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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > pregnancy after baby loss

My husband and I are ttc this month. Our son was born prematurely and died last December due to early onset severe preeclampsia. I imagine that pregnancy after loss is a whole other animal. I see myself not telling anyone about the pregnancy and basically not acknowledging the pregnancy for the sake of my sanity. But at the same time I want to enjoy it as much as possible because who knows this might be the only time I spend with my baby. I was looking at baby clothes online which I loved to do when I was pregnant with M. Then I reminded myself that pregnancy doesn’t equal living baby and that was the end of that. I wish I could have that innocence back.
August 5, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterM's mum
M's mum, our stories are so similar and I am so sorry you lost your boy. I lost my son, Ezra, in April after severe early onset HELLP, had to have a classical c-section, and will start ttc in October. I also had a miscarriage last fall. We have no living children. I have had similar thoughts as we get closer to October. Will I tell everyone right away because I will need support if I lose another baby? Will I keep it to my immediate family until some imagined "safe" time (though I can't imagine what that would be, knowing what I know now)? At what point will I feel safe enough to allow myself to be happy? The only words of wisdom I have to offer are these: not enjoying the pregnancy won't make it hurt any less if something goes wrong. I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy with my son more. After my miscarriage, I was so apprehensive and stressed and afraid, and it did not save me any heartache when I lost him. Something I read recently has become my mantra, "Everything is a gift, and nothing lasts." (The Wild Edge of Sorrow) I hope I will be able to keep this in mind if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again.
August 6, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterEzra'sMama
Dear Ezra's Mama

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Ezra. I think you are right that no matter how much you try to distance yourself from the pregnancy it wont hurt any less to lose the baby. So i have just resolved to take it one day at a time and enjoy whenever/if I do get pregnant. I too also regret not enjoying my pregnancy with M. I kept wishing it was over sooner rather than later.
August 7, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterM's mum
Hi M's Mum and Ezra's Mama,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies. I just wanted to let you know I feel the same way too - my husband and I will be ttc starting in November this year after a preterm loss and classical c-section. As the days have gone by I've gotten both more excited and more nervous - as if the concept of trying and the potential to be pregnant again seems almost impossible, and the possibility of having a living child feels like a dream that I can't quite reach.One thing that has helped me as we approach the months of ttc is meeting and consulting with MFM's. We finally found one that we love and we know we can trust to give us the best possible chance (from Mass General in Boston). There's no known reason for our loss, but it's suspected cervical incompetence (ugh, that term), so we will be going with a preventative cerclage, which adds another layer of anxiety.

I have hope for all of us, and I'm sending lots of love to you both.
August 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAllison
Allison and M's mum, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you both. I hope we can stay in touch during this crazy TTC journey this fall.

Allison, your comment about it seeming impossible resonates so deeply with me. I feel as though I will always be on this road, and will never reach my destination... the lack of control is deeply unsettling and humbling.
September 12, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterEzra'sMama
I hope, too that we can all stay connected throughout this TTC journey. Ah, hoping the best for you both and hoping that we can all keep our sanity, too.

<3
September 16, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAllison
I do hope we can stay in touch and support each other during this journey.

My friend at work is expecting and its weird the things she's obssessed with, like is it a boy, what type of sling wrap should she buy... it seems all so trivial to me. I suppose once upon a time I used to be like that.

As we draw closer to our ttc journey I have started to have dreams. I dreamt I was back in the hospital and they were telling me that I had to give birth that very day. In another dream a friend was asking about spiking BP and having to give birth before the baby was ready. The dreams freak me out. I thought I was in that space where I could do this. I had severe early onset preeclampsia and I know it can happen again. Today in my dream I thought of asking my husband what if we just have the one child, our living daughter, would that be so bad.
September 20, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterM's mum
M's mum, I too have friends who are pregnant or have had babies since my loss and the things they are concerned about also seems so trivial - what breast pump to get, what color bibs, how to decorate the nursery - it's just a different world to me now. In some ways I really do hope for some clarity during a future pregnancy, where things like picking out clothes and crib will be FUN - is it possible? I hope so. I truly do remember having "stress" over the theme of the baby shower my mother and in-laws were planning, ugh.

I'm so sorry you are having dreams - I suppose the anxiety and fear of pregnancy seeps in in subconscious ways. Preeclampsia adds another layer onto that. I'm sure you have been doing your own research, but I've recently heard of a large study where OBs are having women with a history of preeclampsia take baby aspirin throughout pregnancy. Maybe ask your doctor if you haven't already? I don't have advice for the dreams, other than I've been trying to read/watch/listen to funny things in the evening - there is a podcast called Mortified (people reading their hilarious childhood diaries and journals) that I would recommend for a laugh.

I'm here for any venting Ezra's mama and M's mom - please keep updates coming on TTC and I'll join in when I can.
September 23, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAllison