I am currently 12 weeks pregnant after the death of our daughter this past November. I was 39 weeks and suffered a spontaneous placenta abruption, she lived for 21 hours.

I found out yesterday that this baby is healthy and a boy. I am excited, but also scared - I can't picture a boy. I have a living daughter, we prepared for a second living daughter last year. There is certainly some grief at that world being truly gone for now, but there is mostly intense worry. Suddenly I can't picture a living baby, so I can only picture another loss. There is higher risk for PA after you've had one. I keep imagining they he is already dead, or that he will die soon, or that I will have another PA, or that I will hemorrhage again and we will both die. I feel like I went from cautiously optimistic to certain death.

I also feel so so sorry for this baby. Sorry that my first response hasn't been pure joy, but instead intense anxiety. Sorry that I wasn't sure how I felt about a boy after having expected a girl last time. Sorry that he has to be the baby that comes next, sorry it's complicated. I don't want to tell family, and I want to forbid anyone from buying anything until after he is alive and home with is. I feel like everyone is going to be too excited and their expectations will be too much for me and for him - he isn't a healing baby, he is himself. He doesn't have some job to do - to make us all happy again, his job is to just be a baby.

Oh my goodness R’s mom, I could have written this 5.5 years ago when I was pregnant with my son, after losing my daughter 18 months prior, at 28 weeks, to a complete, concealed placental abruption. I kept my pregnancy secret to everyone until 20 weeks, then told only a couple people, and also asked for no celebration, prep etc until I was ready. It’s just so much….I was so anxious. I hope you are getting compassionate care from your medical team. I found comfort in a pregnancy after loss support group. Most of these meet over zoom these days, so you could find one if you haven’t already. Back then, the pregnancy after loss thread here was monthly and it was also a comforting place, and I also continued to see the therapist I found after our daughter died.

You’re absolutely right that it’s too much to burden a baby with the task of healing etc…it’s not his job, and honestly, this is not the kind of thing you ever completely heal from, it just gets less heavy and painful to carry. I just wanted to say I hear you and I see you mama. All your feelings are valid and justified. Sending you peace. Just one breath, one minute, one hour at a time.

Hi R's mom and AB,

Sorry about your lil girls. I'm here with you too in having lost a girl and now expecting a boy. I'm quite gender progressive myself so I'm not obsessing about it but there is a part of me that would have felt differently about a girl. Giving her a chance to live a life without the societal pressures I had to go through, would have been more personal to me. Instead, I will do the same for my boy if he makes it and that's ok too, but I hear you.

R's mom, I know what you mean about not being able to picture a living baby. I was also very rigid early on in my pregnancy about not telling anyone or accepting gifts (I have all the baby stuff from last time, I never even took down the baby room). I am angry when I hear about random cousins and friends of my parents having opinions or well-wishes about my pregnancy. I have to remind people who are being too optimistic that I need to be prepared for anything. I'm realizing though that in preparing for "anything" I'm actually mostly planning for his death. It takes a lot of imagination to prepare for him being ok, I have no living children and am so afraid.

How is your pregnancy going?