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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > May Pregnancy Thread

Greetings all;
Welcome back those that are continuing your pregnancy journeys and Hoping that all the bundles that have been born this past month are doing well in their parent's arms.
I am down to 7 weeks left with a scheduled c-section on June 19th. My diabetic team have some concerns due to my weight gain and blood pressure but overall I am doing well. The swelling is getting to be almost nightly and this past week there have been a couple days that I lost to the naps. But at almost 31 weeks some of this is expected. The temperature is also on the rise as summer is finally starting to show it's head in BC. Bi-weekly ultrasounds scheduled as well as bi-weekly gyno apts. Stress tests are to start at 34 weeks.Had to invest in more maternity clothes as my jeans are a little too warm and the maternity shorts are a little too snug and roll down.

KE- had her baby boy George arriving a little early but last posted is doing well. I am looking forward for more updates to come.
K West - I hope you and baby Adeline are doing well and I hope you drop by with another update.

Ana and AM I look forward to hearing more from you as we wait for our precious bundles to arrive..
May 2, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Hi all. So happy another month has come and gone- such a sad thing to wish my life away but pregnancy after loss is fickle and exhausting.
Tsukia- 7 weeks!!! That’s wonderful. Happy that you are getting the extra testing the last few weeks as well, I will be doing the same and hoping it relieves some anxiety. Can’t wait to hear from the rest of you and have updates!

I’m currently 29.5, still planning to induce at 37 if little man grows big and strong. I’ve been having some moments of joy/excitement which is nice but it quickly translates to terror. I suppose this is just another element of the complicated grief. Our daughter’s first birthday is coming up and I already feel panicked about it... milestones are just so difficult. Does anyone have sweet ideas to remember and honor her? I get overwhelmed, it’s so much pressure.

Love to all.
May 3, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAM
Hello in there. I know you are all much further along than I am with your pregnancies and some births. I wanted to say hello anyway, I’m 6.5 weeks into this pregnancy.

My daughter, Marigold, we born at 37 weeks gestation via emergency c-section on November 22, 2017. I fell, hanging Christmas decorations at work. After, I noticed little movement. She was in shock, and died soon after she was born. It’s still so fresh to me, and I never tell people what happened, because, as you know, almost no one asks. The autopsy revealed nothing - she seemed perfect. We don’t know if the fall or some other something hurt her. That’s very hard. The unexplained.

I’m keeping really busy with work, so not having much time to think. I feel that’s good for me for now. I own and manage a busy cafe. Throughout my pregnancy with Marigold people in my life often said I was working too hard. It’s hard to feel I’m doing anything right; I don’t know what went wrong.

I’m grateful for this site. It’s been a source of comfort for me over last months.

I’m hiding the pregnancy from most people in my life, except inner circle for now. I’ve only just started to resume “normal” life stuff. I’ve been wanting to be shielded from what people might say.

That’s all. Just wanted to say hi.
May 4, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Hi ladies glad to hear your pregnancies are going smoothly. Im newly pregnant since we lost our beautiful baby girl 15 months ago, having alot of mixed emotions but I guess thats to be expected. Sending you all peace.
May 6, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterJ
AM- Glad to hear things are going well for you. Time is such a funny thing as much as we wish it to pass us by after a loss, we end up missing it once it is gone.

Gentle welcomes to Michelle and J. I am sorry for both your recent losses and hope that your rainbows arrive filled with joy and light
Michelle be gentle with your self and try not to work to hard.

As for me I tend to yo-yo. The grief even after almost 6 years still comes in waves and then the added grief of loosing my grandma this past November and dealing with the on going concerns with my grandpa I sometimes wonder if I will make it through. This little bean is moving like crazy though and despite the health concerns from my diabetic team seems to be doing well.
May 6, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Hello everyone,

Even since I lost my baby Tilly in September 2016 I would dream of writing on this forum, and now here I am 9 weeks pregnant.
If you've read my old posts, you'll see that I tried Clomid for 5 months before my partner and I ventured into IVF. We had our consultation and were told to get some testing done, so we did and low and behold I had a blocked tube that they unblocked with saline and f*ck me swinging it actually worked. (Don't mind the language I'm a bit of a bogan)

Anyway here I am, I have been avoiding posting because I know how much it hurts to read that other loss mums are pregnant, even though they have lost a little one. I guess I'm in denial as well. Last week I had implantation bleeding and lost my mind thinking I was miscarrying. My first thought was 'that'd be right, I knew this was too good to be true', there is a baby there though, and s/he is making me as sick as Tilly did!

I'm finishing work early, at 26 weeks, if I make it that far, and going to chill and make this pregnancy a very different experience, try to anyway. I've already decided I want a c section at 38 weeks too. I just can't go any further. At least this time I'll be able to see and hear my baby be born.

The anxiety and fear is crippling, debilitating even and just adds to the morning sickness. Anyway, here I am, due in November. I never thought I would really get this chance again and I'm so scared to be great full, as I was so great full last time, and hopeful.

Thanks for reading, best wishes everyone. X
May 7, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterElla
Hi everyone, thank you for setting up this thread Tsukia, I’m very grateful to have a place to share and connect as despite my immense gratitude to have conceived again it also feels like an incredibly anxious and lonely journey at times.

I’m 7 weeks into my second pregnancy after loosing our baby daughter Margot in July 2017 following a complete placental abruption during my labour at 40+1. She was with us in the NICU for two days after she was born by emergency c-section, but her oxygen supply was compromised to such an extent during the delivery that we had no choice but to let her go. We also have no cause or explanation for why this happened after an otherwise textbook pregnancy, so I really understand those feelings Michelle.

Before conceiving I felt like I would want to share my news early this time (particularly given the irrelevant nature of the post 12 week ‘safe zone’ for us) but now I’m here I feel like I want to just isolate and keep the news to myself. I don’t want to hear people’s well meaning congratulations and ‘it will be ok this time’ platitudes combined the relief that they perhaps won’t have to be confronted with our grief anymore. I’m so scared that I won’t be take this baby home either and I don’t think can cope with the pain of another loss even at this early stage.

It feels like I have had to dissociate from some of my outward grief for Margot as a form of self preservation which has also bringing up a lot of guilt as I still so desperately miss her. Thinking of you and hoping with all my heart that things this time will have a happier ending for all of us.
May 7, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterSophie
Hi everyone. Congratulations to you all. I am happy to see familiar names in this thread.
I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and terrified. It's my second pregnancy since my son was stillborn in 2016. I have been avoiding posting because I was scared of miscarrying. My next doctor's appointment is 2 weeks away and I am already anxious, hoping to hear a heartbeat at my next appointment. I did have some great ultrasounds at 6, 7, and 8 weeks. (I saw an RE for a short time due to my husband's low sperm count, and so she wanted to confirm pregnancy early to "graduate" me to my high risk OB).

Anyway, wishing everyone here good vibes, and hope we can all stay relaxed and excited for these little ones...and hopeful of what is yet to come.
May 9, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterNada
Hi Nada,

I just had a little squeal for you when I read your post, gentle congratulations. Your articles really help me as with all the articles posted here, it's as if they as posted just at the right time for me sanity.

Anyway I'm glad I know one person that has the same timeline, as no one really understands in real life. X
May 10, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterElla
Hi Ella, I was happy to see you posting here, too! I have been lurking the pregnancy after loss section for awhile. You actually gave me the courage to post here. I'm glad my articles help. :) And that we are on the same timeline. It's comforting to me, too. Most people in the real world definitely do NOT understand what we are going through right now. They expect us to just be overjoyed all the time with no fear of another stillbirth, as if our first children's pregnancies had never occurred.

I am so happy that the saline helped you. I too went to an RE. I had a blocked tube (that couldn't be fixed unfortunately) and my husband had a low count. He did a procedure in January and I found myself pregnant by March. He likes to believe that the procedure didn't have a big effect, but I really think it did. So yay for REs and their helpful interventions!

How are you coping lately? I know you said you are in denial...I feel that way, too. Sometimes it's really difficult to accept that I'm pregnant right now. I Tend to forget and I am wary of being overexcited. I hope this will fade away later on in our pregnancies, but I'm not sure that it will. It's like we have a guard up now. I am hoping to get induced around 38 weeks too, but I am going to have to fight for a c-section. Pretty sure my MFM wants me to go through regular labor...which is fine, I never had a problem with it, but I am nervous about putting stress on this baby. Fingers crossed that everyone makes it that far and we get to hold our rainbows.
May 11, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterNada
Greetings to all!

I'm almost 32 weeks. Due another growth scan next week. Feeling oddly at peace still. Some discomforts are starting to kick in - a bit of stomach acid here, a bit of feeling tired there. Less coffee, more constipation. Waking up to pee too often. The usual. Just had a regular bloods check and all was well. Lots and lots of kicks every day and night. Starting to think about getting baby stuff down from the attic.

Tsukia, thanks for opening the topic for this month. It sounds like they're taking good care of you.

AM, it's starting to feel real, isn't it? How are you feeling about the countdown?

Sophie, Nada, Ella, Michelle, J - welcome, it's so nice to see you here! The first trimester was especially nerve-wracking for me. I hope you can offload some of that stress here. Nada, I realized from your front page post that you are pregnant again, but it was subtle and I didn't want to make a comment that's too explicit. I'm glad we're sharing some part of this journey :)

KE, if you're reading this, do let us know how George is doing! I bet it's scary when they arrive early, and you are certainly still processing Eleanor's inquest.
May 11, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Sophie, Nada, Ella, Michelle, J - Gentle Welcome! I think the first trimester is always the hardest, Hope to see all of you at the end of the Rainbow.

Ana - Your welcome. I find these particular threads so helpful. The understanding and empathy that you find.

Not much has changed since my last post but this week is booked full. I have a counselling apt, diabetic apt, gyno, and ultrasound.
May 11, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Hi everyone,

Thank you for your support, it's so nice to be able to come here and feel understood.

I'm glad you take comfort in me as well Nada. In terms of coping lately, I decided last week that I needed two weeks off work as I have been so sick and stressed. So I've got this week and next week off which has helped considerably with my anxiety as I know if I'm sick I don't have any pressure however without the distraction of work my mind has been going to some dark places. Yesterday I had what felt like stretching pain all day and then nothing today. I fear everything like if I'm not feeling as sick. It's so hard! I've also been sleeping a lot - partly to do with the fears I think. My 12 week scan will be on the 28th so we will see what that brings.

I hope that the obstetrician listens to you in terms of what you want to do. It's so hard because even though you have had a baby naturally before you know all too well how many things can go wrong during delivery. I have a fear of going into labour and my previous scar rupturing. It's all so scary now. I find myself reliving the trauma of everything in my head so hopefully I can try some mindfulness and be present.

Does anyone had any advice about finding out the gender? We didn't find out until they basically told us at 35 weeks 'this little girl is very sick'. I feel like I would like to know asap but my partner doesn't want to.

Thanks everyone, this site is so amazing. X
May 15, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterElla
Another ultrasound, another confirmation that we've got a plump baby in there. Over 2kg now, with every chance of thriving even if she was born right now. I've got another heart scan in a couple of weeks, and one more growth scan in four weeks. And then the final four weeks my obstetrician left uncharted, because she wanted to adapt to my needs as they come. But she suddenly had to take leave for personal reasons, and I have no idea how things will look from this point on! Feeling suddenly unmoored. Then again, my midwife is amazing too, so I will transfer some of my talking needs back to her. Still, I wish everything could be perfectly smooth for once...

Ella, gender is such a loaded topic. I really wanted the same gender, to experience raising a daughter. Then I got my wish and became all sad that being my daughter will no longer be unique to my little girl who died. We recently talked a bit about it here:
May 16, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Hi all,

I just thought I'd update - George has been on NICU for one month and we made it home last night. It is lovely to be home and for him to have made it home with us. George is doing well but is still only just over 2kg and has a lot of fattening up to do.
I did not believe we would make it home until we stepped out of the car yesterday afternoon. I had totally prepared myself for disaster. About a week before he was born I bought one baby grow so that he would have a new outfit if anything happened. That was the only thing I bought or intended to buy before he was born.
I have spent many of my 4am feeds crying over him - in relief but also in desperate sadness for what should have been with Eleanor.

I am so glad to see a number of new women on this thread. Ella, Sophie, Nada, J,Michelle - gentle congratulations and sending good vibes for a peaceful and uneventful pregnancy for each of you.
Ana, Tsukia and AM I feel I've really been on this journey with you being on what should have been similar time lines! I hope that the rest of your pregnancies go smoothly and that you all continue to be well looked after by your medical teams.
I look forward to reading about all the new babies being born.
May 18, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKE
KE - I am happy that you and George are home safe and sound. I opened up a new thread so that we can post about how our babies are doing once they are in our arms.

Ana - I am glad that your scans are looking good.

I had a good gyno apt on Wed and a good ultrasound today. Baby's heartrate is 160, she is head down and all is looking good. I am even producing enough milk/colostrum to start storing.
May 18, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
KE- so so happy you are home with sweet George!

Ana and Tsukia- happy the days are going by and the scans are all looking well... I hope we can all look back at these posts soon with grinning, happy babes in our arms.

Nada- it’s really great seeing you here! I love reading your articles- I always feel like I’ve put the words on the screen myself.

Hoping for an uneventful week for us all.
May 20, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAM
KE, thank you for the update. I've been thinking about you and George non-stop since he arrived. I'm a bit different from most loss moms in that I don't get triggered when I see pregnant women, but boy do I get tense when it comes to someone going in to give birth! The last thing any of us needs right now is an extra fragile baby... I've been googling - and google said babies born at his gestational age have every chance of thriving - but still, it's such a relief to hear you made it home together. There are probably many more tears to come in all this psychological complexity, but such is our path now. We'll be here if you need to talk.
May 21, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Hello everyone,

It has been a long time since I posted here, and I am so pleased to read all your lovely updates. KE - congratulations on George! What a ride it must have been for you these past months.

I just wanted to let you all know that our baby girls C and P arrived nearly three weeks ago and are doing well. I made it through to 36 weeks, albeit after finishing work at 30 weeks with a few weeks off before that to cope with stress after a few scares about reduced movements. The girls spent a bit of time in special care for a few days after their birth, and although scary, it was a completely different experience to our time in the NICU with Jonah. Like you KE, I never really believed that we would be bringing them both home, so it's been a big adjustment having them here.

Best of luck to all you mamas.

xox G
May 22, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterG
Hello ladies,

I'm new here but sadly share similar experience. My daughter Maria passed away on the 14.10.16 at 35 weeks due to placental abruption and severe pre-eclampsia, very unexpectedly, it was shocking as I did not have any symptoms at all until it was too late:( I'm now 18 weeks pregnant and very anxious at times. It's reassuring that you too feel that way sometimes and I'm not the only one, as the experiance of pregnancy after baby loss can be quite alienating.
I have my 20 weeks' scan in a couple of weeks and then other scans every 4 weeks. I do hope that this time the doctors can pick up any potential problems at an early stage and help with that, although I so want everything to go well!
I wish you all best of luck with your pregnancies:)

May 22, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTom
G - I am glad your girls arrived safely and are home and doing well.

Tom - Gentle welcome. I am sorry to hear about your sweet Maria but am glad you could join us with this new bundle. I hope your scan goes well and that your doctors are watching you more carefully this time . Glow is good for finding people who can relate and understand the after effects of loss and how they affect future pregnancies. I am 5 years out and have a healthy rainbow but am still finding comfort by coming here to glow to get me through this pregnancy.

I am now 34 weeks and had my first nst yesterday. Apart from my little girl not liking it the scan went well. She kept moving away so they couldn't get her heartrate, then she decided to play with the sensor-thingy lol. So next week is counselling, diabetes clinic, obgyn, nst #2 and ultrasound #6. I am now on weekly ultrasounds and nsts until my c-section on June 19th. If i make it that far as I am having really bad swelling and can barely be up and about for more than 1-2 hours. Hopefully she stays in till the date as that puts her at 37w and i don't like the idea of her coming much earlier than that. A was born at 36w and even that made me nervous.

Hope everyone else is doing well.
May 25, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia