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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > pregnancy memory book *warning:a pregnancy

Hello.

I was wondering if anyone has done a pregnancy/journal book for another pregnancy after losing a child? My husband wants me to create a pregnancy photo/journal book much like I had done for our first born. I ended up having to end his book with his funeral. I don't know how mentally I'm able to do it again. I can't just write about our excitement when I know it's a lie. It's fear that envelops this pregnancy. I guess I'm looking for what others have done. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can find on how your'e supposed to create/share memories of an unborn child when you have lost a living baby (yes, I googled that). Any info, advice would be greatly appreciated. Much love to you all!
February 8, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterG's mom
G’s mom, I completely understand your perspective on this, I share the same. I cannot even summon the excitement or energy to buy this babe a new outfit, let alone start writing about hopes and expectations that I don’t even feel. The naïveté has gone once you are baby lost. I wish I could create happy memories for them to look back on, but sadly the whole pregnancy experience is currently clouded in denial, detachment and anxiety.

Go gently on yourself and maybe take some belly photos; once you get further into your pregnancy you might find something to write about xo
February 12, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMeg
G's Mom, there's so many baby-related rituals and expectations that felt so other-wordly to me with my second pregnancy. Those mamas happily browsing pinterest for their gender-reveal cakes and pregnancy scrapbooking seem to belong on a different planet.

I wrote a lot in my journal, but it was definitely not the kind of thing I would seek to ever share with my daughter (or anyone else for that matter). There were so many complicated emotions around pregnancy milestones that I found it helpful to write them out in a place that I knew would never have to be shared. As I got closer to my due date, I became more able to do things like buy some clothes for my baby, set up her bassinet, etc. and feel a little bit hopeful that she might arrive safely, but it was definitely very different from the first time around. If you don't feel like creating a pregnancy book, I don't think that your child will mind in the slightest. Alternatively, maybe your husband could create the book if that feels right to him? I knitted a blanket for my baby, which felt like a tangible way for me to demonstrate that at some level I believed in her and was hopeful that she would arrive safely and I would be wrapping her up in it.
February 12, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterK West
I didn't keep a pregnancy journal or take many photos of my belly or do much of anything at all to mark and remember my pregnancy with my daughter, Anja, who was stillborn. I regretted it deeply after she died and I had so little of a tangible nature to show that she was here, that she existed, was mine. In my subsequent pregnancy, I tried to make sure I was making memories, but it wasn't joyful, or celebratory - or at least not always. It was wary record keeping, conscious keeping of a record *in case*. If the baby lived, I'd have the record of a stressful pregnancy that *I* lived through, too, and if the baby died, I'd have *something* to prove he'd been with me, to remember him by. This is what worked for me, and it might not work for everyone, but what I wanted to suggest is that it's ok to keep this kind of record of your pregnancy without feeling pressured to make it joyful, or celebratory, or even expectant....it will still be a record of your love for your baby even if it is sad, angry, or scared. Much love to you as you nagivate the incredibly stressful time of being pregnant again.
February 14, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterJLD
Thank you Meg, K West and JLD for your beautiful responses. I just really didn't know who to talk to about this. I appreciate your honestly. I will take in each of your responses as I navigate this scary journey. Thank you for your understanding. Much love to you all!
February 16, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterG's mom
Hi G's mom, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby and I send you all the best wishes for this pregnancy. This is the first time I read about a pregnancy book—what a beautiful idea—so I don't have advice on how to handle that. I had another thought when reading your post and the responses: Even if the journal is full of anxiety, that only shows the love you feel for your first child and the love you already feel for your second. I lost a baby to stillbirth and now have a living daughter and anxiety and love reside very closely together during pregnancy and now. We fear for our children, because we love them. That is probably true for all parents and especially for us who have lost children. Sending much love!
March 14, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom