6, 200mg for at least 5 days. it did not work immediately (and I don't think anything does)... took about 3-4 days to stop feeling like my breasts were going to explode, and after 5-6 days I was ok.

[A note from Julia: according to my search of the medical literature, you have to take high doses of B6, and if possible find the product that is mostly the pyridoxine form of this vitamin-- it is this form that in high doses helps to suppress milk prouction. Normal amounts of B vitamins in your multi do not work because they represent the normal amount needed for healthy development and therefore, do not influence the volume of lactation.]

I have also had luck with homeopathic meds for many things and I found out that BYRONIA ALBA, 9C, three pellets three times a day helps with engorgement. And PULSATILLA 9C, three pellets three times a day for overabundant milk supply.

a note on the pharmaceutical solution 

Drug Parlodel (bromocriptine) has in the past been widely used to stop lactation both by choice and following a stillbirth or neonatal death.  Most doctors and hospitals have now stopped prescribing the drug for lactation suppression because of a number of studies showing high rate of side effects. In one study for example, adverse events related to bromocriptine given to inhibit postpartum lactation (in women who experienced stillbirth) were reported by 22% (60/314) of the subjects.

In addition, early return of ovulation has been reported with this drug. There are medical and emotional concerns relating to short interpregnancy intervals in general, and following stillbirth or neonatal death in particular. Thus, if you do use this drug to stop lactation, please discuss with your partner your intentions regarding subsequent pregnancy. If you would rather not become pregnant immediately, consider using one or more methods for preventing pregnancy.

when pumping or breastfeeding has commenced—after a later neonatal death

[tash]   Ending lactation after having pumped or even breast fed has its own set of issues. Your body is now programmed (even if you only did this briefly—in my case, six days) to produce milk to feed a child every 2-3 hours. You can go cold turkey, but it's painful. A more comfortable way is to wean your body off, let it know you need less, less often, and gradually it will reach that conclusion as well. Start immediately by reducing the time you pump (if you've been pumping 15 minutes per breast, go down to 10 for starts), and increasing the time in between pumps (if you've been going 2 hours, try stretching it to 3).

Depending how much you produce, you may need a day per change, or you may be able to stretch time in between from your morning sessions to your afternoons. Sometimes you may find if you simply let down (the ejection reflex that occurs after a minute or so of starting the pumping action) you'll feel some relief and can now go another few hours. Often when pumping consultants tell you to envision your baby or look at his/her picture to increase flow. Obviously it will be impossible at this point in time NOT to think of your child, but distracting yourself to the best of your ability will also signal to your body that you're not interested. I read a really graphic murder mystery during weaning myself off. A mindless tv program would probably work equally as well.

If you don't have a pump, you may want to occasionally bring the same relief by manual expression. There are some good graphics and instructions here (with no pictures of babies) if you are interested in this.

donating your milk

If you find yourself with milk that your baby didn't get a chance to eat, either stored in NICU or in your home freezer, you may be interested in donating it. Unfortunately, it is not always as easy or as straightforward as it should be. While some hospitals run their own donation and pasturazition programs that use the milk exclusivery for other NICU babies, others work with milk banks or do not offer this service at all. Here is a fairly comprehensive, if longish, summary of the different options available to you. While we present a mix of a short summary and our own commentary below, please read the full writeup linked above carefully if you decide that milk donation is something you want to pursue.

Three options are available for donating your milk: informal mother-to-mother, donation to an HMBANA milk bank, or donations to organizations that pose as something very much like a milk bank (and sometimes call themselves that as well), but in reality sell your donated milk to a company called Prolacta Bioscience, allowing the company to make considerable profit. While donating to an HMBANA milk bank comes with hoops to jump and certain restrictions apply (such that some women are excluded from donating—check their policies), you can be sure that once you donate your milk, it will go to benefit NICU babies. Mother-to-mother donations are much easier, and are greatly facilitated in the age of the internet—just go here to start. I (Julia), for example, was very touched when a close friend donated some of her milk in my son's name to a family in a nearby city.

