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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Rainbow Gender

We lost our sweet Lucy 5 months ago at 18 weeks likely due to a blood clotting disorder. I'm now expecting again, but it's very early at 9 weeks. It's very emotional and doesn't feel "real" I think part of it is that I'm purposely disconnecting myself in some sort of effort to protect myself. We did a frozen embryo transfer and all of the embryos were tested - meaning the doctor knows the gender and will tell us if we choose to know - we have found out with all of our pregnancies (we have been blessed with 2 healthy boys) - but for some reason I'm hesitant on this one. I think deep down I'm hoping for a boy so it will be different, and if it's a girl I am afraid that I will be upset and emotional b/c it isn't Lucy - not to mention we'd had that girl name picked out for years and literally cannot think/do not want to think of another girls name. So part of me doesn't want to find out as I'm afraid it will be hard, but the other part of me knows that 4, 6, 10 weeks from now it will not be any different - and maybe knowing will help me to connect more and be positive for this pregnancy. I've read through some posts and I think others have had some similar thoughts...but looking for some words of encouragement from those of you who have walked this path.
July 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLucy's Mom
Hi Lucy's mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

FInding out the gender is always going to be an emotional ride. I loss my baby girl, my first at term. Now I am pregnant at 30 weeks with a boy. I am happy I am having a boy as it will b eeasier to cope when he comes a different baby, will probably look different to her, and its a different themed nursery, different clothes etc.I Liked finding out as I can bond with baby, he has a name, he is referred to his name by those who know it. Makes the pregnancy real which is helpful as I was in denial for a long time, and was feelign detached until we found out.

I am happy, however, I worry for the next time we have a baby that I may not be able to have my little girl. I feel like I would be missing out if we dont have a girl. Its up to you. If I could choose for next time I would want a little girl to not miss out on that experience we were so prepared and excited for and it was ripped away.

All the best.
July 26, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Hi Lucy's Mom - We lost our son, Aiden, May of last year. I am now pregnant and was 100% sure it would be a girl. Boys are rare in my family so i thought, what are the chances?

So we did find out and it is a boy. At first I was torn and really wished it was a girl. I wanted the difference but I also wanted the familiar (we have a 4 yr old daughter). I came to glow and looked through the archives. Someone said something about being happy its the same gender, because she felt like she was meant to, but got cheated out of, parenting a live boy/girl (can't remember which). It struck me that I am being given a second chance to parent a boy. Something I honestly believed I would never have.

Ultimately, its hard both ways. None of this is easy but finding a positive side to having the same gender, made it a bit easier for me. I hope you find some peace.
July 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJ&A's Mom
Lucy's Mom - I am not pregnant so I can't speak from experience, but I can say that with my loss pregnancy we did not find out the baby's sex for a variety of reasons that are still true. I will be honest - although I wouldn't say I didn't feel connected to my baby, not having a name or picture in my head of a little boy or girl made everything much more abstract to me. I still want to say that I wouldn't want to find out in a subsequent pregnancy - But I have also thought I might want to do things differently so I can deal with any emotions that I might not want adding to all the emotions that I imagine already would be swirling in the delivery room ina PAL.

You should do whatever is best for you in the moment though. If right now you are not ready to find out, ask your doctor to write it down and put it in an envelope for you and you can keep it somewhere at home to be opened when and if you are ready. I can tell you this - I never knew and despite the abstract feeling, I felt more bonded to my baby than I even knew so, even if you want to, I suspect it will be very difficult to resist connecting with him or her.
July 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSR
Hi Lucy's Mom,

I lost my first baby, my son Hunter, over three years ago. After a number of subsequent failed pregnancies, I gave birth to his sister three months ago. With my son, I didn't find out he was a boy until he was stillborn at 38 weeks. With my daughter, we wanted to know so we could have a little more control over the situation. I think it did help a lot with my pregnancy, especially in helping us bond with the bump. I imagine everyone is different so just do what you feel is right.

Shannon.
August 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon