Posting here so that I can vent and maybe connect with some of you. My second daughter Landry was stillborn full term this past December due to a tight nuchal cord wrapped four times. My husband and I knew we wanted to try again soon as heartbreaking as it would be (and is). We fell pregnant when I was about 4 months postpartum. I am almost 9 weeks now and have been managing well for the most part. I just had my first ultrasound yesterday and a lot of emotions came to the surface leading up to it as expected. I was a ball of anxiety. I thought seeing a healthy baby on the screen would make me feel better but I just feel worse. It doesn't help that I had an awful experience with the doctor and sonographer. I specifically went to another hospital for this ultrasound because I was worried that being back at the place I was told my daughter didn't have a heartbeat would be too traumatic. I should have just been in and out for this scan with the results faxed to my midwife but instead the sonographer and doctor took it upon themselves to start interrogating me about my stillbirth and assuming what went wrong or what I could have done differently. They did not have access to my history so all of this questioning and assuming was without any knowledge of what happened to my daughter. This doctor actually had the audacity to tell me that a lot of babies are born with a nuchal cord so it probably wasn't what happened to my daughter (It was confirmed but of course he didn't bother to ask before saying this). I was so shocked at how they both were acting toward me, as if I didn't JUST lose my baby. It was like I was just some case they were studying instead of a real woman full of heartbreak and anxiety standing in front of them. Needless to say I left and just cried my eyes out when I got to my car. I'm feeling a little better today but I'm still just so upset. It took so much work for me to come to terms with what happened to my daughter and I feel like I'm back at square one now.
I want to be happy about this precious new life my daughter Landry has gifted us with, but I just feel so defeated. I honestly miss being blissfully ignorant during my pregnancies. Thinking it could never happen to me. Does anyone else feel that way? I used to hate the saying "ignorance is bliss" but now I just wish I was. I want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy and I'm not sure how.
Reaching out to all of you right now and sending hugs. I know I could use one ♡

First of all, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss of Landry. Such a gorgeous name. My son Zayn was stillbirth in March due to a true knot in his umbilical cord.

I'm so incredibly disappointed in the sonographer and the doctor, disgusted actually. That doctor has apparently been lucky his entire career, because thousands of babies die under the exact same circumstances of your dear Landry. As if we, as lost moms, don't play back what happened to us millions of times over, thinking we can intervene and save our babies, but to be interrogated by your ignorant doctor as if YOU did something wrong. I'm disgusted. If there is someone to complain to about their behavior, I would 100% because that is NOT okay. As you know, you did absolutely nothing wrong.

I am not pregnant yet but will be TTC in the next month or two. Honestly, from meeting a lot of women who had full term losses, they had a hard time to enjoy their pregnancies. Just being real with you, it's a different type of enjoyment. From the people I have talked to, a lot of enjoyment comes from living in the moment and "I am pregnant today, I am okay right now." It sucks. I like you, miss my innocence. I so wish I could go back to that person before loss that didn't know babies could die at full term. I was so carefree and it hurts.

I have no advice for you. But as someone who has also gone through a full term loss as well, all I will say is you can do everything right, and things go wrong. Likewise, you can do everything wrong, and things still go right. When it comes to this stuff, we just need to enjoy living in the moment, we can all do so much and what happens will happens. I try to remind myself what happened to us is extremely rare, but it does happen. But what also happens, is a healthy baby is born. My husband likes to remind me, we can't predict the future, good or bad. So enjoy the moment.

I send you all the positive thoughts in the world. I pray you go home with your baby.

Thank you so much for your reply ♡ I'm so sorry to hear about your sweet Zayn. What a beautiful and strong name. Your words have given me such comfort today, and I am just so grateful for this community for this very reason. I wish that none of us were a part of it, but I am glad we are not alone. The grieving process is so unpredictable and it really takes some surprising twists and turns at times. I've learned to give myself more grace with each wave, but it doesn't always make them easier to endure. The first month we were trying for our rainbow, we weren't successful, and I remember how hard it hit me when my period showed up. It just brought so many emotions. I knew that now we officially wouldn't have a baby for another calendar year and it just made me feel even more robbed. I also was just so angry because we shouldn't have even been trying then, but rather enjoying our three month old baby. Before loss, one month with a negative wouldn't have hit me so hard, but as you know everything changes. I pray that you get your rainbow soon, and just remember that whatever feelings may come up are normal.

I agree with you 100% on the doctor and sonographer. I actually am writing a letter that started out as just a way to get out my emotions, but I may actually send it to this hospital. I can't imagine another loss mama experiencing this kind of treatment down the road.

You are absolutely right about how you can do everything right and things can go wrong. Those words really hit me, especially after that doctor had me questioning everything all over again. I can't thank you enough for that. Sending so much love ♡

Kae—I’m so sorry to hear of your sweet Landry and of this awful treatment you received. I would definitely send the letter. The hospital should have an office of the patient advocate. They are the best office to receive it. Sending peace to you.

Dear Kae,

I'm so sorry about your loss, how sad.
That Dr sounds like a jerk. What is his problem, treating a grieving mother that way??

When people react that way it makes me not want to talk about my loss. I often hope I'll get a sympathetic ear, I share and end up disappointed. I had a shitty encounter with a nurse at my last appointment, I expressed fear of stillbirth for this subsequent pregnancy and I don't know what I was expecting but I guess I'm still looking for answers and just wanted some comfort and she was so awkward/borderline blaming me... not her intention I'm sure but I left thinking WTF lady... Unless you've personally dreamt of holding that baby and lost it so suddenly you just have no idea.

Like you, I'm not naive this pregnancy, meaning I'm constantly dipping into panic mode when he's not active. Is this what medical professionals had in mind? 3am not resting because I'm crying, prodding my belly for movement? They are full of shit if they think people do this before losing a child.

*virtual hug* it's not your fault.

Did you send the letter? How is your current pregnancy going?