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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Always waiting

Our 15 month old son Asher died in December 2016 of pneumonia. In February I was pregnant but lost that baby in April. I had a D and C and started getting pain 5 weeks post D and C and got my period 9 weeks post D and C. I had another period 33 days after that one. Waiting for my period was horrible. I still had pain and made an appt to see a reproductive endocrinologist since I will be 40 in September. They found scar tissue in my uterus, guess what that syndrome is called? Asherman's syndrome. I mean come on, of all the names it has to have my dead son's name. I am trying to reframe this and see it as a sign that he is with me but it is really hard. So I had surgery to remove the scars, luckily I had minor Asherman's. We have been trying these last 3 cycles I had after my D and C (1 since surgery to remove scars) and still not pregnant. All of my blood work is normal except my AMH is low (0.76) and my FSH is on the higher end of normal (10). I think this is to be expected given my age. My husbands tests have come back normal and he has semen analysis tomorrow. Anyway, I tested this week and I am not pregnant but of course no sign of my period. Everything is a wait. I am so frustrated. I had surgery 2.5 weeks ago and even though the doctor said to proceed with TTC and that the surgery went well I am trying to convince myself that my body needed another cycle to heal and get back to normal and it will happen next month. Every month is a roller coaster.
August 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
this roller coaster you are on is exhausting. when we were ttc, had a blighted ovum mc and then are now pregnant with our rainbow. but those few months were horrible. I couldnt imagine how you feel on your journey. It is an unfair one

Thinking of you and your husband and sending good vibes your way.
August 13, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Thank you. This month is Asher's birthday so I am extra depressed. I have been exhausted this entire month. I am trying to find something to look forward to that can help pull me through this very uncertain time. So far I haven't found anything.
August 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise