ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Heart problems
M, my heart absolutely aches for you. What a horribly unfair situation to be in after already having gone through the loss of your first. You absolutely have the right to feel pissed off. I can completely understand your want to hide and I can only imagine how infuriating those naive comments must be. I remember in the pregnancy after my loss being told “keep your eye on the prize”, like somehow just remaining positive would prevent anything bad from happening again. Because that’s how is works right?
My first baby was diagnosed with a complex heart and kidney problem at the anatomy scan. We opted to end the pregnancy at that time because the prognosis was incredibly grim. This all after 5 years of infertility, failed fertility treatments, and ultimately needing IVF to conceive. I couldn’t believe the world was dealing me infertility and baby loss. I am sorry you have been dealt a heavy hand on your journey to start a family.
I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is uneventful. I hope the people in your life are as sensitive as they are able. I hope your baby boy comes out strong and makes it through his long surgical journey.
All the best to you and your baby
A
My first baby was diagnosed with a complex heart and kidney problem at the anatomy scan. We opted to end the pregnancy at that time because the prognosis was incredibly grim. This all after 5 years of infertility, failed fertility treatments, and ultimately needing IVF to conceive. I couldn’t believe the world was dealing me infertility and baby loss. I am sorry you have been dealt a heavy hand on your journey to start a family.
I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is uneventful. I hope the people in your life are as sensitive as they are able. I hope your baby boy comes out strong and makes it through his long surgical journey.
All the best to you and your baby
A
August 5, 2021 |
A
A
I hope you are doing ok M- it isn’t fair at all. Massive hug.
I’ll be hoping that you find moments of calm during the pregnancy and that people are sensitive. If I’ve any advice (feel free to ignore if not relevant) but it is not to feel guilty about creating boundaries or avoiding certain people or situations you can’t be around while you manage at the moment. You deserve to protect yourself as you need the energy to keep going.
No guilt! Of course sometimes this is not possible I know.
Above all I am sending good wishes to you and your little one. Hoping for the best for you both xxxx
I’ll be hoping that you find moments of calm during the pregnancy and that people are sensitive. If I’ve any advice (feel free to ignore if not relevant) but it is not to feel guilty about creating boundaries or avoiding certain people or situations you can’t be around while you manage at the moment. You deserve to protect yourself as you need the energy to keep going.
No guilt! Of course sometimes this is not possible I know.
Above all I am sending good wishes to you and your little one. Hoping for the best for you both xxxx
August 25, 2021 |
Bridges
Bridges
Dear A and Bridges,
Thanks for your replies. I feel more understood here than in the real world.
A, I'm sorry for your baby loss. What an excruciating act of love, deciding not to allow your sick child to go through this painful journey. I admire your strength. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing by putting him through all these surgeries. What an added struggle to have these babies be so long-awaited, so much time between conceptions, just trying to create a life that comes so easily to so many people.
Bridges, I appreciate your advice. Indeed, this has been such an emotional time I feel completely drained, misunderstood and fuck the world. I've lost my baby and now have lost a close friend who just couldn't handle my grief. Your advice is absolutely relevant. The guilt is such an unnecessary addition to my pain. Your words mean a lot to me.
Hugs to all who are reading this.
Thanks for your replies. I feel more understood here than in the real world.
A, I'm sorry for your baby loss. What an excruciating act of love, deciding not to allow your sick child to go through this painful journey. I admire your strength. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing by putting him through all these surgeries. What an added struggle to have these babies be so long-awaited, so much time between conceptions, just trying to create a life that comes so easily to so many people.
Bridges, I appreciate your advice. Indeed, this has been such an emotional time I feel completely drained, misunderstood and fuck the world. I've lost my baby and now have lost a close friend who just couldn't handle my grief. Your advice is absolutely relevant. The guilt is such an unnecessary addition to my pain. Your words mean a lot to me.
Hugs to all who are reading this.
October 11, 2021 |
M
M
Being visibly pregnant is making it impossible for others to mind their own business. Here is what I wish I could share with everyone I encounter :
I'm week 22 of my rainbow pregnancy and found out yesterday my baby has a serious heart defect that will require 3 surgeries before age 4. I came into this pregnancy knowing anything could happen but I can't help but be pissed off that this is happening to us again. My first baby died at 40.6weeks and even with an autopsy we never found out the cause of her death, it was just 'one of those very rare things that happens'. Again now, this heart defect is 'so rare' and 'not my fault' but I'm like, really? How is this possible? Am I poison?
No judgement whatsoever to those who terminate pregnancies, but I want to give this baby its fighting chance because he's fine right now and this may be my last chance to have a biological child. I now understand those who want to continue pregnancies even though the prognosis is not good, because I am enjoying my time with this fetus, who has a name and bedroom ready for him.
At least this time, I am much better prepared for grief should death come call him. TBH, although his chances of survival are 80%, my expectations are closer to 50%. I have developed such a meaningful relationship with my deceased firstborn that I feel confident I can pay homage to him if another death is in my future. This outlook seems to make people really uncomfortable.
I want to hide away, be a hermit for the remainder of my pregnancy so I don't have to face a world of other women's optimistic naivety. "Everything is gonna be FINE" or "I just KNOW things will work out THIS time" are alienating statements to me. Have my loved ones and peers already forgotten what we went through last year?