Last July 2020, my husband and I decided we wanted to start our family. We told our parents on both sides that we were ready to start trying.
A few days later, we learned that his older sister- mother of 3 boys- was pregnant again in another attempt for her girl. I was excited for her and so excited that we might be able to provide a cousin close in age to her latest addition! Pleasantly and surprisingly, I was pregnant after my first cycle off BC. I felt an excitement I didn't know existed. At my 8 week ultrasound in October, though, the sonographer just gasped, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" and my life changed forever.

At this point, we knew that my sister-in-law was having another boy. I love my nephews- they are in large part why I want to have children- and I was still so excited for my sister-in-law; but my feelings definitely took a hardened turn and an uncomfortable edge that I knew I was going to have to cope with and manage no matter what. I completed the missed miscarriage at home the weekend following my ultrasound, and it took awhile- a couple months- for my body to feel ready again to try. My mind took longer.

Finally, though, in January 2021, I was in a better place. Finally. I was genuinely excited for the entrance of our newest nephew into the world in February. But then we received some news that threw the balance I had somewhat achieved off course and that just rubbed salt onto the wound: my husband's youngest brother called to let him know that the girl he had started seeing was pregnant. We thought he was calling to tell us that they had decided to move in together. The bottom fell out for me. I was not excited for him or his new girlfriend. My husband's family is very welcoming and loving, and this is one reason why I love them; however, the timing could not be worse. My husband's mom sent us a text acknowledging how hard this must be for us, but that if her baby boy was happy that's all that matters. All in the same text.

About a week after we got this news, I learned I was pregnant again. This news helped mollify my frustration with having to get used to seeing this woman's name in our family text thread all of a sudden, being sent a text reminder from husband's mom to wish her a happy birthday, and also just in general having to put out the mental energy of being a kind and welcoming person to this new adult addition to the family. But it didn't lessen how raw I still felt about it all, even while pregnant. Because obviously, what with the first loss, this second pregnancy was no walk in the park. I was taking it day by day, obsessing over every symptom, trying not to get too attached, resisting telling myself my pregnancy was reality because it could all change in one visit to the OB. And my instincts were right. Last Thursday, I went in for my 10 week ultrasound and learned that I had miscarried at around 8.5 weeks. I went in for the D&C on Friday. I have had a non-stop headache from weeping every day since last Thursday.

This time, though, I am reaching out to support groups and actively looking for counseling. I have completely disengaged from Instagram and Facebook, where triggers abound. But how does one cope with and disengage from triggers that are so close? When those triggers are your own family? How does one grapple with a brother-in-law's new girlfriend's pregnancy in the midst of one's own multiple pregnancy losses?

i hear you ewm, triggers everywhere. Every tv show features prolonged scenes of crying babies or unwanted children. All my friends have kids but they've been pretty supportive and we only ever hang out (outside bonfires during COVID) without their families. I am ok around older children but lil ones, especially babies, just break my heart. I just try not to get myself into situations where they are around but when they pop up I give myself permission to peace out. Although others can never understand my pain, they are at least sympathetic and if they're not they know better than to say anything.

Hope this helps! Hang in there.

Hi ewm,
I hope that you're doing ok. I just saw your post, and want to respond. I am so sorry about your losses.
Grappling with the world post-baby loss is the worst. It just doesn't feel safe anymore. There are so many triggers, and I have been surprised at the things that set me off. Stories about miscarriage and stillbirth, for example, don't trigger me as much as newborns do. I still struggle with being near the baby aisle in shops.
I had a close friend who announced her pregnancy the week before my baby was stillborn. I saw her once, in the weeks after, and thought that I coped ok with it at the time, but in reality, I didn't. I went home and couldn't deal with it. That was the last time I saw her, over 6 months ago now. I've gently let her know that I can't do it. I don't know if she gets it or not, and truthfully, it's not a priority. My own well-being is the priority.
I know it's harder with family, and it's not nearly as easy to set boundaries. But I hope that you can prioritise yourself, because how you feel is valid. I highly recommend therapy, and I've also found various alternative therapies to be very helpful.
Sending strength and love and hope.
Sarah

Hi ewm,

I completely relate to what you've been experiencing and the comments afterwards. I have had 2 missed miscarriages and have watched friends who started trying after us have their babies while we're still trying to heal from our losses and not yet pregnant again. I have one friend who texted me about her second trimester fears and challenges about a month after she knew I had a second miscarriage. I felt so guilty about not feeling nothing but excitement for her that I comforted her even though it completely gutted me. She also showed up at my parents house when I was visiting for the holidays (when I shouldn't have been able to fly there because I should have been in my third trimester) after I had told her I only wanted to see family, with no awareness that seeing my pregnant friend might be challenging for me at that time.

Unfortunately not everyone has understood when I've shared that I can't come to baby showers or need some extra space or to connect in different ways. Sarah I so appreciate that you named that your friends understanding of your needing space is not your priority; I really appreciate hearing that. EWM I relate to not being able to get away from it all because I have a number of shared friends with this friend so I still get group messages asking to see baby photos etc. It feels so unfair that to safeguard myself from triggers I have to loose contact with all these people and ask them to not include me, it feels like the only way I could protect myself. It starts to feel like I'm dodging triggers everywhere I go.

I have found it very helpful to lean on people who have been supportive each time someone who isn't supportive or aware throws another challenges or trigger in my face. My husband and I share when someone says something obtuse (like his friend, who also knows about our experiences, told him he was going to "spam his phone" with baby photos now that his baby, who should be the same age as our second pregnancy, is born) and remind each other that it's ok to not feel joy for them and just feel grief and sorrow. I have also been going to therapy more regularly now and my therapist guided me through a process where my current self went back to the scene where my friend showed up at my parents house and protected my vulnerable and overwhelmed self by explaining to my friend that it was not ok to be there (with some definite anger and emotion expression!). I found in surprisingly and wonderfully helpful. And I so appreciate hearing that I'm not the only one, that it doesn't make me a bad friend or person to hear about others' pregnancies and want to get away from them instead of celebrate with them.

Thank you all for sharing. This was meaningful to me.