I really don't even know how to start my story. In October my daughter was born- healthy and beautiful, we tried two years for her so the day that she was finally here was magical. She had no issues and we went home and were just getting used to life. My husband and I also have a five-year-old son and he was loving being a big brother. December 5th is when she passed away. We went through a literal nightmare. The night of December 2nd, we noticed her color seemed a bit off, so we rushed her to the ER. Within 10 minutes of being there- she coded and needed CPR. They could not figure out what was going on, no infection was being found. They thought she had an issue with her heart, so she needed to be lifeflighted to a Childrens Hospital. She coded two more times and needed CPR two more times before they were able to get her stable enough to fly. I had a 2 hour drive to the hospital not knowing if she made it through the flight, not knowing if something had happened. Finally getting there, the doctors were rushing to find out what was wrong with her belly- which was news to us. They did exploratory surgery that morning and did not know what happened- but her intestines were dying and very swollen. They left her open to try to see if they would heal on there own after relieving pressure. During the next couple days, every time a doctor walked in there was more bad news. She was having constant seizures, her organs were failing and needed to be placed on dialysis, and so many meds. She had an IV in every spot they could get one in at. It was the worst thing a parent could witness, as many of you I am sure can relate. On December 5th, they went back into surgery to see if any of her intestines were alive- they were not. We spent the rest of the day cuddling her and letting family say goodbyes- and we finally said goodbye to our sweet Little Bear that evening. I never thought anything like this could ever happen to us- why my baby girl. I am grieving and suffering from PTSD from this event and still don't know what way is up.

After our daughter passed away, my husband and I decided that we would want more kids in the future. Both of our children took two years to concieve and multiple meds, so we did not think anything would happen before we decided to go to the doctor and get on meds. We were wrong. 2 months after our daughter passed- we found out we are currently pregnant and my due date is 4 days before her birthday. While I am happy and feeling so blessed, I am also feeling scared and alone. I try to talk to my family about this- but it is hard because no one understands. I do not know how to process all these emotions and the fear of what if something happens to this baby. And I find myself thinking alot of what if it is a boy this time and not a girl. A big part of me wants another girl because I was so excited for all the firsts with my little girl. I feel like many people are judging us for this happening so quickly. Thinking it is too soon that this has happened, but I am looking at it as a miracle sent by God and our baby girl. How can I not? We did already announce and I fought with that decision, because on one hand you dont want to have to tell everyone if something happens- but in the same sense, we need all the support we can get right now. We are still going through so much and trying to navigate all of this is so confusing and emotionally draining.

Chelsea,

My heart is with you and your family and everything you have all been through. It is horrific and there are no other words.

I am sending cautious optimism and gentle excitement/congratulations to you and your little one. Life works in funny, inexplicable ways at times and I agree with you- it was meant to be for you to have this pregnancy. I am also pregnant and terrified after my 21 week loss due to placental abruption. I keep telling myself this is a different pregnancy and I keep taking it day by day and am just finding ways to be excited for the little things. The hardest part is keeping my own thoughts out that want me to go down a doom and despair path. It is harder when there are few people that really understand the fear that comes with PAL. I am here for you anytime if you need a friend to just listen. I wish you all positive things with this pregnancy and baby.

Chelsea,

I am so so so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. How devastating and traumatic that experience must have been, and then all of that on top of the most intensive grief, I am just so sorry and I am holding you in my heart. I often have flash backs of my son being hooked up to a million machines, the beeping, the transfusions, the worried faces, the bad news that just kept coming and coming, and it is so hard for that to not shadow the one very good day we had with him. Our experiences are very different, but I am with you in grief.

There is so much pressure from outsiders and family after a baby dies. Some people think another pregnancy will heal the grief, others think if you get pregnant too early you must just be replacing your baby that died, most people will never, ever understand what all of this feels like - pregnancy after such a huge loss, pregnancy and grieving, connecting with a new baby and continuing to connect with your lost baby. It's so complex. I too am pregnant, and while intended it happened much, much faster than we expected. I've had a lot of trouble dealing with other people's anxieties, excitement, fear, and just in general the narratives that people create about you in their own heads when you've lost a baby. I keep my distance where necessary and lean heavily on the few who are irrevocably there for me.

Your new baby is a miracle, and I wish you an easy and uneventful pregnancy. If you want to, feel free to join us on the pregnancy thread.

<3