I have a 3 week old baby. I am having Anxiety about SIDS. I lost my son Junior 3 years ago April 30th. I lost him at 3 months old. I am so scared of my son dying now that I am sleep deprived. I can't sleep unless its morning and his dad has him while I get a few hours. He looks identical to my son that passed making all this much harder. I've even mistakenly called him Jay or Jr even though Killian sounds nothing like his name. I cry every night while I hold him begging anyone who is listening to not take him away too. I am starting therapy. I was in therapy right after I was diagnosed with PTSD and Anxiety and Trauma induced depression. A little background I was taking care of three kids 5,3,2,and newborn by myself all night all day cooking cleaning laundry. No help. Maybe 2 hours of sleep a night. I am very very anti cosleeping. Well I got to the point of so much exhaustion that I passed out not fell asleep my body shut down with him in my bed next to me. Needless to say I woke up he had rolled over and suffocated in my pillow. I will never forgive myself or the people who said they would help and never did. But now I'm afraid of SIDS times a trillion. I don't know how to feel. I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant with my little bubby killian but now I'm just petrified. Idk if this feeling will go away. I am so Depressed from the lack of sleep and anxiety that I've barely gotten to enjoy my little one.

Dear Kristina, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and your struggles with Killian. Have you been screened for PPD/A (post partum depression/anxiety). What you went through is so terribly difficult. Can you get some help so you can sleep a little in an uninterrupted streak? But really, please get screened and see if you can get some help somewhere. Sending you courage mama. You have to take care of you so you can take care of your kids.

Hi Kristina
I’m sorry you’re going through such hell. You didn’t deserve this. I’m sorry you lost your son. Xx I agree that professional help might give you some temporary relief.
I am a rainbow mum. My daughter died at birth.
I still think about things I should have done differently.
I look at my son asleep- he looks like his sister and i constantly try to check if he is alive. So a different situation but I relate. For a long time I couldn’t turn out the light.
In my case I spent a lot on a highly sensitive baby monitor that monitors breathing and movement and we both have it on our phone.
It is top of the range and worth every penny. Even just to go into a different room without freaking out.

Kristina,

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are now dealing with this PTSD/PPA. My first child was stillborn 5 days after his due date. When my second arrived, I could not sleep either because I was so terrified of SIDS - and my experience was nowhere near yours. Once you know the worst can happen to you, I feel like statistics cease to mean anything. One thing I did after the birth of my third child was Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy to help me process the trauma and reduce my response to it. I wish I had done it before the birth of my second child - I think it would have significantly helped me with those first few months, where I was frankly terrified all the time. It's expensive and it's hard and it's draining, but I think it's a wonderful gift you can give yourself and your children if you can manage it.

But you certainly are not alone. I think that I will always be more watchful with my children. I will always wonder if I'd done things just a little differently if my first would be here with me. Logically, I know it was not my fault and I did the best I can, and I spend a lot of time forgiving myself for not noticing if kicks had slowed or not pushing it harder with my doctor. I hope you can do the same for yourself. You were in an untenable situation.