I think this has been discussed here but I can’t seem to find it...anyway, after two early miscarriages and the stillbirth of my daughter 3.5 years ago, I had my son 2 years ago (almost, he turns 2 in 2 weeks). It was a high risk pregnancy for several reasons (not just because of the losses)...anyway, I look at my son and I long for him to have a living sibling. How did you decide if you were ready to try again? Any pregnancy will be high risk, and I just turned 38...to date, I’ve had no trouble becoming pregnant, it’s staying pregnant and having a living, healthy baby that’s a challenge. My husband and I don’t know if we have the emotional strength to handle another pregnancy but...we would love for our son to have a sibling...so how did you figure this out?

AB - I don't have any good advice to share as we haven't figured it out ourselves. It's been over 7 months now, so we're in the clear to start trying according to our doctor. I really wanted to be in a good place emotionally before we tried again - before we got pregnant, we were in the mindset of "if this happens, great, but if it doesn't - there are also a ton of things we love about our life as it is that we won't have anymore if we have a kid so that's also great." I kind of wanted to be back to that mindset before we tried again - or as close to it as I could. And I genuinely thought we were back there -
we still have sad moments, but overall we're pretty happy with our lives and are enjoying ourselves - so we were going to start trying this month or next month. But then due to an unexpected bureaucratic issue, we had to cancel a trip we had been planning since almost the moment we found out the baby died. And I had a big outsize reaction to that - making me think that maybe we're not as ready as we thought.

So I guess there's no advice in there for you - except from my perspective for trying again, I want to be in a place where I'm happy with my life as is, and I know that if a new child comes, it will add to that happiness, but if I am disappointed or the worst happens again, I will of course grieve and allow myself sadness, but I will also know that I was happy with my life without that child before and I can and will be happy again even if I will have another baby to miss. Not sure if that helps at all - but it's where I'm at. I guess you knew when to try again the first time - how does it compare this time?

hi SR—I like that, the happy with life as is. That’s helpful thank you. I think for us, the first time, we knew we were ready when the desire to try again was bigger than the fear of another loss. For us, that was about 8-9 months out (I’ve never had a problem getting pregnant, it’s the staying, delivering a healthy, living baby that my body finds challenging). It’s different now because we’re running after a toddler, I have a newish job, we need to move to a bigger place no matter what (we live in a one bedroom apartment), my husbands job is uncertain and he’s looking for another, one of our parents was just diagnosed with early cancer...it’s just a lot but on the flip side our son is wonderful, we see friends with 2 or more kids and the sibling interactions are lovely (we each have siblings), at drop off at daycare today, my son’s teacher told me that his favorite thing to do right now (after playing with trucks), is to grab a doll and read it a book...anyway, writing all that out helped too. Maybe we just need to give it a bit more time. I hope you find your way too.

Hi AB,

I have a very similar post in my drafts folder that I never posted. I wrote it two weeks ago. Like you, by just writing it I felt better, like you can process it?

We lost Maia three years ago. We have a wonderful 18 month old toddler who keeps growing up and brings so much joy to our lives, in spite of the sadness. I'm 37. The 'plan' went out the window the day Maia died. I never wanted three children but now I wonder. I worry that the only sibling experience my son has in life is that with his dead sister who he actually never met (sorry if I'm being too blunt). I know not all siblings get along - - I don't have a good relationship with my brother, for example. But still, it feels... Sad? I don't know.
We're giving it more time as I want my son to have more one to one quality time with us before the fear, the million hospital visits, the panics in the middle of the night and, hopefully, a very demanding newborn arrives in our lives. I know we can't leave it for much longer, and we're keen to avoid Maia’s dates so the window is quite tight, but then again planning only gets you so far. The only advice would be to listen to your hearts. And keep an open mind.

Not helpful, I know, but I'm with you. I understand.

Sending love

Oh Gaby, thank you. Yes, exactly to everything you wrote, from the joys of the toddler to the sadness of missing our daughter, to the avoiding those dates if possible...everything. We started having this conversation about 6 months ago too. Sitting here with you as you think it throuh and sending you some love back.

Hi AB im still struggling with this too. Its been 10 months since we lost our daughter, she was our first child so I have nothing to compare it to. We have only just begun to talk about ttc, the fear is always there and yes it will be high risk but the desire as you say is proving to be bigger eachday. Sending you hope.

Thank you J. Sending you lots of courage as you navigate this too...ten months out...I remember still being knocked over with grief, but also really, really wanting a living baby. About 7-8 months out, when we started discussing it, we made a pre-conception appointment with a maternal fetal specialist, and chose a new OB and met with them too. The MFM and geneticist spend over an hour each with us, pouring over the autopsy and placental reports, explaining everything. They also explained the likelihood of each of the things that had gone wrong happening again, they explained what they could do to prevent it (if they could at all). Then, together, they made a plan for care should I become pregnant again. And they said that his would be the plan, if the pregnancy went well (it did) for any future ones. It gave me some confidence but it was still nerve wracking...anyway, hugs to all of you courageous mamas.

Hi AB,

Just checking in, seeing where you are on this journey.

We're currently in my rational window for trying again but I can't see myself going through a pregnancy again just yet. So next window will be mid year. And that's the last I dare, given my age and risks.

How are you doing? Have you found peace with whatever you have decided??

Sending love