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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > What did you change in subsequent pregnancies?

Hi everyone,

We have made the decision to ttc, four months after having our stillborn daughter. I went from being desperate to conceive again (but not being allowed to by the OBGYN) to now starting to try. I thought that would bring relief but instead I’m just terrified of whats to come if we do get pregnant.

I want to try and be as relaxed as possible but also be mindful that I need to be the healthiest I can be. I’ve given up my beloved coffee (cue intense detox symptoms!) but what else have people done differently in subsequent pregnancies? Did it help or do you think it was just a knee jerk reaction to previous loss?
August 15, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKelly
I have not had a chance to try again yet. I just experienced my loss 8/1/18. But i do plan to give up coffee.

If you dont mind me asking... why were you not allowed to ttc at first? Best wishes to you
August 16, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterSavannah Smile
It’sfrustrating really, the first 12 weeks were spent ‘on hold’ waiting for my daughters autopsy results and then my homocysteine levels were elevated so I’ve had to start medication to lower them before he will give us the ok to start again. I also feel like he is just drip feeding me information at each visit so that I can’t make plans. He’s very dismissive.

Do you have plans to start ttc? I am so sorry for your loss xx it’s awful xx
August 20, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKelly
Goodness I just re read the date of your baby’s birth, I’m in Australia so read it as January but do you mean August 1st? I’m sorry. I hope these early days are being kind to you xx
August 20, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKelly
Hi Kelly,

I'm so sorry about your daughter. We lost our 10 day old son in January and are just starting to ttc again. So far, I have been trying to change my diet and improve nutrition and up my fertility through diet. I've been eating a lot more greens, added a green superfoods powder, cut a lot of carbs, cut sugars and junk. I'm still doing coffee, but only decaf. In general, I'm trying to keep my diet really clean and eat foods that are supposed to be good for fertility, as well as doing most things organic. I do yoga regularly, plus walking and biking quite a bit.

I'm also looking into adding acupuncture, mainly to deal with stress and anxiety. I have a lot of anxiety around illnesses or medical issues generally, because we lost our son to a rare and unexpected medical issue, so I tend to think everything is a terminal illness now and go a bit over the top with that. I'm not on meds for that and am hoping to avoid that, hence the acupuncture, plus therapy and yoga. I'm also experiencing a lot of anxiety that I won't be able to get pregnant now. I have had 3 pregnancies (1 MC, 1 living daughter, and our son that we lost), and was able to get pregnant very easily every other time. But, I am so scared that this time I will have issues, not to mention the fear of all the unexpected during pregnancy!

So, I don't know if all of the changes I am making will work or will make a difference, but at least for now, I'm trying to do everything I can to assist with fertility and healthy pregnancy. It's definitely a very different world than my previous pregnancies-I feel like I was so naive and carefree compared to now. I hope this helps-I hate that we are both in this situation, but I'm thankful to have others to connect with to support each other as we ttc and try to navigate this new world.
August 20, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMJ
Hi Kelly,

Yes it was August 1st. Still super fresh. I loved her birthday to 8/1/18. So perfect in every way to me.

I know the 12 week hold SUCKS! I am only half way through it and losing my mind. I just tell myself 3 more weeks. Just trying to do things to occupy my time. Also, patiently waiting my period. Which is giving me EXTREME anxiety. I just pray everything in my body goes back to how it was... I get my period... and can get pregnant again.

Initially, after giving birth vaginally, the doctor told me 6months to wait. NO WAY i can wait that long. I hear that is the generic timeframe given for emotional healing too. But how do people know if 6 months is too much time or to little time for someone to heal "emotionally" everyone is different right?

Last night my husband told me after two months he is not pulling out and he wants a child (and I want the same) So I am guessing if all goes well. We will probably start trying around 3/4 months?

I have not given up coffee yet but I NEED to. I think when i actively start trying i will stick to the teas... and my green smoothies in the morning.

Did your OB tell you it was ok after four months?
August 21, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterSavannah Smile
That is a very special birth date, for sure. Magical date for your beautiful daughter xx

Yes I think those time frames are very arbitrary. Of course if anything medical needs sorting out I can see why people need to wait but if there is no cause for stillbirth then I don’t see why people need to dictate how long to wait. I have read that conceiving within three months means that you will have a similar due date and milestones as you previous child which could be triggering. So I’m not sure if that will be difficult for you? But I completely sympathise with your desire to ‘get the show on the road’! I’m the same.

My doctor said it’s still early you need time to grieve but I don’t think it’s his place to tell me how I need to feel. I’m going to be grieving forever so how is he to know when I’m enotionally ready to ttc again?

He hasn’t given me the all clear yet but I’m a midwife and have done some research myself so we’ve started anyway. My husband is equally frustrated and doesn’t like the doctor stalling things for us.

Let’s hope your period comes back soon. Mine was at exactly 6 weeks.

K xx
August 21, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKelly