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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Life

I never really thought about writing my feelings on paper after I went through the loss of losing my twins. I have always enjoyed writing, but yet having those words in front of me where scarier than feelings I had. For me, those feelings I went through were MINE, to me no one could understand unless you were a mom that had to walk out of that hospital without your baby in your arms. I lost my twins in June 2014, that year was a total blur. I polluted my body, numbed my emotions as best I could, I could never rationalize the reasons, the whys! I had gone through the motions of life, I smiled sometimes even when I didn’t want to, I even laughed even when all I wanted to do was cry, I endured life. I existed in a world I wanted no part of, who wants to live in a world without your most precious gifts? I would remember how I loved life before my loss, I loved my family, I loved my work, my husband walked on water…. How do you find your way back to that? How do you love yourself again? How do you truly live when the one thing in life you always wanted to be, someone’s mom, was ripped from you! These were questions that reeled and reeled on replay, then one day it hit me, I was someone’s mom… I am a mom, I am a mom to twin girls! Yes what happened was unfair, unjust, horrific….but the good that was in all of it that I could never see was I loved my girls their ENTIRE life, and I love them still…. I will forever be there mom!
In 2016, after I had resigned myself I would be the best aunt and dog mom on the planet … I became pregnant! I had been in fertility for 2 years before I became blessed with my girls, if you have ever been through fertility you know the hardship on your wallet, your relationship and your life! Your world revolves around ovulation and body temperature, needles and bloodwork, you become consumed! I had given up, I was determined to find the magic with my husband again, that man had been put through enough… fertility.. losing our babies …. A basket case wife at home … he deserved magic again! He deserves a normal life. Well, we took our vacation time together, had a staycation and truly just enjoyed each other. I joked with him at the beginning of our vacation and said, “babe your vacation isn’t going to be that fun im getting my period.” He rolled his eyes because I think that is just what men do. Well my period never came, we had an amazing week of drinking, bonfires, water hole swimming and truly enjoying each other and enjoying being in love! I woke up early Friday, and just for shits and giggles I decided to take a pregnancy test….. he was still sleeping .. he couldn’t tell me I was crazy.. I just wanted to “see”….. well I saw alright … and lost my whole damn mind! I think that day I took approximately 5 test in total and they all said pregnant! I was shocked, like literally shocked. So many things went through my mind, How did this happen? This isn’t supposed to happen? I told myself Tiffany, you can NOT get excited, you have to wait! Then the fear set in, I cant go through another loss, I wouldn’t survive it! I could barely contain all the emotion good and bad, I literally had to shut my emotions off. Then the road began, I truly wasn’t a good pregnant person the first time, if I am being honest, so what the hell was going to happen now? My pregnancy became milestones, weeks to get through, closer and closer to “viability”. As people were starting to find out I was pregnant again, they would ask, when can we get excited? Like how horrible was all of this, it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. My brother’s birthday was the exact day I would hit “viability” it had to be an omen I said to myself, could I get excited then? That was my focal point, when I would start to enjoy what was going to happen to my family, to my life. That day came, and the guilt started. I asked myself, do I have the ‘right’ to get excited after my other babies died? I felt I was betraying my other girls. I now look back and know these thoughts couldn’t be further from the truth. I deserved this baby and the life that comes with her, even if at times my mind can tell me otherwise. My daughter Carmella was born, February 28, 2017… TEN DAYS LATE!!!!! It fits her personality actually, she wanted her own time, she wanted to make sure I was ready for her…..
I have and still do weep over my loss of the twins and sometimes I sit back and look at my house, my yard, my husband and think there should be 3 little girls here. I have planted a tree outside my kitchen window, so as I go through the motions of life, cooking, cleaning, bottles, formula .. all my brand new normals, I can look out and still watch that tree grow. I can take Carmella outside and sit by that tree and read to her, tell her about her sisters.. I feel a piece of them will grow with all of us…. as a family! They are in the roots, the leaves, the flowers … they are living with us and we are all okay!
I am writing this to let all mothers out there that have been through loss and have felt defeated, lost and hopeless…. You deserve to be happy again! You deserve to feel life and warmth, it wont come easy and you will never forget and you will never not feel the hurt. But it is your job to yourself and your baby that you lost, to find something that makes you feel life! Because life is what it is all about, it is what it all boils down to….. they lived within you, whether it was for a few weeks or 9 months, you gave them life! Feel life and they will grow with you….. because they are always with you!
August 30, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTiffany Wadsworth
That's beautiful Tiffany, I so hope to get to that feeling of warmth and calm ( at least most of the time!)
I'm certainly not there yet but it's early days.
Wishing you and your family love and happiness
August 31, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKE