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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > April Pregnancy Thread

Well here we are Easter long weekend and the start of a new month. I am 26 weeks and this little bean is starting to move in ways that other people can feel her move. My stress level is still on the higher side with everything going on with my grandpa but my blood pressure seems to be coming down to a normal level. The biggest issue I am currently dealing with is the way the little bean is sitting causing my hips to be very sore to the point where I am having issues getting in and out of bed not due to size of belly but the pain in my hips.

I hope all of you are enjoying a nice Easter as we continue on the journey to bringing these little beans into the world.
March 31, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Hi Tsukia, I am glad that your little bean is moving around and making their presence felt. It does give a lot of reassurance although I now find that if there is quiet half an hour I am just worrying something is wrong! It also helps to start bonding with this little one which I am often struggling with, which is such a shame as I do feel it is so unfair to him.
I am 30 weeks now so although it feels incredibly slow time is marching on. I have a section scheduled for 9 weeks on Tuesday so hopefully everything will be ok until then.
I am sorry your hips are so sore and hopefully it will improve soon.

I hope everyone else is doing OK

April 1, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKE
Hi all. Currently 24 weeks here- still chugging along. My anxiety creeps up with each passing moment... I’ve been waking up multiple times throughout the night to make him move. Idk what else to do. Hopefully inducing at 37 weeks so just hoping we make it that far and he continues to grow strong and healthy. I have the hip stuff too! And also the worries that I’m not bonding enough... and also that when i have my intense sad moments over my daughters absence, it will somehow rub off on him? Not sure of the logic or science behind that but let’s be honest, being rational isn’t the front runner in my life right now. Wishing you all a week of peace and moments of joy.
April 2, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAM
congratulations ladies on your pregnancies.
I had my rainbow in sept. and the anxiety is oh so true and unfair. I would keep applejuice at my bedside to get him moving in the middle of the night.

knowing your date for delivery is what kept my sanity. the night before was the longest night of my life! mark the days off on the calender I foudn that helped. each morning strike yesterday off, and know that you got through the day and can make it through today!

you can do this mamas, it is a hard real and unfair ride. But you are not alone, there is always someone listening
April 2, 2018 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
KE - I am happy to hear that you are still trekking along with us. It must be nice that you have a section date. I hope the bonding starts to come a little easier but that being said I could see how it would be hard until you hold that bundle of joy after what we here at glow have gone through.

AM- Everything you are going through is understandable and we here at glow have a unique perspective.

The anxiety and sadness comes to me in waves as I don't just mourn my first born and long for her to be here playing with her sister and watching her get excited about the new little bean. I also mourn my grandmother and the fact that she isn't here to help me through this and help me prepare and get excited about the impending birth.
I don't have a date yet but my gyno has said she is thinking of doing a section around 37 weeks and that in a week or two I should have my next ultrasound, the last one was at 20 weeks.
This past week I am finding that I have no energy and feeling very lethargic, I don't know why. But bean is being very active so I can only hope that her activity is why I have no energy.
April 5, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Hello Ladies,

I lost my daughter on the 8th of February, 2018. she was 38weeks old. I had just one to my doctor for a regular ante-natal check up and was told there was no heart beat. It was the darkest moment of my life.
It felt like my life stopped. How will I explain to people? How do I explain to my three year old daughter? I was heart broken and helpless. I was immediately scheduled to be induced and 18hours later, I gave birth to my sleeping Angel. So hurtful.
Till date, I'm still trying to get over it. And also trying t conceive as I desperately need that baby smell around me.
No one can replace her but I just feel empty without her.
Please ladies encourage me. Is it to early TTC?
Love you all
April 11, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterFJ
FJ I am sorry for your loss unfortunately I have no advice for you besides be gentle with yourself, don't rush yourself, and talk to your doctor about any concerns they may have.

I am struggling this month as TODAY was my grandma's first birthday in heaven with my sweet J. I am also feeling slightly guilty because I am not able to enjoy the pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I want this baby bean and I will love her to pieces I just wish that my Grandma and her oldest sister were here to go through this with me. 27 weeks and counting.

Hope the rest of you are having a more nicer month.
April 12, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
FJ - I am so sorry for the loss of your baby daughter. I lost my daughter nearly 17 months ago when she suffered damage during the birth. It is the most dreadful thing to have to go through.
As part of the attempt to deliver her I had a caesarian section and when I spoke to my doctor afterwards he recommended a 10 month wait - this was mainly due to the caesarian however. At the time this felt like a form of torture but it has given my body the chance to recover a little and possibly also my mind. Look after yourself and take some advice from your doctor. We are all thinking of you.

Tsukia - it is such a shame not to be able to enjoy pregnancy - the first time I really enjoyed being pregnant and was genuinely excited. My husband and I had been trying for 10 years and so it was wonderful. I went to classes, did lots of exercise but this time I don't want to go back to any of these things and I can't face large groups of happy pregnant people. So I carry on at work and try and cope quietly at home.
I am sorry your grandmother isn't here to give the support that you obviously got from her before and am also sorry that J isn't with you getting excited about the new baby!

The inquest into Eleanor's death starts on Monday and goes on until the following monday. All the doctors and most of the midwives will be called. Hearing them talk about what happened and what went wrong is going to be very difficult and emotional. I am not sure how easily I will cope.

I hope everyone is keeping well and plodding along on this journey
April 13, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKE
KE - It is so different going through all this after loss and it is difficult when most people don't understand (not that I wish what any of us have gone through on anyone). Yes my grandma was my rock and I am struggling without her support both mentally, emotionally and financially. I have several people that aren't exactly happy with my slight hording stuff that was J's and now as we are going through grandma's stuff. I hate being around other pregnant people to be honest just because of the naive and innocence that they have about how life is supposed to go, they aren't jaded like us at glow.
Glow is my saving grace though you all are what help me keep my sanity because I know I can come her and talk to people that know what I am going through and can relate to the irrational fears, emotions and paranoia that I go through.

All I can say KE is be gentle with yourself this week. I am sure it will be hard and emotional but you are a strong and amazing woman whom has survived one of the worst things any parent can go through. Thinking of you and Eleanor while sending you prayers and strength.
April 13, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Hi everyone,

I thought I'd check in. It's been an easy month in terms of stress and anxiety, with some nice family holidays and travelling and swimming and being pampered. I'm 28 weeks today, and starting to slowly worry about giving birth. They want to let me give birth whenever the time comes naturally, I'm worried about placental insufficiency (I'm 39), and I'm balancing between desperately wanting to believe it will all go well and being insanely worried that it won't. Sigh...

Other than that, the belly is dancing around all the time. My seven-year-old got a kicked the other day. I have a scan on Friday and am looking forward to seeing her on the screen. I tire very easily, but thankfully I'm not too nauseous or acid-refluxy for the moment, and I can still sleep comfortably. People are commenting on my pregnancy all the time, and handing us down their baby stuff. It's getting real!
April 16, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Ana - I am glad you are having a good month. That must have been neat for your 7 year old and also make it more real to them. I hope your scan goes well on Friday.

I have been going up and down this month but A seems to be getting excited about her impending little sisters arrival. She keeps saying if something doesn't fit her "For my baby sister?" it is really cute. I have a scan coming up tomorrow and they will give me the dates and times for the rest of my scans as a high risk it will be every 2 weeks for a while and then every week till the end. Baby girl is active so that is good. I still find my grief creeping in as the closer I get the more I wish I could be sharing the experience with my grandma and J.
I also had a tooth break Saturday night so heading to the dentist today to see about getting that fixed or pulled.

Hope the rest of you are doing well
April 16, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
Ana, I don’t know your history but my MFM would not let me go past 38 weeks, let alone more when I was expecting my rainbow son (I was 36, my daughter died because of a concealed, complete abruption). There’s good new research out there that shows this is just bad practice (the 39 week rule I mean) : All this to say, waiting would have made me very anxious too and the doctors also weighed that in scheduling a csection at 37 weeks on the dot (38 weeks was a major holiday, they weren’t scheduling anything at my hospital that day!). Sending you a hug!
April 16, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Thanks, AB. I've been reading literature on this all day today... I'm not a doctor but am in a biomedical field and can get through the jargon with some effort, so have been looking at original studies.

I was a bit surprised that my obstetrician - who I think is terrific - was not suggesting early induction. She is open to the possibility if I get too anxious, but is clear that this would be for my peace of mind and not for medical reasons. But from what I've read today, there really seems to be no good evidence that things get worse and worse towards the end - unless you go way overdue. I mean there are peaks and troughs in the graphs, but for my age bracket I didn't see an increase from 37 to 38 to 39 etc weeks (but the risk at any gestational age is greater than for younger mothers). On the other hand, induction does come with some known (often minor) risks. I also found that practice varies quite a lot when it comes to birth at an advanced maternal age, but that this is more policy-based than evidence-based.

My history... I did have a blood clot in the placenta when pregnant with my son. It caused him to be a very thin baby, but no problems other than that. I have been tested for blood clotting disorders and am free of them, but have been put on low dose aspirin just in case. I also have 3 extra growth scans where the blood flow through the placenta will be assessed. So the placenta thing is being taken seriously. My little girl who was stillborn died from heart failure, which was eventually linked to a mutation in a very unlucky place. Her birth was in fact induced and her heart stopped during delivery - and the heart slowing down is one of the known risks of induction. So 'it's complicated' when it comes to making this particular decision...

Tsukia, how old is A? My son won't stop talking about his baby sister! Although he occasionally reminds me that it's not completely certain she will live, which just about breaks my heart all over again.
April 16, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Hi all, I hope you have all had a good and uneventful week.

I have to say that my week has not been uneventful!
Last Monday saw the start of a 5 day inquest into Eleanor's death. The first three days where difficult and at times really distressing. Listening to what happened in her delivery and in her neonatal care was very upsetting.
Last Wednesday night I woke up rolled over and my waters broke.
I went to the local hospital - where Eleanor was born and not where I had planned to delver this time. They confirmed that my waters had broken and checked on the baby. In the morning multiple discussions as to the best plan where had. These all involved the same clinicians that had been at the inquest the day before so was very odd. Any way the decision was made to transfer me to the larger hospital about 25 miles away. Assuming this baby was to be born early (I was 32 +3) they have a higher level NICU.
The decision was made to try bed rest and wait for as long as possible. With the aim of getting to 34 weeks if possible . However I went into labour in the early hours of Friday night and had an emergency C section a few hours later. It was all rather chaotic and for a time in theatre they couldn't find the baby's heart beat properly.
Any way, Eleanor's little brother was born on Saturday. He is in NICU and will be for some weeks. However he is doing well at the moment.
It is all rather stressful and the outcome as ever is unknown. I just hope that he makes it home with us.

I wish for less drama for the rest of you!
April 25, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKE
KE - I am so sorry that your week has been filled with so much drama and emotion. I am happy to hear your little boy has arrived and is doing well. Hopefully you can get some good rest and feel a little more at ease in the coming weeks. Please keep us posted on how you both are doing.
As for me... had an ultrasound which is normal for me they normally do several in the third trimester. Baby girl is big she is in the 95th percentile but healthy, lots of movement and bom around 150. I have been dealing with pimples from head to toe and have been tired to the point of needing naps or rest periods almost every afternoon. I tripped yesterday and now have scabs on both knees. Tentative c-section scheduled June 19th I should be just past 37 weeks at that point.
Been a little emotional this week as I have been sorting and going through the baby stuff... some of which was J's and reminds me of her and makes me wish even more she was here with me and that my grandma was here to help me deal with all these emotions.
April 25, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
My goodness KE, I can't believe you have to go through that after everything! Do they have any idea why your waters broke?

Do keep us posted on your son. What is his name? How much does he weigh? And please let us know how you are doing, whenever you find the time.

Would you like to talk about what you found out at the inquest?

As for myself, I'm 29 weeks now. Had a growth scan last week, my baby also quite big (87th percentile), estimated to be about a kilo and a half. My first thought was that this means she'd have a better chance if she arrives prematurely. Does that count as catastrophic thinking or not? :)
April 25, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
KE- I’m so sorry you have been through so much! Thinking about you and so happy your son is earthbound- definitely keep us posted.

I’m currently 28 weeks- another scan on Monday, hopefully things are still progressing well. There are soooo many babies being born around me- work, family, friends. I don’t breathe until they arrive safe and sound- it’s just been a lot to handle on top of our girls one year birthday milestone approaching.

Thinking of you all.
April 26, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAM
Hi all, thank you all for the best wishes. Just to update my son is called George , he was 2090g when he was born and was on the 90th centile for his gestation. Although I actually had not thought of having him come early - I’d been more worried about him dying before he was born - you are right Ana, it does give them a better chance if they are early . He is 8days old now and seems to be doing quite well but is still in NICU. He is absolutely beautiful and I already adore him. It makes me think all the more about Eleanor and how she should be here welcoming her little brother to the world. I am still very anxious about his health and can’t help worrying that he will die too.
Ana, you asked about the inquest - the final verdict was that Eleanor’s death was avoidable. A depressing outcome but what I had expected. I Ican only hope that changes will improve the chances for other babies.
I hope all your pregnancies progress smoothly and that none of you mind if I drop in for an update on you all from time to time.
April 29, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKE
I’ve been thinking about all you mamas and wanted to check in.

KE I’m sorry that things have been so complicated with Eleanor’s little brother’s arrival. Welcome to the world, Hunter, and I hope he keeps getting stronger every day. I know I felt so much better once I was able to leave the hospital with Isla’s little sister - hospitals (let alone NICUs) evoke so many difficult memories and emotions. I hope you can all go home soon and have some more space and comforts to feel all the feels together and get to know Hunter in your own home.

Ana, I hope you’re hanging in there with the waiting. My OB waited until almost 40 weeks for our scheduled c-section. Intellectually I trusted her assessment that the safest place for the baby in my circumstances was inside but emotionally, it was harder as the due date got closer. I cocooned myself inside at the end and tried to avoid all the ‘helpful’ comments from everyone. Also, lots of ice cream.

Tsukia, sounds like you keep getting curveballs thrown at you. Hang in there, it sounds like you’re doing a great job!

Baby Adeline is doing really well and we’re completely besotted with her. I’m making progress with getting out to meet other mamas. Some days are better than others (the yoga class that invited everyone to tell their birth stories was a particularly low point but other activities have been much easier).

Sending love (and patience) out to you all!
April 30, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterK West
KE, I’ve just realized I called your little guy the wrong name / sorry George! It’s such a good one, too!
April 30, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterK West