I don't know what to do. What to think. How to be. I'm batshit terrified right now.

All I could think of was coming here, where the words of so many wise women have provided such comfort these past months.

My second son Jonah was born and died last November following a full placental abruption during labour. It almost destroyed me. Then at Easter I found out I was pregnant. Then I miscarried. All the tests in the world failed to find any reason why any of it happened. And now I'm pregnant again. I had a scan on Friday fully expecting it to confirm another miscarriage, but instead found I'm carrying identical twins. After the joy of learning the pregnancy had progressed, the fear hit almost immediately. I already knew another pregnancy would be risky, but I was so unprepared for this terror. How on earth am I supposed to do this?

I know too much about what can go wrong. And because death has come before, I can't help feeling that it will happen again.

So I don't quite know what to do.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I don't think I have any advice on how to do this, but wanted you to be reminded that you're not alone and we're all just working it out as we go along. It makes sense that you feel terrified - you know what if feels like when the very unlikely but totally devastating happens. And of course you don't know how to do this - a year ago you probably had no idea how someone could lose a child and somehow work out how to keep living and breathing and have the courage to become pregnant again. But you worked it out, and you'll work this out too. In the meantime, I hope you have a chance to take some time doing whatever helps bring you a bit of calmness.

Our stories have many similarities. A stillbirth at 37 weeks followed by a miscarriage at 6 weeks six months later. A boatload of testing never uncovered a reason for either of my losses. I ended up pregnant again shortly after and I was totally freaked out. Like I didn't want to leave my bed for a week after getting my first positive. My pregnancy was a singleton pregnancy not twin, but all of my confidence in being able to carry a pregnancy for any duration was shattered. What helped was frequent appointments with MFM and my OBs where they would reassure me that since my testing came back normal and we were doing lots of extra monitoring that my odds of a successful pregnancy were good. I also saw a therapist almost weekly and I talked to other loss moms who had had successful rainbow pregnancies frequently. Not going to sugar coat it - it was hard! But I just wanted to let you know that its not weird that you are freaking out because I was there too. I just had my rainbow on Monday, so it is possible to have a baby after stillbirth and miscarriage.

Thank you both.

I suffered two early miscarriages and another neonatal death at 23 weeks. I am currently 18 weeks pregnant. I alternate from bouts of giddiness and hope to anxiety and terror. As I near my 23 week mark, I find that I'm much more easily triggered and anxious. The week before Thanksgiving I went to the ER due to some bright red spotting. Luckily, everything seems to be ok. However, I am no longer working and monitoring my high blood pressure.

I am responding to this thread because I too am in the same boat and am wondering if someone can share additional insight.

Truth is, life is uncertain but that also means the same for goodness and blessings as well. We can only try to stay positive and do the best we can.

Sending love and well wishes to all of us.

How is everyone doing?? Just wanted to check in after reading this and send as much love and support as possible. I also read some of these threads for my own sanity...to know I’m not alone.

July 4th 2016 I lost my baby Dean to a severe and sudden placenta abruption at 35 weeks. I waited a while to try again because I just wasn’t confident that my body was healed enough or strong enough or anything. Once we decided we were ready to try again, I got pregnant immediately and am now 9 weeks. Some days I feel amazing and positive. Other days I am terrified. I just keep trying to read stories where people talk about their rainbow babies to give myself more hope and confidence. I just get nervous that I am not really prepared for how hard this is going to be.

X