I love this website but it'd be cool if there was section for TTC that isn't the same as the one for pregnancy. I'm sure being pregnant after loss is so hard and everything but TTC unsuccessfully is a horrible journey that is made worse by those happy announcements. Almost 6 months after the loss of our first full-term baby, I thought I'd be pregnant by now but instead I've been bleeding for the last 2 months, seeing Drs, getting bullshit answers... I want to read and share but give me a break. No offense.

I think this is a great idea!
I’m very sorry that you’re going through all that as well

My heart goes out to you. After, My husband and I lost our child 5 weeks before he was due, to severe preeclampsia. I almost died. So, there was a bit of survivors guilt & it was confusing because as traumatic as it was- Life doesn’t stop & it doesn’t care what you went through. We got our son through IUI. The MD said the same thing. I was trying so hard to be okay with the loss of our only son. For me, I was VERY bitter & really not okay. Anywhere we went there couldn’t be kids around because I would get so angry & sad. & people weren’t so nice initially. They would parade their child and want me to listen to their trials of being a mom, when really I didn’t even care how they were doing because for once I was focused on me. At a restaurant- don’t seat me near children. I retired early and closed our business so that we could concentrate on our new child. After my body healed my heart and mind needed to heal.
We were set for another IUI ( like pulling teeth) and because my legs were trembling with fear to the point of my whole body shacking. In my heart, I knew the MD was having a hard time getting me pregnant. So the next IUI was a waste.
One thing that was constant was the love, respect, and willingness to talk about our feelings between my husband and I. That tragic event somehow made us closer. After the loss, I didn’t know where I fit in with life. We were trying so many failed attempts. I even freaked out on a family member screaming that I wanted my child. After some time, I was there for friends who lost their son. And I hated the fact that their silver lining was that at least they had more then one child. I had none. I focused on loving myself and growing in the same direction as my husband. That was able to keep us going. It started not being fun. It was sort of mechanical. It got to a point where in the end, we were happy with just being married. That was a blessing. (I gave up my religion too). Then, COVID came and hospitals weren’t able to get me pregnant. So, no IUI. I tried to have fun and had to remind myself that I am still a mom to my two pittbulls, a wife, & the various roles I played in life. We stopped trying. Then, I became more destructive because I would drink and smoke but nothing dulled the pain. Nothing freed my heart of that whole experience.
I had to find hope for a better day & find a way to move through my grief. The pain never goes away nor do I expect it. After two years- I wanted to have fun and enjoy life I didn’t want my whole life to ravel due to I lost a child. My husband and I had an incredible night when we went out of town for our 13 yr anniversary. We weren’t trying to conceive- but we were trying to show each other love and personal satisfaction. In time, I was happy and looking forward to my 40th birthday. Three days later I took a test for fun bcuz I felt so sick in general. It came out positive.
Now, I am searching for questions about dealing with a pregnancy after your child died. I am doing my best@ the same time it’s very challenging. I just focus one day at a time. If that was too hard then an hour down to the second. Just take care of yourself (&your marriage) and in the end-you never know what will happen. I wish you all the best and know in my heart that you are an amazing mother.

I think it is a great idea too, M.

After 5 fresh IVF transfers and 2 frozen, the loss of our premature twin baby girls and a following miscarriage is very difficult for me to read about pregnancies especially immediately after they start TTC again after the loss. Please, dont get me wrong, I feel happy for all the ladies in here that have managed to have a baby after the tragic loss of their babies but I feel so very sorry for me because we may never get our rainbow.

I just pray for a miracle now as we cannot afford another round of IVF nor am I in a psychological position to go through one.

I hope your body recovers so very soon and the bleeding stops. Take care xxx

Mrs B,

You nailed it, in describing the endless grief in trying without conceiving. So well that I'm not mad you used my thread to announce your pregnancy. I'm finding it easier to be at peace with people's pregnancies and births if they had a hellish time getting there. I still am struggling not to be enraged by Oopsy pregnancies of younger couples, or at people who just get what they want right away, especially if I disagree with their parenting methods.

Some people say it takes a village, but most get their backs up if anyone other than the mother intervenes when their child is acting like a jerk. I have been working in childcare for nearly 10 years, seeing other people's babies and kids and parenting. I hope that since you've lived with the threat of no babies, when yours does come along you will let others in.