Donating to milk depots (organizatons that sell all or part of the donated milk to Prolacta Bioscience) is something you should consider very carefully. Contracts signed with such organizations are often rather restrictive of your rights to your milk or the information learned from it. In addition, whether or not you are comfortable with someone making a profit on your donated milk is something you will have to decide for yourself. One prominent organization acting to a large degree as a milk depot is The International Milk Project. Their front page avertises the charity work of sending breast milk to Africa. However, if you dig around, you will find that 75% of the donated milk is sold to Prolacta Bioscience (although the chart does not disclose that the milk is sold to Prolacta, or that Prolacta makes a nice profit on it), and only 25% makes its way to Africa.

This is also the organization running the Madison Cassady program, a program that allows mothers who experienced neonatal death to donate their milk. Unfortunately, their web page is somewhat deceiving, stating "The gift of giving this donation of life through our Madison Cassady Program can be emotionally healing and fulfilling to both the grieving mother and life saving to the receiving baby." However, unless the mother goes through the entire qualification process and enters the regular pool of donors, no milk donated by her through this program actually reaches any babies. Instead, all milk donated through the relaxed qualification requirements ends up with Prolacta Bioscience and is used for research.

Only you can decide whether you are comfortable with milk depots in general and The International Milk Project in particular, but we urge caution. If you are not interested in undergoing extensive milk bank qualification procedures, we encourage you to consider the person-to-person donation.

Finally, everything works differently for everyone, and you may need to go through a few steps or suggestions before something works for you.  If you find something that worked for you that's not included here, please let us know so we can add it to the list of suggestions.

Comments

[ellie]

I had the opposite issue - my baby died and I wanted to pump milk for the milk bank for as long as I could - it just felt better for some good to come from the situation - but my boobs gave up the ghost about 6 weeks after.

[tash]

Ellie that's amazing that you even wanted to and did for so long. I wanted to shut everything down and forget any of it ever happened. As fast as possible. I was able to donate my week's worth, and there was no way I was continuing to pull out that pump any more. Good for you.

[wendy-o w.]

i pumped for a month after olive died just to prove that my body could function as it should. i could not give my milk to a bank because of my blood transfusions but just had to do something to get past the feeling of total failure. the lactation specialist at the hospital said "whatever helps us get through it" which made me feel like less of a freak. eventually my supply dwindled and i stopped. but some nights i would sit there with the pumps on my breasts and imagine it was draining the sadness from me in little milky tears. how dramatic! but it felt right at the time.

[glow in the woods]

Oh wendy, my heart. I could see you there, that link to olive, that link to what's ordinary and normal, and it just filled up my heart tonight for you.

[Patti]

I remember those early days, and feeling like it was just another reminder of what I'd lost. It felt like being kicked while I was already down...that my body would continue to go on with the "living process" even though my world had stopped. It was rough and lasted about a week for me after Nathaniel was stillborn. I remember hugging a HUGE bag of frozen peas for as long as I could handle it....and crying...so much crying.

This is an amazing site. It's so necessary for Mother's experiencing loss to know that they are not alone...to know that someone else uderstands what they are thinking and feeling and going through. Thank you for pulling this together.

[Sarah]

I had heard of donating breast milk for sick babies, and so I asked at the hospital if someone could help me make arrangements. I was at a smallish suburban hospital, and no one there knew anything about it. I was so determined that there had to be a way to make it happen that I asked them to bring me a breast pump anyway, so I could start my body on a regular pumping schedule. Looking back I must have seemed crazy.
With some help from my mother and husband, I tracked down Mother's Milk Bank of North Texas. There is quite a bit of screening, as you mentioned, but it was comparable to being a blood donor and nothing unreasonable. They are non-profit, and donations go to actual babies and not to labs, they require a doctor's prescription.
I pumped every 6 hours around the clock for the last 6 weeks, and I just weaned this past week in preparation for going back to work. As I read that, it seems sort of obsessive. But I am so grateful I did it. I had been very committed to breastfeeding Oliver and am a huge believer in the value of it, it broke my heart to waste the milk my body was working so hard to make for my lost son. I also work in a large county hospital with a huge NICU, and so many of the babies can't tolerate formula but their moms are unable to pump enough milk for them due to premature delivery or other problems. My boss's daughter was born at 24 weeks, and she tells heartbreaking stories of her NICU physicians and nurses explaining again and again how much her weak, sick baby needed breast milk, and that she would pump and pump until her nipples bled only to get one ounce, or maybe two on a really good day. What an incredible gift I had to offer, then, that I could pump 8 ounces in a sitting without any trouble or complications. And what better way to honor my son. And I hope, had we suffered a different tragedy and had a need like that that I could not fill, that another mother would have reached out anonymously to help me and my child.
It's obviously not for everyone, and as the milk bank volunteers told me "if it brings you more pain than peace, don't do it." But feeling that I might ease some other family's suffering or help strengthen a frail baby was probably my greatest comfort immediately following Oliver's death. It was one tiny, good thing that could be pulled from something so horrible, and it helped me forgive my body for what felt like the ultimate betrayal.
I'm sorry if this is more than anyone wanted to know about milk banking or if I've offended anyone for whom it was not the right choice. I am not posting the link to the organization I donated to, their website is covered in smiling, healthy babies. If, however, there is anyone out there interested in this I am happy to help in any way I can on a more private basis.

[Rebecca]

I found sudafed helped.

[Maria Belen]

My daughter, Julia, was stillborn in January, at about 36 weeks. I don't know why or where I got the idea, but when the midwives at the hospital began regaling me with tips on how to suppress lactation, I immediately responded that I was going to donate my milk. I ended up pumping and donating for about 13 weeks; it was an extremely healing, emotional, difficult time but I do not regret one moment of it. I honestly believe it greatly facilitated my healing process.

The reason I am sharing this is to suggest another resource for mums that may want to donate: the Milkshare community on Yahoo. After researching milk banks and finding it all very impersonal and business-like, I was very happy to find a place to speak to other mothers about private donation. I received dozens of gentle, appreciative request's for Julia's milk. I ended up donating to a family whose baby girl was born just a few days after I started pumping. Her mother is HIV+ and couldn't breastfeed. It felt so right and I felt equally blessed to have met them and been part of that little one's nurturing. The lovely part is that while some women package and ship their milk, they do encourage local donation, so that you may get to know the recipient family.

Through all of it, reading all offers from donors, I was very surprised to see there weren't more loss mums doing this. Though I understand the painful, sad aspect of giving your dead baby's milk to someone else, I honestly felt, for me, there wasn't any other way. It was obviously a harrowing time, but the two things doing this offered me were priceless: a focus through those sleepless, blurred-together, zombie-like days and nights, and even more importantly: I learned quickly that trying to find a reason or meaning in our daughter's death was impossible, frustrating, and very painful, but the fact that something, even a little something, good could come of it, was the ultimate way I could honor her short, but very meaningful life.

Aside, thank you all of you beautiful women for sharing yourselves and your lives so openly, from the bottom of my scarred, but hopeful heart.

[kate]

Maria, thank you so, so much for sharing this. What you did was such an honouring of your little girl, and I can imagine how it must have helped you in some way to feed a child thanks to her presence with you.
Light and peace to you tonight, and thanks for being here.
xo

[Scarlett]

When my milk came in 3 days after my daughter Sonja was born and then died 35 mins later I cried. My midwifes had brought me some stillborn tea and I had been drinking it regularly but my milk came anyway. I wanted to donate my milk but I could not find anyway to do it, this was Jan of 2006. At first I felt sad and didn't want my milk to come but another part of me felt joy that my body was performing as it should and was amazed at this wonderful phenomena. My midwiifes had told me to try not to express any milk as to not encourage my supply but one evening my breasts became so engourged and painful that I got out my breast pump and tried it out. I expressed 4 oz in a matter of minutes, looking at it I felt a connection to my daughter. I decided that I wanted to pump my milk for awhile and to marvel in it. I felt like a superhero that was unable to help. I wanted to feed babies whose mother's could not. I started to wean the pump and pumped less and less as the days went on. I eventually stopped pumping and my supply went down at around 5 weeks. This was the right thing for me to do, it was healing. When I had my son Jan of this year (2008) I took out my pump at around 6 weeks to start to build up a freezer supply and was reminded of pumping off my milk that Sonja never got to drink. It made me feel that Julian was using her hand me downs and it felt normal.

[anon.]

Taking Sudafed (the old version you have to get from the pharmacist now) for a few days helped it go away pretty quickly.

[Zara]

god, what a thing to go through. i send you positive vibes and luck.

[Elizabeth]

My dear friend's 4 week old daughter passed away over the weekend. The family is overwhelmed with grief- are there any support groups you can recommend for my friend and her husband in Chicago? Also, I found all of your tips regarding stopping breast milk production very helpful. Are there any safe medications that can speed up this process? (I keep coming across 'Bromocriptine', but seems that it has dangerous side effects.)

[emma]

My little baby died just a few days ago, minutes after he was born. I've been looking up the internet for tips on how to stop lactation and i found a few similar to the ones posted here but i can't seem to bring myself to start the process. I feel like it's my connection to my baby. I feel so sad that he's gone and i didn't even have the chance to get to know him or to show him how beautiful the world is. whenever i go out, i always find myself wondering what would it be like if he was here. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll ever decide whether to stop lactation or not because i can't find the heart to let go of the memory of my little baby boy.

Thank you so much for the tips and to the women who shared their wonderful stories here. It's so sad that we all have to go through this but they're all in a better place now.

[mama jen]

I pumped for the two weeks my daughter was in the NICU, and ended up bringing about 100 oz of frozen milk home from the hospital, which we later donated to the local milk bank. I don't even remember how I stopped lactation, because it was during the time our daughter was home with us under hospice care and I was so focused on savoring every moment I had with her. But I do remember the bittersweet pride I took in all that frozen milk... at least my body was able to do something right and help someone else.

Another consideration with stopping lactation is the hormone drop, especially if one has been pumping or nursing. Lactation releases oxytocin, the "feel-good" hormone, and oxytocin withdrawal can lead to depression. As if it wasn't depressing enough to lose a baby, the hormones make it even worse. So, that's something to keep in mind when abruptly stopping lactation: be prepared for the sudden drop in oxytocin and its after-effects.

[Melissa]

I just recently found this site. I had written on my own blog about my experience stopping lactation after pumping and breastfeeding for 2 months.
http://theduncansonline.blogspot.com/2009/05/losing-child-while-breastfeeding.html

I took Lecithin, as it helps the body emulsify fats, and can reduce clots and the mastitis infections clots can cause. It helped reduce the painful clots. I also only pumped as minimally as necessary to work out clots and relive pressure, spreading out the time between pumps for as long as I could stand.

As mama jen mentioned, I think the affect of the hormone release during lactation is *really* important to understand, as well. It didn't really help me feel any less utterly miserable, but knowing that the supreme misery during pumping was hormones messing with me helped a little.

[Anne Marie]

I remember how sad and depressed I was by the fact that I was producing milk with no baby to feed. I couldn't wait for it to just stop. I bound my breasts with a tight sports bra but what worked for me in the end were the cold cabbage leaves on my breasts. I kept them on until they wilted and would immediately replace the wilted leaves with new ones. I remember how I just could not wait for the milk to stop. I desperately wanted to get pregnant again right away, to fill the void, and the milk production was keeping me from that goal. I needed it to stop to go forward mentally and physically. I so wish that I knew of this site then. There's so much information on the internet about how to enhance milk production, so little on how to stop it.

[Katie]

We had Juliet on October 10, 2009. She lived for almost two hours. I have been pumping my milk and donating through community donation for the past five weeks. Now that I am back at work I am planning to stop pumping. I wonder if I will regret losing this last tangible connection to my sweet little girl.

I was so glad to find this site tonight.

[Heather L]

After I lost my son Sawyer at 37 weeks my midwife suggested that I take Sage and Parsley. The Sage was a liquid form and I would add about 30 drops to juice (preferably V8 or Orange or Grape or another strong tasting juice to mask the flavor) 4 times a day. The Parsley was in capsule form and again, I took the recommended dosing 4 times a day. This along with the cabbage leaves in my bra and The Shower Hug http://www.mom4life.com/catalog.php?item=806 to help bind my breasts, helped a lot!

Sending hugs to all the mothers who have to face this!

[sadkitty]

My son was born still , 2.5 weeks ago, after dying inside me at 38 weeks. I tried the sage and peppermint herbals to get through the engorgement. but now I can't let those precious drops of milk go. a couple times a day I hand express a little just to make sure it's still there. Which sounds crazy, but it's one thing I have to show that there ever was a baby. I never responded well to the pump when my 5 y.o. was still nursing, but now I wonder if I should try again. We have a strong milksharing community in this town.

[Christi]

A great way to make icepaks that will bend is to add a couple of tablespoons of rubbing alcohol to water in a ziploc.

Thank you for providing this space it has helped me greive the loss of my nephew.

[MillsAngie28]

freelance writer

[Macarena]

Thank you for your post - Sadly I am not alone on how I feel, but it gives me comfort knowing that this is normal and I am not losing my mind. Thank you again for sharing all your stories.

[Alicia]

First, I am sorry if you find yourself needing this information.
I lost my daughter one week ago today. I delivered her stillborn at 27 weeks.
Here are all the things I did:
When I came home that night I immediately started my sage tea drinking regiment. I mean I drank almost only this tea everyday.
I used ice packs and cabbage leaves. I used ice packs as well as frozen wash clothes because they mold well to your body.
I also wore my sports bra exclusively for this entire week. I didn't have a pump to express a bit of milk out.
At night I was the most uncomfortable. I am already a large breasted woman and having my breasts engorged was difficult to even sleep. I also leaked a lot at night so I cut maxi pads and put them on my nipples for the evening.
When my breasts were so sore I couldn't stand it I used ibuprofen to help with swelling and pain. And would massage some of the knots just enough to feel a bit of relief.
Today, My breasts feel pretty good. I am still a little tender but I can feel my milk is almost dried up. I thought it would take longer. I can't tell you what of ALL the things i did worked the best. I just did them ALL and that helped i think.
Good luck sweet mamas. And again I am right there with you feeling your loss.
Still in sadness,

Alicia

[Monique]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, my heart is full reading this post and all the comments. I'm sharing this page and hope more women can feel empowered to discuss loss and breastfeeding. No matter how we grieve it helps to know there are other mothers out there who have survived the same thing. I'm especially appreciative that there is practical information here along with emotional support.

[Sarah]

I lost my son 8 days ago. He was stillborn at 22 weeks. My milk came in 2 days later and it's been so painful. Thank you for all of your stories, ideas, tips. It's so helpful to know I'm not the only one.

[Katy]

I lost my daughter, Daisy Grace, 5 days ago. She was born at 24 weeks, so tiny and perfect, but lived only a minute.
Thank you so much for this site, it has been so helpful. My breasts are so swollen and sore since my milk came in yesterday. It's another constant physical reminder that my baby is not with me.

[Trish]

Im so sorry for you all, and I am surprised at how many people have to go through this. My son Sam passed away a week ago, and I had to deliver him the next day. I was 28 weeks pregnant. I was really hoping the milk wouldn't come. I was afraid that it would be too painful for my heart but I am relieved it has. At least now I know my body knows what to do, and I will have a chance to feed a baby, someday. I found the ice packs to bring great relief, and I hope this part is over soon. I can't believe I had to choose an urn for my son before I could set up his crib. I am sorry for all of your losses. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. Best of luck to you all.

[treeb]

thank you for posting this, in a couple of days i'm going to have to wean my 3 month baby suddenly so i can start taking dangerous ms medication. all my training and textbooks as an herbalist only talk about increasing milk so in addition to the stress about starting medication, pumping and freezing milk like a mad woman, and mourning the coming changes for me and my baby i haven't known where to turn.

[B]

I just found this blog entry:
http://breastfeeding.blog.motherwear.com/2012/07/review-lactation-support-for-the-bereaved-mother.html
and thought it might help someone out there. Is there a chance of adding it to the main post? It looks like some mamas would find the information contained helpful....

[Jessica]

I'm surprised more people didn't talk about Sudafed, though I was also surprised that I had spoken with 5 different lactation consultants before one finally gave me this amazing remedy. I had been pumping/breastfeeding for 5.5 weeks, starting to try to stop around 4.4 weeks by gradually reducing the number of times a day and the length I'd pump. I did cold green cabbage leaves in a snug sports bra but was also never told to score them, which supposedly helps because the juices are what you need I guess. I also didn't realize how often you should change them (every hour or 2). I took sage extract 2x a day, a whole eyedroper full in a shot of water and chased it with juice to get the bitter taste out of my mouth. I was down to pumping 2x a day and stil had huge, swollen breasts and still was getting lots of clogged ducts by trying to stop. I went on Sudafed around the clock and within days I dried up! The pain was virtually gone and I only hand expressed a little to get rid of clogged ducts. So, go for the Sudafed right away and it should really make a difference.

[Rosie]

I found you! I lost my little boy 3 weeks ago - he was 6 months old. I had been pumping for him all this time - been a hard journey but what I wanted to do. My older son is still nursing. But I have been pumping every day- I have this desperate need to keep making as much milk as Bryn would have needed each day.

I felt like I was mad, my freezer is filling up fast and I have someone to donate to but just can't let go yet - have this single mindedness to fill the freezer. Wendy said to prove her body can do something right and that's how I feel.

This need to hang on to Bryn just that little bit longer. I sent in my pump to be fixed last week and borrowed a friends.

I do feel like I have a lid on thsi volcano and if I stop pumping it's going to errupt.
I am going to come back here and read some more. I feel there shouldn't just be an option for 'stopping lactation' but a bit about 'the noramcly of keeping lactation going' as well.

Bryn was born with a chromosone issue called Trisomy 18 so we knew everyday was precious.

[melanie]

My little girl died last month aged 21 days. The hospital staff suggested getting my GP or HV to see me regarding my milk I think, or I assumed, to offer me a pill to stop it. However as i am still feeding my toddler i declined. The problem I have now is am eager to try again for another baby and so am worried my continued nursing of my little boy is delaying my monthly cycle as presumably my body still thinks i have a newborn. Obviously I'm not feeding quite as often as i would be if my daughter was still here but he still feeds quite a lot. I think my milk dried up in pregnancy but he still didnt wean then so I am worried it is going to be tough. Plus if I'm not lucky enough to have any more children i dont want to create more bad memories byforcing him to stop before he is ready.

[Tes]

It is so comforting yet so heart breakimg to know that there are other women experiencimg this. My son Kevin Jr. was born on October 5, 2013 at 11:43 and died the next morning. He was born at 30 weeks. My milk came in a few days later and it completely destroyed me. Every night I self express while I am in the shower. I can't even let my partner look at me as I do so because I feel so ashamed and upset that my body produces milk for a baby I will never get to feed. I do not have acess to a near by milk bank that i could donate to and I do not want to keep the milk as some sort of momento of my son. Imstead, I self express and watch the milk gently drip down into the tub and down the drain, along with my tears, my hopes, and my dreams. During the day I bind my breasts and change pads every few hours. It has been exactly a week since I started lactating and my breasts no longer feel as engouged as they had. it is almost as relieving as is saddening. I am scared to lose the connection to my son as my milk dries up.

[Mary]

My heart is with you all. Thank you for this important post. I had a unique situation with lactation when our daughter Emerson died at birth - I was already nursing a 2 year old. I had the daunting, painful task of stopping the "newborn" milk production, so I could continue my nursing relationship with her older brother, who was thrilled at the surplus of milk. At that moment it could have been very easy to want to nurse him like a newborn again.

La Leche League was a wonderful support and connected me with a lactation consultant who was very gentle with me and gave me very specific instructions (much of which is already noted above) of how to handle. It took awhile, but we were successful.

Sending support and love to you all.

[Pea]

Dear Friends, phew , one of the saddest, most painful memories I have is of my breasts producing milk after the birth and loss of our first daughter. I laid in bed with a fever and two heartless rocks where my breasts had been. The midwife was harried and seemed annoyed by my phone call about how to stop the milk. In my heart I felt she had time only for the joyful moms of living babes. I called a wonderful IBCLC who said it sounded like the milk drops were drops of tears and to not push too hard to stop them. This gave me permission to grieve and allow the milk to stop whenever it needed to. The following year when I took my new baby boy to breast it was as though he was helping me heal that part of my body that had pained me so. More recently, when I adopted my youngest baby girl ,and immediately began nursing her in the hospital following her birthmother signing the paperwork I felt waves of joy at nursing her and waves of sadness for my daughter's first mother. Once again an IBCLC helped me sort out my emotions and reminded me that my mixed feelings were normal but that I should allow myself the joy of breast feeding my daughter. What a tough time we moms who face loss and lactation have, my heart goes out to us! For moms who are facing it just now, please be easy on yourself and tend your grief as you would your baby. The world needs you, but to be ready for the world you have to heal first.

[Jeanette]

For those reading in the UK, can I suggest that if they want to donate they contact http://www.ukamb.org/
I donated milk after the death of my daughter in 2009 and had very good support from this organisation.

[M.]

Just want to say thank you for all the tips and for this site (which I found during a search on how to stop lactating after losing a child). Lost our son Jasen five days ago and am trying to figure out how to deal with the physical issues and everything else as well.

[LaShauna Green]

Hi, Sorry we all had to meet this way, But on July 12, 2012 I delivered a baby girl. 30 weeks gestation , stillborn due to Downes Syndrome "Soft Markers" and I'm STILL lactating 🐮🐮🐮🐮🐮

[Davis]

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[Bekah]

I just wanted to say- thank you so much for having this article posted. When my son was delivered and died, I was sitting in the hospital room thinking this was the worst part of my life-and the pain couldn't be any worse. Then, my milk came in. I was at a great hospital- but as far as advice for helping the milk stop- I was told there was no medicine, that binding was not safe, and that I was just going to have to deal with it. Thankfully, I found this article and my husband was able to get me the sage tea which helped a lot. He also had the bright idea of adding hibiscus tea to improve the flavor. I also wore tighter sports bras, and used the compresses. I also did a bit more research and learned that taking a cold medicine like pseudophed also helps the milk dry up a bit faster. Thank you for being here to help the broken hearted parents. You offered what even the hospital couldn't as far as advice for taking care of milk. When I was emotionally ready for more, this site became like a true sanctuary- and the glow in the woods home you described. Thank you.

[Adebisi O]

I lost my baby 13 days ago. He was 2 weeks old. he was such a healthy and active boy.He was born at full term so no one ever expected such a thing to happen. I still can't believe my little boy is gone. I feel so sad when I see my breast producing milk. he sucked the left breast more when he was alive. That has made the milk production of the left breast to be more. I feel the pains of other mothers. he was my first child. I had so much hopes of our lives together. I didn't even get to know him so much.

[Anna]

My daughter, ViLynn Marie, passed away when she was one week old. I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant when she was born. It has been two weeks since she passed away and I am starting the "drying" process now. I have all the milk from the past three weeks that I have been pumping every few hours. But now, I go back and forth from wanting it to be over with to feeling like as it is drying up that I'm sating goodbye to her all over again. I'm sure others feel the same. I haven't pumped in 30 hours and am feeling so engorged and in so much pain. I hope this process doesn't last for weeks as I have read it sometimes can.