ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > This feels reckless
Thank you for sharing your story Sarah.
I am so sorry for your loss of little Oscar. It feels so very unfair when something so random, so chance, happens to us and our precious baby. I lost my first child, a little girl we named Nina. She had anomalies with her heart and kidneys that were not compatible with life on the outside world, and it was said to have been a 1/10000 chance of occurring. We were then told because it happened with our first pregnancy, it was actually a 1/5 chance in future pregnancies. Despite these odds, we decided to forge ahead and try again. I waited 6 months to try again, but honestly, I wouldn’t have been emotionally ready for another devastating loss, not then, not ever. It was simply worth the risk for me to try again. My subsequent 2 pregnancies (I now have 2 sons) were full of anxiety. I let myself feel some joy when we hit the big milestones (heartbeat, normal anatomy scan, reaching term), but there was always a powerful sense of “this could all come crashing down at any time” feeling underlying the entire pregnancies. I think that is just the reality for us parents who know loss.
It certainly sounds like you are being very proactive and doing what you can to optimize your mental health! I do hope your care provider is understanding and extra supportive knowing your history. My OB was amazing and said “if you ever just need to come in for an ultrasound to see that everything is okay, please do”. I never did take her up on the offer l, but just knowing I could have me such peace of mind.
And of course, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope the remainder of it is completely uneventful and you have a healthy baby in your arms in 33 weeks.
AK
I am so sorry for your loss of little Oscar. It feels so very unfair when something so random, so chance, happens to us and our precious baby. I lost my first child, a little girl we named Nina. She had anomalies with her heart and kidneys that were not compatible with life on the outside world, and it was said to have been a 1/10000 chance of occurring. We were then told because it happened with our first pregnancy, it was actually a 1/5 chance in future pregnancies. Despite these odds, we decided to forge ahead and try again. I waited 6 months to try again, but honestly, I wouldn’t have been emotionally ready for another devastating loss, not then, not ever. It was simply worth the risk for me to try again. My subsequent 2 pregnancies (I now have 2 sons) were full of anxiety. I let myself feel some joy when we hit the big milestones (heartbeat, normal anatomy scan, reaching term), but there was always a powerful sense of “this could all come crashing down at any time” feeling underlying the entire pregnancies. I think that is just the reality for us parents who know loss.
It certainly sounds like you are being very proactive and doing what you can to optimize your mental health! I do hope your care provider is understanding and extra supportive knowing your history. My OB was amazing and said “if you ever just need to come in for an ultrasound to see that everything is okay, please do”. I never did take her up on the offer l, but just knowing I could have me such peace of mind.
And of course, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope the remainder of it is completely uneventful and you have a healthy baby in your arms in 33 weeks.
AK
March 12, 2021 |
AK
AK
Thank you for your response AK,
I went on a little internet hiatus for the sake of my sanity, and am slowly crawling back. I so appreciated your words here. Your story gives me so much hope. That you forged ahead against the terrifying odds, and that you have two beautiful children is just wonderful.
I am 23 weeks now, and things are progressing well. I’m still learning so much about holding happiness and sadness, and managing anxiety, but my husband and I are also making a concerted effort to bask in the happy moments for as long as we possibly can. The panic spirals still happen, but I have a wonderful support network, and now that I feel movement quite consistently there is real reassurance.
Sending love to you. Thank you for sharing.
I went on a little internet hiatus for the sake of my sanity, and am slowly crawling back. I so appreciated your words here. Your story gives me so much hope. That you forged ahead against the terrifying odds, and that you have two beautiful children is just wonderful.
I am 23 weeks now, and things are progressing well. I’m still learning so much about holding happiness and sadness, and managing anxiety, but my husband and I are also making a concerted effort to bask in the happy moments for as long as we possibly can. The panic spirals still happen, but I have a wonderful support network, and now that I feel movement quite consistently there is real reassurance.
Sending love to you. Thank you for sharing.
June 23, 2021 |
Sarah
Sarah
I’ve been a reader here for a while, but this is my first post. I’m Sarah. I lost my baby, Oscar, at 27 weeks in November last year. He died from a velamentous cord insertion that was diagnosed at 24 weeks - I woke up one morning and just knew that something was wrong. We went straight to the hospital and my doctor told me that there was no heartbeat. I gave birth to him three days later. He was just perfect. The most beautiful little boy. He was our first child.
Before his birth, my doctor wasn’t sure that his death was caused by the VCI, but after delivery of the placenta, it was very clear that it was the problem. We were told that it was complete bad luck, the worst kind of chance possible, and there is no reason that anything similar should happen if I get pregnant again.
Fast forward to now, and I am pregnant again. 7 weeks. We started ‘not not trying’ after my first period, and it must have happened quickly. Of course, there is so much relief, because I had become fearful that maybe Oscar was my only chance to become a mother. When I saw the positive, I felt such a surge of happiness.
The happiness is still there, but the fear is also so real. This just feels so reckless. Of course, if everything works out, it will be wonderful. But if it doesn’t, where will I be? I don’t even know if I’ll survive it. I so badly want to enjoy this, but am feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. I know that the happy naivete of my first pregnancy is gone forever, but I want to be able to hold on to something.
My partner and I are going to therapy; we’re meditating; we’re spending time in nature and being healthy and kind and gentle with each other; I go for reflexology regularly and am also trying shiatsu and acupuncture - I want to give myself whatever tools might be able to help me do this!
You are all so strong and so brave, every single day. Thank you for creating this space. I just want to put this out there and share my story as all of your stories bring me hope and comfort.