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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > 11 weeks pregnant on the anniversary of my daughter's death

Everything seems to be converging on me today. I'm 11 weeks pregnant today with my third baby. It is also the anniversary of my second baby's death. We celebrated her birthday on Sunday, but today has been harder. On her birthday I was able to do things and be productive, but today I've barely left the couch. This pregnancy is starting to seem real too, which is starting to make me have so many conflicted feelings. I want to be happy, but I'm scared. I want to love this baby, but I don't want to be too attached in case it all goes wrong again.
May 1, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
Hi Nicole,

What an emotional week this week must have been. I think we all understand that conflict...we rationally know that the little voice telling us to keep a lid on things is a defense mechanism, shielding is from feeling the pain that has hit us before. It’s nice to relish the moments of hope, of anticipation, of excitement. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying those moments, of grabbing on to them. We’ve earned them!

Best of wishes for the days and weeks ahead x
May 5, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterS
Nicole, I have just been through this too. I’m currently 29w pregnant with our third and last week was our stillborn daughter’s first anniversary. It’s such a heartbreaking and conflicting time. I’ve found that, while desperately wanted, I was reluctant to attach to this baby too, for fear of everything going wrong again. It’s a protective mechanism I think. My brain also wouldn’t allow me to even picture bringing another child home until just recently (even when I think about it I don’t believe it yet).

I found that from 22-24weeks onwards I’ve been able to have moments each day where I tune into this little one. Even if I’m not 100% attached like my last two babies, I still find a moment to hold my belly and feel their kicks and whisper ‘hello’. That’s as much as I can muster really.

I spent a lot of the lead up to our daughters birthday thinking of her, grieving more acutely and being really upset that we had gotten to that milestone for her. So this week I’ve decided that I’m going to try and give more attention to this baby now and dedicate my time to trying to bond more with them, read about hypnobirthing, being mindful and starting to mentally prepare (read: hope) for their arrival.

I hope that you take the time you need to be on the couch and let yourself feel what you need to. It’s perfectly ok and understandable that some days are easier than others. We’ve all been there and continue to have those ourselves.

Sending love xx
May 9, 2019 | Unregistered Commentermeg