Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.
Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.
I don’t know where to start or how to write this without breaking down but I just can’t keep this to myself anymore because it’s been so difficult to cope with. I found out I was pregnant and I was shocked this could happen because I was on birth control so I was so confused as to how this could happen, with the birth control my periods stopped so of course me not having a period was something normal to me, it never crossed my mind that I could get pregnant or be pregnant because the birth control was supposed to be the best one out(so I was told when getting it) so when I went to the Doctor l found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. I was told I was about 18 to 20 weeks pregnant and we set an appointment with a obgyn for June 10th my 1st appointment but 2 weeks after finding out I was pregnant I lose my pregnancy…. I’ve never experienced such pain and sadness in my life, it all came so suddenly. I wake up on a Saturday at 6 AM with the worst cramps I’ve ever experienced and it’s SO unbearable that I wake up my husband and tell him something’s not right, I get up and go to the restroom and notice a clear liquid running down my leg and suddenly the pain feels more and more intense at this point I’m on my hands and knees in the restroom crying from the pain and I feel more and more coming out of me and I notice it’s blood, it wouldn’t stop and I let out a scream and tears because I knew at this moment my little bean was NOT OK. I lost my little angel and I didn’t even get to enjoy the pregnancy or the thought of being pregnant because I never had symptoms or any signs that I could possibly be pregnant and I ask myself why?? why did this happen to me?? If I knew earlier I was pregnant I would’ve done things differently and maybe this wouldn’t have happened?? Why did I lose my little angel?? I have so many feelings and questions it’s so hard to heal and cope when you have no clear answers. This would’ve been my 2nd child and my son would’ve been such a great big brother and he would’ve been just as excited as me to have this baby in our lives. This recently happened in May 2024 and I don’t think it’ll ever be easy for me to accept this loss. How can you heal from this?? I have days I break down uncontrollably and feel like I can’t breathe. I feel anger, guilt, sadness, pain and confusion all at once. It’s been SO difficult to try to understand and make sense of things, I’m still trying to process the situation, my mind is stuck in shock and confusion.
I’ve never experienced such pain and sadness in my life, it all came so suddenly.
I wake up on a Saturday at 6 AM with the worst cramps I’ve ever experienced and it’s SO unbearable that I wake up my husband and tell him something’s not right, I get up and go to the restroom and notice a clear liquid running down my leg and suddenly the pain feels more and more intense at this point I’m on my hands and knees in the restroom crying from the pain and I feel more and more coming out of me and I notice it’s blood, it wouldn’t stop and I let out a scream and tears because I knew at this moment my little bean was NOT OK. I lost my little angel and I didn’t even get to enjoy the pregnancy or the thought of being pregnant because I never had symptoms or any signs that I could possibly be pregnant and I ask myself why?? why did this happen to me?? If I knew earlier I was pregnant I would’ve done things differently and maybe this wouldn’t have happened?? Why did I lose my little angel?? I have so many feelings and questions it’s so hard to heal and cope when you have no clear answers. This would’ve been my 2nd child and my son would’ve been such a great big brother and he would’ve been just as excited as me to have this baby in our lives. This recently happened in May 2024 and I don’t think it’ll ever be easy for me to accept this loss. How can you heal from this?? I have days I break down uncontrollably and feel like I can’t breathe. I feel anger, guilt, sadness, pain and confusion all at once. It’s been SO difficult to try to understand and make sense of things, I’m still trying to process the situation, my mind is stuck in shock and confusion.