ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Care after full-term loss?
Hi Zayn’s Mom. I’m so sorry to hear about your sweet little Zayn. I haven’t been here much lately but saw your posts and wanted you to be able to share some love from another baby-lost mama. Our little girl died at 6 weeks after birth injuries. It took 8 minutes to revive her after birth, so in another time/circumstance she probably would have been considered stillborn. I have since had two healthy babies, so have been through two post-loss pregnancies. I’m sure it’s different for everyone but, while there was a deep sense of loss and pain (it was nine months filled with emotional triggers), I was also able to enjoy some of the beauty of those pregnancies.
The first OB/GYN that I saw was awful and, despite my best efforts to get people to read my file, they blundered their way through the appointments carelessly and saying all the wrong things (after I had to tell them my whole story again because they clearly had no background). I was initially just going to stay with that GYN because it felt too hard to find another but my PCP convinced me that I deserved a GYN who would make me feel cared for and loved. I’m so glad I persisted because I found a doctor who did just that. Some of the things that I really valued are:
- reputation as a good clinician (you want to feel like you can trust their medical knowledge)
- she prioritized seeing me (in 2 pregnancies I only ever had to see one of her colleagues once).
- she always made sure to give me information as soon as possible (eg confirm baby’s heartbeat before doing anything else during the appointments)
- she made sure that I knew I could contact her whenever I needed (including to come in for extra scans or monitoring if I felt anxious)
- she had a game plan for my scheduled c-sections that meant that everyone in the operating room knew my background and wouldn’t be asking any dumb-ass questions about whether this was my first, etc.
If you have a partner or friend who can help by calling ahead and talking to the doctor (or their staff), that is such a helpful thing to do. We all get exhausted telling our stories over and again.
Your needs will likely be different from mine but I wanted to share some of the types of things that my doctor did for me to help you think about what’s important to you and to reassure you that you deserve to be given loving and sensitive care during this time. Even with all the best will in the world, I still had many ultrasound technicians, nurses, receptionists, random passers-by, etc say things that sent me into a spiral of sadness and anger. I think some of that is just unavoidable. It’s a tough road but there were also some beautiful, generous souls who made me feel so safe and seen.
I hope that you find people to give you the support you deserve. Hugs to you, mama.
The first OB/GYN that I saw was awful and, despite my best efforts to get people to read my file, they blundered their way through the appointments carelessly and saying all the wrong things (after I had to tell them my whole story again because they clearly had no background). I was initially just going to stay with that GYN because it felt too hard to find another but my PCP convinced me that I deserved a GYN who would make me feel cared for and loved. I’m so glad I persisted because I found a doctor who did just that. Some of the things that I really valued are:
- reputation as a good clinician (you want to feel like you can trust their medical knowledge)
- she prioritized seeing me (in 2 pregnancies I only ever had to see one of her colleagues once).
- she always made sure to give me information as soon as possible (eg confirm baby’s heartbeat before doing anything else during the appointments)
- she made sure that I knew I could contact her whenever I needed (including to come in for extra scans or monitoring if I felt anxious)
- she had a game plan for my scheduled c-sections that meant that everyone in the operating room knew my background and wouldn’t be asking any dumb-ass questions about whether this was my first, etc.
If you have a partner or friend who can help by calling ahead and talking to the doctor (or their staff), that is such a helpful thing to do. We all get exhausted telling our stories over and again.
Your needs will likely be different from mine but I wanted to share some of the types of things that my doctor did for me to help you think about what’s important to you and to reassure you that you deserve to be given loving and sensitive care during this time. Even with all the best will in the world, I still had many ultrasound technicians, nurses, receptionists, random passers-by, etc say things that sent me into a spiral of sadness and anger. I think some of that is just unavoidable. It’s a tough road but there were also some beautiful, generous souls who made me feel so safe and seen.
I hope that you find people to give you the support you deserve. Hugs to you, mama.
June 6, 2021 |
K West
K West
Dear Zayn's mom,
My care this time included taking baby asprin and a plan to induce early (37 weeks). Like you, my first baby's death was pretty random and mysterious so they didn't have a specifically different plan for the first half of my pregnancy.
My 20-week scan revealed a heart defect so now my pregnancy is being followed in a special high-risk pregnancy hospital but that has less to do with my previous loss. In fact, they are hoping to induce birth a tiny bit later (38-39 weeks) so this baby can be as strong as possible to withstand surgery.
Damn K West, sounds like you are getting an excellent follow-up! Good on you for insisting on great medical care. You've got enough to worry about without some clumsy-ass staff making you feel worse.
Good luck everyone!
My care this time included taking baby asprin and a plan to induce early (37 weeks). Like you, my first baby's death was pretty random and mysterious so they didn't have a specifically different plan for the first half of my pregnancy.
My 20-week scan revealed a heart defect so now my pregnancy is being followed in a special high-risk pregnancy hospital but that has less to do with my previous loss. In fact, they are hoping to induce birth a tiny bit later (38-39 weeks) so this baby can be as strong as possible to withstand surgery.
Damn K West, sounds like you are getting an excellent follow-up! Good on you for insisting on great medical care. You've got enough to worry about without some clumsy-ass staff making you feel worse.
Good luck everyone!
October 11, 2021 |
M
M
My son Zayn passed away due to a true knot in his umbilical cord. I'm obviously now terrified of anything to do with the umbilical cord, but as we know, babies die in 1000s, of ways. Ugh. It is so hard.