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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > June Pregnancy

Well I hope this finds everyone doing well.

As of yesterday the birth plan has changed for me. I noticed I was having low blood sugars at night and adjusted my insulin only to find the insulin drop to be needing almost 20 units less. I thus consulted my diabetic team whom advised me to get checked out. NST and ultrasound both checked out fine, telling the doctors that baby was doing well. All three criteria were checked off, fluid, breathing, heart-rate, and movement. The on-call obgyn advised that it was unlikely that I was going to make it to the scheduled date of June 19th. This was confirmed this afternoon when my attending obgyn called to bump up my scheduled NST from tomorrow at 3pm to 9am and has warned me that they may preform the c-section tomorrow.

My anxiety is kicking up as I am still 3-4 days shy of 36 weeks, meaning this baby could be born during the 35th week and I know that many if not almost all babys born at this age are fine it still makes me nervous. Baby has been overactive the last week and is still quite active which does help my anxiety and nerves but just because she is active doesn't mean that all is well.

The warnings have been told to me twice in two days that if there is decreased movement or I feel anything off to go and get checked out. I don't know if they realize how much that makes me worry. I was not oblivious when I went in yesterday that my trip and insulin changes meant that I would be delivering sooner but as tomorrows apt got changed and I was advised about prepping a hospital bag my nerves are getting frayed.
June 6, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Oh Tsukia, how stressful! I’m sorry. I hope that they can keep baby in as long as it’s safe and I hear the worries about prematurity. It’s stressful. Sending you lots of courage.
June 6, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Tsukia, that sounds really stressful! But remember: babies have an excellent chance of thriving if born at this time, and there is almost no risk if they are born healthy. Sometimes some difficulty breathing, but doctors know how to help with that nowadays. And your baby is big, which also helps. Of course it would have been better for her to stay inside a little longer, but at this point it looks like it's better if she's out and cared for in a hospital.

I might as well be telling all this to myself. I'm 35+3, had some light but persistent contractions two days in a row... then a big bleed yesterday. I totally freaked out, especially since I've been having some odd pains here and there that I couldn't quite place. Long story short it was just haemorrhoids, and now I know why I've been feeling different, so hopefully I can become sane again for a bit. But my heart was racing so much that they kept me for quite a while until they became convinced I can safely go home. I probably went through a very similar mental and emotional turmoil as you are now. I wish things weren't complicated for you at this moment. Please let us know how it went once you find the chance.
June 7, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Thinking of you, Tsukia, and you too, Ana. My thoughts are with you both for safe deliveries and healthy babies in the coming weeks/days!!
June 8, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterM's mama
Hey all.

I’m on the super stress train as well. Things look okay with our guy and still planning for 37 (I’m 34+2 now) but I find myself barely sleeping and absolutely freaking out over movement. It’s going to be a long 3 weeks.

Tsukia and Ana, thinking of you gals and those sweet babes! Keep us posted.
June 8, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAM
Hi all.
Thank you for all your thoughts and support.
So the obgyn did decide to pull my little girl even though we were only 35 weeks. She was born 1407 yesterday weighing 7lbs 12oz. She had to be on a c pep for a couple hours and is still on an iv but overall seems to be doing good. As long as she is in the nicu I will be fretting and worrying over my sweet Madeline Gloria but so far so good.

Although based off what the obgyn said while in the or this will be the last time I join you all on this thread.
June 8, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Oh Tsukia, thank you for this update! Welcome sweet Madeline Gloria. What a wonderful name. I hope she will be out of the NUCU very soon and that you’ll both get to go home. Sending you lots of love and health.
June 8, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAB
So, so wonderful to hear! Welcome Madeline! Thinking of you and sending lots of good vibes to get her home quickly.
June 8, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAM
Congratulations, Tsukia! It's so nice to see people graduating out of this topic. I hope the NICU stay is brief and uneventful, and see you on the post-pregnancy topic :)
June 9, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Congratulations Tsukia and welcome to Madeline (I love that name)!
June 10, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterSR
Congrats Tsukia and welcome Madeline, love the name.
June 10, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterJ
Congratulations Tsukia and welcome to the world Madeline
June 10, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKE
Congratulations Tsukia! I hope all is well with you and the beautifully named Madeline Gloria xo
June 12, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterG
I hope you are all still doing well. I have been pretty quiet on this thread but I'm 27+5 now. Last year, my boy died at 40+5 in the early stages of labor - kicking in the morning with early contractions, but was gone by early afternoon when contractions were close enough together to go to the hospital. He was slightly SGA and my placenta was really small, but the doctors haven't gone as far as IUGR so they treat it as unexplained for some reason. In retrospect, I had probably noticed some reduced movement though I didn't know it at the time. This time, my anxiety has generally been good up until now - I've been able to stay calm and not worry too much. But I'm finding that as I enter the third trimester, my anxiety is just ramping up exponentially. I feel like I know all the horror stories now and it's hard not to worry about every ache and pain - in part I think this is because so often the answer from medical staff is "just listen to your body" ... and I had no idea last time! It's hard for me to trust my instincts about what's wrong or not wrong and I hate that it's all on me. In addition, the plan has always been to induce labor at 39 weeks so that I would be in the hospital the entire time - but now I can't get all the stories of induction going wrong out of my head. I'm trying very hard to stay focused on just taking one day at a time, but it's getting so much harder. Anyone else feel like this?
June 21, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterSR
SR, I also had anxiety ramp up early in the third trimester. I think the longer we stay pregnant, the more real these babies become, and the fear just increases. Not to mention that the pregnancy forces us to re-live, in real time, the previous experience.

I am near the end of my journey. 37+5, every so often I get weak contractions that stop after a while (they tell me this is very common with a third baby), she has descended as far as she can go and I'm about as graceful as a stranded whale. In case she doesn't make an appearance soon, I have an induction scheduled for 40 weeks exactly. 16 days from now. I wouldn't mind if it happened sooner.

It's very odd to know that I might have a normal, natural, uneventful birth this time, after all the crap I've been through. First kid had IUGR (but is healthy), and his birth never really picked up so I had to be induced. Second kid had a heart condition and was induced earlier so that I might get the chance to meet her before she dies. Those were some painful contractions! She got stuck in the birth canal and while they were frantically trying to get her out, rushing around me like in a resuscitation scene on tv and eventually cutting me without warning and pushing her out physically by pressing on my belly - she died. Then there were the three miscarriages, across them I've tried all the options to handle the expulsion process. And now, it looks like my body is almost ready, like the baby is almost ready, like it might go smoothly despite all my fears. C'mon baby.
June 23, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Thank you all for the congratulations.
After a week and a half we talked the pediatrician to let us take Madeline home even with an NG tube. She has been home about a week now and is doing well. She pulled out the tube on Thursday but she has been taking enough orally and is gaining weight so the doctors aren't worried about putting it back in .
I am still fretting over her as I worry that the doctors are going to come up with something. Maybe it is the sleep deprivation as there have been at least 2 nights where miss Maddy hasn't let mommy get a proper nights sleep. Last night we were up every 2 hours for feeds, I am not sure if it was cluster feeding or a growth spurt or a combination on both.

SR - I am wish I could help take away the anxiety but honestly after 2 healthy pregnancies I still have my anxieties.

Ana - I can't imagine the pain that you have been through these past few years with all that. I will keep you in my thoughts as you wait for that little bundle to arrive in 16 days.
June 26, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Hello all,

(TW: living child mentioned)

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. I lost my daughter in Dec 2013 at nearly 38 weeks due to unexplained IUGR (after 3 miscarriages), then delivered a healthy baby boy in Feb of 2015. Now I’m 18 weeks pregnant with a girl, and starting to panic a bit. I felt movement early with all my pregnancies, and I felt this one start to move a lot at around 16 weeks, but the past few days I only feel the occasional flutter. I know it’s so early, and that not feeling every movement is normal at this stage, but I can’t help but freak out that the baby has died or is dying. It’s too early to save her if that’s the case, so I am just trying to be calm, but each day that passes without feeling much, my fear mounts. Meanwhile, I have been feeling terrible with ongoing nausea, pelvic pain, round ligament pain, etc., and overall this pregnancy has just been soooo hard. I am exhausted from chasing my 3 year old around, I’m stressed about money, I haven’t been able to keep a prenatal vitamin down nearly the entire pregnancy, and I feel constantly dehydrated. Overall I know I should be taking better care of myself, but it’s been a challenge, and I feel extremely guilty about that.

Anyway, it feels good to write all that down, as they are feelings I’ve been keeping entirely to myself. I know I somehow got through my pregnancy with my son while in the throes of deep grief, but it is a blur. This pregnancy feels so hard and the idea of losing another baby is terrifying.

I think for many of my friends and family, the birth of my son meant that I didn’t have to struggle with pregnancy loss anymore. But I still feel like I’m cursed in some way, and like trying to have another is asking too much.

Thank you all for listening! Big hugs to all of you.
June 30, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAnna
Hello all. Just checking in and announcing that our sweet rainbow, Silas, has arrived and he’s just lovely. We have had a week together and absolutely love him so much!

SR- just wanted to say, I totally had my anxiety increase with the days. Everyone kept saying, “you’re so close, yay” but to me the worries just kept adding... I didn’t trust my body at all, not after losing my daughter. Try to keep your head down and get through one day at a time... the days go slow but the weeks go fast!

Ana- I can’t wait to hear of your rainbows arrival. Positive vibes that you get the amazing labor you deserve.

Anna- welcome back but I’m so sorry you are having a hard pregnancy- it’s not fair. Try not to pressure yourself, just survive each day my friend. I also felt “cursed” and agree that people don’t seem to understand having another pregnancy/child only increases the anxiety not the opposite. Hoping things get easier for you.

Tsukia- hope that sweet baby girl is transitioning well!
July 5, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAM
Well done, AM! I'm so glad to hear it all went well.

Looks like I'll be the last of my cohort to be graduating ;) I have an induction on Monday (in 4 days) in case it doesn't happen naturally. Having a membrane sweep today. I hope it happens without the induction, but if the growth scan projections are right, she'll be about 4 kg by now, and I definitely don't want her getting any bigger inside me...
July 5, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
So wonderful, Ana! I’ll be sending good vibes your way this weekend and waiting on an update!!!
July 7, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAM