You hear so much about pregnancy after loss, and while that was difficult, postpartum has been so much harder for me personally. Every happy moment with my son is followed up with this crushing wave of heartbreak and guilt, and the same thought of "this should be you." I feel guilty for being happy, and then guilty that I can't fully enjoy my son sometimes. It's so hard to be in the moment when part of me is forever with my daughter. I just feel so fractured. Feeling as if none of my children have ALL of me, and that is all I want to give them. I miss my baby so much 💔

Hi Kae, it’s been a while for me, my son just turned 6…but I do remember the first few months after his birth being a roller coaster emotionally. I was so happy he was here after his big sister’s stillbirth. And I was so sad that she wasn’t here. When he smiled the first time, it was like a gut punch. He was so perfect. But the I bawled for a good 20 min that I never saw her smile. When I was up in the middle of the night nursing, I’d find myself weeping that I’d never nursed her…it has leveled with the years. Now it’s more a wistful feeling and I’m no longer weeping. My son started kindergarten and lost his front teeth…I’ll never put my daughter on the bus to school or know what her gap toothed smile looks like. It’s sad and always will be.

AB, I could have written that myself. The situations you described..the first smile and the nursing, those have been gut wrenching as well for me. I grieve not being able to nurse her as well as her not being able to experience the warm comfort, nourishment and love from that as well. There's so many dimensions to grief. My daughter was stillborn too, so not being able to know what her smile looked like, what color her eyes were, or what her cry sounded like, is utterly heartbreaking. I was in a survival type mode during my son's pregnancy I think, so I didn't do nearly as much grieving as I'm sure I needed to. He looks like he could be her twin too. It's all so bittersweet. Thank you for replying, it helps so much just to hear I'm not alone in feeling these things. Sending love and thinking of you and your sweet girl ♡