We saw a heartbeat. It was teeny tiny, but it was there. For now, this little one is hanging around. One milestone down, 10,000 to go. And I bought a newborn outfit. Which felt like an act of defiance against the universe. All I can do is hope that there will be a baby to bring home in this newborn outfit. Some days, acting as though this is a sure thing makes me feel better. Some days, it feels like tempting fate.

We have started telling friends and family because, quite frankly, I need other people to remind me to be happy about this, and we need our loved ones to help us carry this, like they've helped us carry our grief. After an early loss and a neonatal loss, I know better than to think there is a magic safe zone.

Further, I have no energy for pretense, even the very normal pretense of not being pregnant when you are, in fact, pregnant. It takes energy to act normal in the world most days, and adding this on top of grief means that I am preoccupied at best, and on the verge of losing it at worst.

I have had moments of joy and peace with this pregnancy so far, but mostly vast swaths of time when I'm consumed by fear and anxiety. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. I know this baby deserves a healthy, happy mama, just like Ezra did. I am glad that, if all goes well, I have 30ish weeks to become that healthy, happy person again.

I’m in a similar boat as you. After a 40 week picture perfect pregnancy, Cadence passed away after a complicated delivery and too much oxygen lost with irreversible brain damage. I just got my positive test 2 weeks ago, and I’m trying to view it as, I’m pregnant today, and no one can take that away from me. I’m 6 weeks along, and hoping to see that teeny tiny heartbeat soon. ❤️ You’re not alone!

Hi,

Im here with you. Feeling eerily ok, and optimistic, but there is something there not allowing me to be too excited about all of this. Cautious. I am now 20 weeks. It is real, I am pregnant. I like that you purchased an outfit in defiance, because why not? Why do all the other mamas get to go through multiple pregnancy's with never a doubt in their minds? Hoping for all good things for you both. Loving my little growing baby, and always thinking of his brother August.