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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Can’t express the depth of my fear

I don’t quite know where to begin but I’m hoping someone will undrerstand. I am 23 weeks pregnant. My son would have been 9 months old but he passed away at 28 weeks. I have been a mess of anxiety and fear this whole pregnancy but it is getting worse as I think about losing my son around this time that I’m pregnant with this new baby. Somewhere between my 24 week and 28 week appointment his heart stopped. I have no answers and everything was fine up until it wasn’t. My problem is my husband needs to go out of town for work for about six weeks during this time. He was gone out of town for work when we lost our son and even though I know in my head that the two events aren’t connected I’m scared and don’t want him to go. He is understanding and willing to stay home but I also know he really wants to take this opportunity. I just feel like anything I did from my loss pregnancy I don’t want to repeat this time around because I’m desperate for a different outcome.
February 20, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Michelle, what you are experiencing is completely normal. People react to similar situations with similar fear, even when the events are very far apart and not connected. I've heard of parents getting anxious (and not knowing why) when their child is approaching a certain age, because at that age something had happened to them a generation ago. It's part of being human. And your events are not that far apart, and you don't really have answers as to why things went wrong last time. Not to mention how severely traumatic it is to lose a child! So please don't feel silly for feeling the way you do.

Whether to push down that fear or embrace it is a different question, and one only you and your husband can resolve. Personally, after 1 stillbirth and 3 miscarriages, during my current pregnancy I started making many requests from my husband that I previously would have thought unreasonable. And while he accommodates them, I wish he would have the impulse to offer care and protection without being asked. We need that, after what we've been through. Thinking about this in terms of numbers makes no sense anymore. It's rare, sure, but it's not rare in my personal experience, and my own history is what I live with every day.
February 21, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. Gentle congratulations on your current pregnancy. I am 22 weeks pregnant and my first son was born preterm at 28 weeks and died in my arms when he was a week old. I understand your fear. The closer it gets, the more anxious I get. I have numerous doctor's appointments scheduled between 24 and 32 weeks and my doctor has assured me that I should go to triage anytime I feel myself getting too anxious. Are you able to be monitored more closely these next few weeks? I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask your husband to stay home. I am terrified of going into preterm labor again and not having my husband with me. Sending good thoughts your way for a successful, healthy pregnancy.
February 21, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterWren
Thank you for your thoughts and replies. I am thankful to know that I am feeling “normal” when it comes to this. I was actually
supposed to have an appointment today but the doctor was out of town and I had to leave the office because I would have had to see the PA and she is a horrible person with zero compassion or empathy. I immediately questioned whether I was doing the right thing. My actual doctor is very understanding and the office staff apologized and flagged my file to only see him. I was going to ask if I could come in before 28 weeks, maybe every two weeks instead of four like I’m currently doing since I am so anxious and worried. My husband got the situation worked out thankfully that he will only be gone for one week instead of six. Thank you for listening to my fears and for me to know I’m not alone.
February 23, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle