It has been a long time since I have looked at this web site, and even longer since I posted. In May 2016, I lost my second son Sidney in early labor just short of 37 weeks. The doctors never found a conclusive reason. In the early days after Sidney's death, I clung to this web site and the blog posts of other mothers in similar situations. You all were my life line, and to this day I am so grateful for the help. A little over a year after Sidney died, my third son was born-my pregnancy with him and my grief over Sidney blending into each other in a way that I remember that year more in glimpses/intense flash backs than detailed memory.

I am now 10 weeks pregnant with my fourth child, and what I fervently hope will be my third living child. Typing these words on a public web site is terrifying--can I jinx anything by talking about it? Disconnected from loss communities but not able to talk about this pregnancy with anyone who I know in 'real life'. My nausea and fatigue have been bad, which in some ways makes me too tired to be anxious. But then there will be short moments where my symptoms lighten and the panic sets in. I think of the statistics--this pregnancy now falls into the category of 'geriatric pregnancy', analyze ever twinge or cramp in my body.

I don't know exactly the purpose of this post, except perhaps to reenter the conversation, and to show myself that talking about these things is okay. Sending love and light to all the other mamas out there.

Sidney's mom

I didn’t want this post to go unacknowledged. A gentle congratulations to you, I am keenly aware that after loss we never exhale until our baby is in our arms (and even then do we?). But I hope you are feeling stronger each day.

Coming to Glow through my pregnancy helped. People here GET IT. Each day is hard but I wish you all the very best xx

Hi Kelly,
Thank you so much for your response.
It means a lot,
Sidney's mom