Today, I am more pregnant than I've ever been before. I'm 24+4 and I feel like every day from here on out is a gift. I was feeling good and excited earlier this week but slowly panic started to creep in today - I'm so afraid something will go wrong again, I'm afraid of getting COVID-19 and dying, I'm afraid of having to deliver without my husband around, I'm afraid he will get sick. And then we got an early birthday gift in the mail for our late son this afternoon, a beautiful music box from my in-laws, and my fragile equilibrium is completely gone.

The waves of grief are more manageable and farther apart, but when they come, they are still so painful. I feel so depleted while riding them out.

It is hard to keep the fear and pain and sadness at bay in the best of times, and I think we can agree these are far from the best of times.

Just reaching out to get this off of my chest, and to offer love and strength to the rest of you on this journey. I hope everyone is taking care of their bodies and their hearts.

Hi Ezra's Mama. Gentle congratulations on making it past 24 weeks, what an absolutely strange time we are living in. I'm approaching the point in this pregnancy when I gave birth to my son last January- 23 and 6, I'm currently 22 and 6, and I feel the grief creeping it's way in more and more every day. More than I ever could have imagined, I want this baby to stay put for at least a couple more months to ride out this pandemic. The possibility of preterm birth, NICUs, coronavirus, having a baby who cannot meet their family, I'm really holding my breath during this time too. It feels so wobbly. I think our world is in a state of grief too- I read blips of the news and hear about so so so many people dying without their family by their side and it knocks me out. I spend a lot of time sitting around and playing music for the baby, talking and reading books. I'm so grateful they are shielded from the world right now. I'm here in solidarity with you, and crossing everything that we both make it as close to full term as possible, and to the other side of this pandemic.

Hi Ezra's mom-
Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Ezra and meeting under such circumstances. I'm reading in another post that you gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Felix, in July. Congratulations on his healthy and joyous arrival!

I saw in the other post that you had PE and HELLP when you were pregnant with Ezra. I too had severe PE starting at week 26, and my son was delivered at 27 weeks and passed away two days later. That was back in 2018, and I am now 11 weeks pregnant. This was actually unintentional, as it's been really hard for me and my husband to make the decision to try again, knowing all of the risks that come along with PE in a subsequent pregnancy. It's just very likely it will come back and it's just so late (yet too soon) until it does. Reading your story made me hopeful, that perhaps this time my baby will be spared. I guess I'm wondering how you managed the uncertainty during your pregnancy with Felix. Did you have any specific strategies to deal with any of this? Was there any reassurance along the way that this time would be different?

Sending positive thoughts to you and your boys.

P’s mum, thank you for reaching out and for your congratulations. I’m so sorry you lost your son. What is his name? Gentle congratulations on this new pregnancy with his little brother or sister.

I feel like I held my breath for 37 weeks and I’m not sure how well I coped, but there were two things I tried to keep in mind to steady myself on really bad days: not allowing myself to be happy or excited would not change any outcome and wouldn’t soften the blow if something went wrong, so I might as well be happy; and while I had a much higher risk of PE than other people have, there was still a greater chance that everything would be ok.

I also educated myself about PE and HELLP and was vigilant about monitoring my blood pressure at home after 20 weeks. If something was starting to go wrong, I wanted to know as soon as possible. I requested growth ultrasounds every 4 weeks in my second trimester to make sure his growth was on track and my placenta was functioning well. I asked every question I had and called my doctors any time I was concerned. I took low dose aspirin per my doctor’s instructions. I set milestones for myself and each time we passed one I could breathe easier (reaching the second trimester, getting past anatomy scan, getting past the age we had Ezra, third trimester, 32 weeks when I knew a baby would have a great shot, and 36 weeks when I trusted that all would be well). I took good care of my body by sleeping and resting, getting regular exercise, and trying to cut out non-essential stress - not because these things are related to PE (I know they aren’t), but because feeling physically cared for helped me deal with the freight train of grief and emotions that a post-loss pregnancy brought on. I shared my anxiety with my closest family and friends and let them reassure me and be there for me. The grief and fear were too much for my husband and I to carry alone.

I hope you find moments of joy and peace during this pregnancy, and I hope you will reach out here as often as you need to along the way. Knowing this community was here was invaluable to me, and I hope it proves to be a source of comfort and strength to you, too. Best wishes for a healthy, uneventful pregnancy and please keep us posted if you feel comfortable doing so.

Hi Ezra's mom-

Thanks for your kind message and sharing your experience. Last night, I was looking at the one picture I have of my son, I call him P on here, with his face unobstructed by tubes and the c-pap. He was small, but so sweet and it's still painful that he's not here with us. It's helpful to know there is someone out there who has been in my same situation, that you braved another pregnancy, and that in the end you have a healthy baby boy.

I think I vacillate between trying not to think about any of this, to overthinking all of this. I agree, might as well be happy because it won't change the outcome, another loss would be just as devastating, and I know that, but I think my emotional brain takes over my rational brain. I also try to tell myself other things that I rationally know to be true: 1) this is a different pregnancy with a different placenta, 2) this was spontaneous conception, rather than IVF (like my first), and so that eliminates a big risk factor, 3) PE in a second pregnancy is generally later and less severe. My husband reminds me too that there are so many worlds where this does work out for us.

This Friday I have the 12 week scan, and I should be getting my genetic testing results back soon too. So, that would be another big milestone. My Dr seems to be doing the same thing as yours. I'm on aspirin, will be doing monthly growth scans (maybe even every 2 weeks) starting at week 20, and I also have a BP cuff at home.

Thanks again for your message, and I'll keep you posted on how things progress.

Hi Ezra's Mama-

I wanted to close the loop on this thread. So, my beautiful daughter, C, was born on April 17th at 34 weeks and six days. I never developed PE during this pregnancy, but I did have an emergency C-section due to a placental abruption. C spent 11 nights in the NICU but is now home with us and putting go weight quickly. I feel like I can start to finally breathe out after the pregnancy and the NICU stay. This has been a journey. I did a lot of compartmentalization during the pregnancy. I only told immediate family and friends who saw me pregnant that we were expecting. I made them promise not to bring up the the pregnancy, somehow pretended like it wasn't there except during times when I could emotionally handle it. Like you, I took it day by day, and week by week, just only looking ahead to the next milestone. It felt like a relief to make it past 27 weeks, then 32, then 34. Anyway, I think I'm still processing a bit the end of the pregnancy and the NICU stay which definitely triggered PTSD from my first, but I'm infinitely enjoying my snuggles with C.