I'm back and this time with a BFP. I feel quite anxious and nauseous and hesitant to tell anyone or to celebrate. Other than my partner, no one knows.

We lost my full-term babe a year ago last week. Got the autopsy results only a month ago, originally thought it was a cord accident but results said asphyxiation and really they don't know the cause. My placenta was really small (10th percentile), but that could be unrelated. So many painful months not even knowing what happened to my only kid and still don't really, even with the results.

I have PCOS and was TTC 6 weeks after giving birth but never able to until a whole year later. I am accustomed to having very long cycles (35-60 days) and I usually take a preggo test 35 days in, just to see if I should be starting the raspberry-motherwort teas to encourage a period. I had almost given up hope, we were talking about fostering/adopting. My first baby took 3 years to conceive so my expectations were very low this time, as I am in my mid-thirties. So I spent 30 days after a negative test trying to kickstart a period with herbal medicine, smoking weed for the nausea, exercising pretty intensely. We held memorial gatherings for my lost baby's first birthday. Then wham, BFP! I'm actually probably about 9 weeks in, but don't even know if it's alive or ok. I have a dr's appt at the end of April and I'm scared. I've obviously started being careful about what I ingest but I'm scared to fall in love again and have my heart broken. It's not like I can feel it kicking or anything, if I am destined to miscarry I'd rather it happen sooner than at 41 weeks like last time. The prevailing emotion is fear, although I can't help but feel cautiously optimistic.

Anyone else ever have a stillbirth with asphyxiation or small placentas? What did you do for subsequent pregnancies?

Hi M,
First, a gentle congratulations. Be kind and gentle with yourself in this time.
My first child was stillborn at 40.5 weeks after I went into labor. The acute cause of death was aspiration, but the thing that caused the asphyxiation/fetal distress was probably that my placenta was very small - the MFM told me that, it wasn't on the autopsy - only the acute cause of death was. They said 10th percentile for the placenta on the forms, but I think it turned out it was just a box they tick and so the category was really 10th percentile or less - that could be 10th or it could be 1st.
I have had two (living) babies since then. For each, after 6 weeks, on the advice of an MFM, I took baby aspirin every day as it helps placental growth and I took it until around 36 weeks. You should talk to your doctor - I don't think there's any harm in taking it now though. The other thing is that they did regular growth scans in my subsequent pregnancies to make sure they would catch it if growth started to fall off. With my second child, it did happen around 37 weeks, and they induced me early - she was very small (5lbs10oz) but healthy. With my third, they kept a very close eye and they induced me at 39 weeks (which was the plan with the second as well). The doctors reassured me the whole time that it was very very unlikely that I would have another late term loss because they were watching so closely - and that did help some.
I also highly recommend getting a therapist. Pregnancy after loss is one of the hardest things I've ever done and I really recommend a therapist.
Sending you peace vibes and strength.

Thanks so much for replying, SR. I can't believe how similar our stories are. The Dr who delivered my first baby said the same thing about baby asprin, so I will start that right away. He also suggested inducing at 37 weeks, which is comforting. How lovely you were able to have 2 more healthy ones. Thanks again for sharing.

Hi M, as SR said a gentle congrats to you. My daughter was stillborn at 28 weeks almost 7 years ago. She was small for gestational age. They found a complete, concealed placental abruption . They don’t know if it happened suddenly or over time. The placental was small and unhealthy. For my subsequent pregnancy, MFM also put me on baby aspirin. MFM also said that the minute he didn’t like something he saw starting at 32 weeks, baby would be out. I ended up with a scheduled c at 37 weeks on the dot. Baby boy was a little over 6lb and healthy. Sanity savers for me were: a therapist that specialized in pregnancy loss and infertility, a support group for pregnancy after loss, and staying on the Zoloft I went on after the daughter died. I also stayed on that for the first year of my son’s life (he’s 5). Sending you calm thoughts.

Thanks for your thoughtful advice and for sharing your experience. Just had my first ultrasound yesterday, everything looks good. We left the clinic in shock and it took about 5 hours after the scan before we dared to say 'yay' (we went in there not even knowing if it was alive). I also started the baby asprin yesterday. I'm still not telling anyone other than our moms for now because the thought of having to tell people about a second loss breaks my heart and it is something I would rather go about in private if it happens.

As for therapy, I don't have insurance and have never had a positive experience with therapists covered by health care (Canada). I can't afford a good therapist and even if I could, I struggle with trust issues. I consider myself lucky to have supportive people like you on this website who understand my grief and anxiety. Thank you!