I keep having this recurring fear that’s stopping me from wanting to TTC. I recently lost my baby, Harry, when he was 5 days old. He was born via emergency c section after I went to hospital for decreased movements. We spent the most loved up and most heartbreaking 5 days with him in the NICU and then also spent 8 days with him after he passed away. It was the absolute best and the absolute worst 13days of our lives… I can finally understand love at first sight, and I now know just how unbelievably huge a mother’s love is. I was blown away by the feelings I had when I was with Harry - so much love, so much adoration, such a fierce need to try and protect my baby and then such a soul crushing heartbreak when I couldn’t help him and he passed away in my arms… I’m still in huge amounts of grief and I am seeing a psychologist and a social worker to help with that but at the same time my husband and I are craving a live baby so so badly. Our house is empty…

The thing that stops me though is that I keep having this recurring dream and thought of picturing the operating theatre and I can see it all in my head and they pass me this baby… and it’s not Harry. And I am so terrified that I won’t love him or her?

Does anyone else ever get this feeling? I feel like a bad person with how often it blocks me from being able to TTC… I just keep replaying the entire surgery scene in my head like a dream and it always ends with them passing me this bundled up little baby and I just “don’t want it” - I feel like it’s insane because I was having sooo many similar dreams before conceiving Harry and whilst I was pregnant imagining this beautiful water birth where they pass me my baby and I imagined the tears of joy and all the love… now I just can’t stop imaging distaste and numbness…

Is this just hormones trying to trick me? Or maybe my subconscious now just wallowing in “birth = bad” rather than the old happy fantasies?

Thanks for anyone who has the time to read and help me, I appreciate it <3

Dear ELT

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Harry. I lost my son M 2 and half years ago. When I got pregnant I felt guilty, I felt like i was trying to replace him. My rainbow daughter is 6 months old and I love her to bits, she has given me a new lease on life. She has brought me so much joy - her name is Hope Joy and she is an embodiment of these words. It doesnt mean that I dont miss my son. We now have to learn to live a life where grief is intermingled with joy.

Dear ELT, I am so sorry for the loss of your Harry. I think this fear of raw grief talking and that it’s messing with you. You won’t love another child the same way you love Harry. The love we feel for different people isn’t exactly the same. The love you feel for a friend is different than that you feel for a partner. The love I feel for my living son (he’s 5) isn’t the same as what I feel for my daughter (who was stillborn 7 years ago). It’s not more or less, it’s just different. Sending you peace mama, and a gentle hug.