I just want to be a parent, to nurture and love. I don't mean to shame those who need support while trying to grow another baby. I'm happy for you and hope you find all the help you need on this website. I'm just in a lot of pain, still living childless, missing my darling. I feel more depressed than ever, I know this winter will be hard, especially hard if I'm not pregnant, and here it comes. Help me.

Wasn’t trying to announce my pregnancy. Sorry if I caused you any pain. I shared this because I personally went through what u did. Plus, I doubt anyone will no who I am. None of my friends or family members knows because I am afraid to get attach & I lose it again.
The main point is I so now how you feel. I have put those timelines on it, went to specialists to get pregnant. My MD/ OBYGN told me it wouldn’t happen until 2 years. And that’s when it happened naturally. Really wish u the best. Do not lose hope because I know in my heart that you will announce that you are pregnant.

Just take care of yourself and be patient with your journey. Remember, life doesn’t care what you go through. There was a lot of sad stuff that I left out that doesn’t need to be shared.

I so wish that, and wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy.

I've been thinking, if I ever do get lucky I would be inclined to share my joy in the Parenting section, rather than the TTC one. This website calls us Mothers and Fathers, but I've never held my living child in my arms. Am I or am I not a parent? Will pregnancy be the only time I ever get to be the parent of a living baby? I'm curious about your thoughts, Mrs B, Mary and Philomena's mum. This might seem like a technicality, but is important to me.

I would rather not turn the knife in the wound for those TTC with difficulty, if I wouldn't announce in Parenting after loss, I probably won't here at all. But if I am ever in that situation, I would love the support from this community, which has made me feel so understood throughout this horrible journey. I don't think I'd be able to share news like that with a full-out feeling of peace if it would cause pain for others too. Am I wrong? I welcome your thoughts.

M,

I completely understand your feelings about whether you’re a parent or not. My daughter died 35 minutes after she was born, but I never held her alive as they were working on her. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I 100% believe my husband is a father. I even bought him a Fathers Day gift after she passed. However, I’ve told him never to call me a mother because I just don’t feel like one. Maybe it’s the sense of guilt I have about her death. I know I couldn’t prevent it but it sure as hell doesn’t stop me from thinking it was my fault. I couldn’t do the one thing I was supposed to do. Keep her alive and safe. But on the other hand if someone forgets her (my mum made a comment the other day about my niece being her youngest grandchild) I kinda go into “mummy bear” mode and become extremely defensive. Maybe that does make me a mother. I’d love nothing more than to have another child, being a mother is all I’ve ever wanted. But we’re now doing genetic testing and I scared of what those results will show. Maybe I won’t be able to fulfill that dream because of my stupid genes. So if that happens will I have to see myself as a mother to a dead child? I’m not sure but it’s extremely complex.
I truly hope you get youre BFP and if you decide not post it on the parenting forum, I hope you do post it here. Seeing stories like that makes me think there is hope (I might change my mind if I don’t get pregnant when we start trying) and you deserve to have the support and happiness everyone else does. But if the forums were split I think that would be fantastic.

Dear M.,

I see you.
As a fellow babylost mother I am proud of you for showing up for your needs.

(See? In my eyes you absolutely are a mother.)

M,

I too struggled with whether I considered myself a mother after my first babe was born still. I really didn't - I know others feel differently and I think all those feelings are valid. However, after I (luckily) got pregnant afterwards, I did not consider myself a parent until after the baby arrived safe and sound. Pregnancy after a loss is filled with so much anxiety and fear of its own - even once you've got past the conception. Threads in this forum really helped me through my subsequent pregnancies. This forum is both for people who are TTC and people who are pregnant after a loss - the name is TTC, pregnancy, birth after loss. Perhaps those two should be separated - I certainly can understand how hard and heart wrenching it is to see people get BFPs when you are struggling. Just the same, I wouldn't have felt right going over to the parenting forum afterwards. In the past on this page, people have maintained separate threads for current pregnancies and current TTCs. Perhaps that would help for now.

I hope you get your BFP, and that this place gives you some of the support you need until then and after then.