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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Preterm loss with fibroids

Hello, my name is Angie. We just lost our son 2days ago 7/30/17. I was 22.5 weeks. I am 39 years old and found out at our first Dr visit that I had a very large fibroids. It was 8cm at that time. I had no idea before ttc that I had the fibroids. My husband and I were very lucky to have conceived our first try. Given that nothing could be done about the fibroid while pregnant I was just to be monitored. We had our 20 week intensive ultrasound and they saw that the original fibroid grew to a massive 15cm and that two more and also grown that were about 4-5cm each. The baby was perfect though. My doctor even remarked that even though I was labeled "high risk" the pregnancy was going great. I was working a very stressful job where I was on my feet the whole time. I had constantly been asking for accommodations and help, but did not receive any. I finally spoke with my HR department and my Doctor and on 7/27/17 I was granted disability leave. I literally started the paper work that day and that evening I felt some aches and pains. This was my first pregnancy so I just thought it was normal. I even reached out to the labor and delivery hotline to see if what I was feeling was normal or if I should go in. I had no other symptoms so I was told to take some Tylenol and that it sounded normal. The next day the pain worsened and I started reading about degeneration of fibroids that. An happen and how painful they can be. My doctor even warned me that this could happen so I thought that I what was going on. The night of 7/29 I was in a lot of pain but it was not contractions at that point. I went to sleep and woke up about 1:00am and knew what I was feeling was not normal. Soon after I started having contractions. We rushed to the hospital and I was at that point 0.5 cm dialated. I was in such shock and everything happened so fast that I had no idea what was going on. As my husband keeps saying, he thought they would give me some pain medication and we'd go home. Instead the had the NICU come in and tell us that our chances of having our baby survive at this stage was basically impossible and they were asking us what we wanted to do once the baby was born. I was in such and such pain I could not fully grasp what was going on. I kept waiting for them to give us a second option that meant this would all stop. They spoke about watching me to see if a labor would slow down, but that was unlikely. They moved me to the delivery room and within minutes I was fully dialated. I never wanted an epidural if I went full term, but given this horrific circumstance, they couldn't give me the epidural fast enough. Within the next 1/2 hour or so I unknowingly delivered our son. He had no heart beat at that point. The remaining time at the hospital was very hard although our nursing team was very comforting. We were able to go home that night due to our wishes. Yesterday and today have been so hard. I have continued to have dreams that I am still pregnant and of course the reality hits very hard once I wake up. I am so heartbroken for all reasons. I am especially heartbroken that I was finally out on leave just days before and I was so happy that I would be able to spend the next 4months really taking it easy and having a good pregnancy. My husband and I want to ttc as soon as we can, but I have this added issue with the fibroids. I will have to wait to have a myomectomy to remove the fibroids and then of course the recovery time after that. I am so worried about me now being 39 and then soon enough 40 which has its own high risks. I really hope that we will be able to get pregnant again soon and have a successful pregnancy. Please let me know if there is anyone else out there that has had a similar story regarding fibroids. Thank you.
August 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAngie
Angie, I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your husband. I do not have any experience with fibroids. Im sure there is someone on here who does. Follow your doctors recommendations, asked to see any specialists you can.

I wish you peace during this horrible time. Be gentle to yourselves
August 2, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Thank you very much
August 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAngie
I am so sorry for your loss Angie. Sending you lots of soothing and positive vibes.
And to give you hope I'd like to share with you the story of my friend - she's in her early 40's and she had been struggling with infertility and multiple miscarragies due to problems with her immune system. But today she announced that she's pregnant with her baby and it all goes well so far.
So don't put an extra pressure on yourself because of your age but just take a very good care of yourself and please be gentle to yourself. You will need this energy to recover both physically and emotionally in order to be ready for your next pregnancy.
I myself lost my baby girl 4,5 months ago and we're trying for another baby but no success so far. But my terrible loss experience tought me one thing - there's no sense in putting pressure on yourself and trying to speed up things or freak out because it doesn't come out the way you expected. Just love yourself and your life, enjoy and emrace every single moment of it. We are already so lucky to be moms of our sweet little angel babies. There are a lot of women in this world who even didn't experience being pregnant at all.
We just need to be hopeful and patient - it's coming our way and we need to be ready to finally have our reward.
I'm wishing you a lot of courage in these very tough days. Please think about yourself now, it's really about time to be selfish now so that you can concentrate only on your recovery.
Gentle hugs.
August 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElise's mom
Thank you very much Elsie's Mom. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss as well. Your words are very inspiring and greatly appreciated. I am guilty of not being gentle enough with myself. I will work on this for sure. Good luck to you in trying to conceive again. I wish you all the love and happiness and a new baby to be. Thanks again for your message.
August 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAngie
I'm glad that my message was helpful for you Angie.
But I forgot to mention one more very important thing - it takes two to tango... so your partner will need you so much now, he might be devastated even more then you. You know men are always so proud to protect their families. And now he might feel totally miserable and desroyed of the thought that he "failed" to protect you and your baby. My husband still struggles with it after 4,5 months.
So concentrate on both of you as a couple, it's a very very tough moment for you both right now. Be attentive and careful with each other. Therapy might be also a good thing, at leadt we both found it helpful and are still visiting our therapist every week.
Stick together as much as you can and make your angel baby proud of how loving and happy you are (or better to say trying to become again)
August 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElise's mom
You are right. I have an appointment for a therapist coming up and groups for us both to attend.
August 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAngie