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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > What is wrong with me?

My baby is here. He’s alive. He’s small but growing. He looks a little like his big brother in heaven. I should be happy. I should be thankful. I am but I am also sad. I’m trying to hold it together. I still miss my other son. I’m second guessing everything. I feel guilty because I don’t feel like I’m being a good mom to my two oldest children. I don’t like my newborns name sometimes. I’m second guessing everything. I’m anxious because my newborn was not as big for his birthweight as my older children. I have other anxieties and fears. Some are too stupid to even write. I know I need help. My husband has been great but I can’t tell him all these things that are wrong with me. I have my baby here so how can I feel this way? I love him so much. I feel sad and fat. It would be so nice to have someone to talk to but I’ve never been able to do that. Maybe I haven’t tried hard enough but I have to formula feed and I’m feeling guilty for that too. Im so glad that my new son is here but it’s hard to process that if my baby I lost one year ago was here then my new baby wouldn’t be. I’m afraid to take any medication because I know at my post pardem visit the doctor may suggest it. I don’t want to go through life in a haze. I think I just need to know I’m not alone.
July 1, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAnon
Oh my goodness Anon, I could have written this. My son is 2.5 but back then, I could have written this. Have you had your 6 week check up? If not please, please call your doc and tell her you’re feeling this way. It is NORMAL. There is nothing wrong with you. I sounds like you have some post partim depression and it’s getting all tangled up in grief and trauma. I ended up staying on the Zoloft I’d planned to stop because the PPD was so bad. The Zoloft didn’t leave me in a haze, it helped get through the day without feeling like every little thing was like climbing Everest. I’m not saying get on it—just that it helped me. I remember early on, feeding my son and bawling, I mean sitting there with a living feeding baby and bawling. At 2am. Bawling. Eventually, I figured out why: I was never going to be up with my daughter at 2am feeding her and the unfairness of it made me so sad. And the fact that my attempts at breastfeeding failed too—I felt so guilty. Looking back, I was too hard on myself on that point: the pressure to nurse is huge but my body couldn’t make enough...that didn’t help the PPs either. All this to say, what you’re feeling is normal. It gets easier but for me, whenever my son does something new, I do get that little twinge of missing my girl.
July 1, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAB