Hi, just wondering if there is anyone out there who could share their experience of having another baby after a stillbirth? We lost our son Peter in December at 35 weeks to a cord accident. He leaves behind 3 older siblings. We plan to/hope to try again soon--I think. I long to have another baby in our home and yet somedays what I really really want is just to have Pete back, so I question if having another is really what I want. Its so complicated! I know another baby will not replace our son, but its hard to try to shift the anticipation and excitement that we had for Pete to another person, when it was him we were envisioning to join our family. Another baby doesn't take away any love I have for Pete, just like I have enough love for all of my children, and yet I fear becoming so consumed in a different baby that I would some how forget Pete in all of that joy. Which as I type it I realize sounds absurd, but oddly it worries me. And I would NEVER want someone to look at us and think "oh good they got to have their baby, they must be doing better now that they got what they wanted".

So, does anyone ever feel "ready" to be pregnant again after such loss? I hate when different ones keep reminding me that we need to "deal with" or "grieve this loss" before we try again. As if I wouldn't be allowed to grieve while pregnant again, or still grieve while holding a different baby. If we were to wait until we weren't sad about Pete anymore, it would never happen.

We want another baby, not as a happy ending but a different chapter, hopefully a more joyous one.

And I am absolutely terrified.

Pete's Mom--Rachel

Hi Rachel,

I'm Nicole. I'm in a similar situation. We lost our son, Noah, in October due to a complicated congenital heart defect. We've been trying since January and have had three chemical pregnancies. It's so much loss.

It's a lot to sort through, am I ready, will I ever be ready, will others think we're replacing our angel baby with the newest addition???

I'm learning to let that go. It is really hard. I've been doing the work to embrace my grief in losing Noah and accepting the blessing of a new baby should that be in our next chapter. I guess when it comes down to it, I think the desire and longing to have a baby outweighs the fear of what could happen. Even though the whole pregnancy process will be tainted by fear, I can choose to acknowledge it and to focus on hope!

I hope my rambling helps, even a little. To know you are NOT alone.

Nicole

Hi Rachel,

Sorry about Pete. What a cute name.

Ever ready? Yes, no. We tried almost 3 years to get pregnant the first time and she was stillborn full-term. Six weeks later we were trying again, I want a baby so bad. I managed to get pregnant 10 months later and sometimes it feels too soon, sometimes not. I don't think we'll ever have that pure pregnancy bliss no matter how long we wait.

If this baby survives, he'll know about his irreplaceable sister. Hopefully he can know her ghost and honour her with us.