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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Leaning towards not having another rainbow

Hi- I haven't been here for a while. We lost Luke a little over three years ago, and had our "rainbow" daughter about a year after. I always thought we would have another child, a "third" living child, but now my husband and I find ourselves leaning away from it. I am having a hard time closing the baby chapter of my life, since it feels like I am really leaving Luke behind again in a different way. But there is also some relief to leaving the unknowns of my pregnancy years behind.

In some ways, I really want another. But I don't know if I just want Luke back? Is anyone else debating whether to try for another child? I just don't know...

Sending all of you love as you navigate the complex world of pregnancy after loss.

July 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Hi Abby,

I’m so sorry for your loss of Luke. How did you lose him?

I am also struggling with the decision of ttc. I just experienced my 4th miscarriage, this time at 11 weeks. It was extremely emotional as the OB could not determine viability of the pregnancy for many weeks and after multiple ultrasounds. I struggled with the idea of allowing myself to connect with the baby. To make matters worse I had horrible morning sickness the entire time which only made me feel very pregnant.

Now I feel as though I’m not ready to give it another go but I have a very limited time period as I’m 42. It’s now or never and I feel very torn. I would of course love another baby but am I trying to fill an ocean? Will I always feel the incompleteness? My husband is all in favor of trying again and is actually following my cycle. I’m not sure how this will end but I am a bit lost.

Much love to you in this journey,

Emily BW
July 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi Abby, yes, I struggled with that for a long time after our rainbow was born 3.5 years ago. And I (well we) have finally come around to no—we’re done. I found the discussions on this at the not ttc forum here very helpful and thoughtful. For me it came down to this: I’m almost 40, I had two early losses before my daughter’s stillbirth, I have a uterine anomaly and pregnancy is a lot for my body and my stress levels. And I got to the point where I just don’t want to be pregnant again, I don’t want the risks and the heartbreak, and most of all, I don’t want another baby. My husband got there before I did though...anyway, sending you peace and patience as you sort it out. And the same to you Emily BW! Big hugs to you both.
July 28, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Hi Abby - my husband and I are also struggling with TTC again. We lost our first, a boy, at 40+5 in 2017 - probably due to undiagnosed IUGR that developed in the last few weeks and made him unable to handle labor. We had a daughter last year (she's about to turn one) - and I ended up getting induced at 37+4 after scans showed slowed growth again. We're a year on and since I'm almost 37 we really don't feel like we have time to lose if we want another - and yet, we also finally feel like we have our feet under us and are enjoying our daughter a lot - and the idea of doing pregnancy and all the accompanying anxiety again is just... exhausting. Especially for me, since I'm still breastfeeding now (though trying to wean). I think we've decided to go for it now, and just see what happens and take it as it comes, though we'd love to feel like we could wait another six months or a year. Time keeps ticking though and with it, the risks.

If we don't - I agree that it will be like saying goodbye to our son in a more final way for some reason. It's a tough decision - made harder by the fact that pregnancy for those of us who have lost babies is just a heavier undertaking.

Good luck to you in finding peace whatever you decide. It's not easy.
August 13, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterSR