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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Too scared to test

I know I'm being stupid. I'll say that upfront. But I can't bring myself to take a pregnancy test. It's been 4 months since we lost our first, very much wanted and loved, little baby boy, who was born at only 20 weeks. Going through that ripped my heart out. I don't know how I'll survive going through something like that again. I think I might be pregnant, very early, now - we're so lucky if we are, and I know even writing this is insensitive to those who are trying and aren't pregnant, but I just can't bring myself to confirm it. If I do confirm it, then there's just more weeks of waiting and hoping nothing goes wrong. And if something does go wrong in the next few weeks, then I would be none the wiser...right? And if I'm not, then hopefully my cycle will appear any day and solve that. Is this stupid? Has anyone else felt this way?
July 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterS
S, I think that all of us here have felt every which way at various times (sometimes all at once). Nobody who's been here would think that what you're feeling is stupid. And anybody who hasn't been here has no idea what they're talking about. When I was working out whether to pee on a stick, it was such a jumble of competing emotions, so I set myself a date when I would do it, and then planned distractions until then. At the moment, to help get through each pregnancy milestone, I'm reminding myself that at every stage of losing Isla (waiting for test results, leaving the NICU, waiting for her to die), I didn't know how I'd get through to the next stage, and yet I did. Do whatever you need to in order to get through to tomorrow, and next week, and next month. Sending you love and positive thoughts...
July 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterK West
S, I definitely understand how you feel I think I'm pregnant to, probably 2 months but I'm so scared to confirm it although I know my body. It's only been 6 months since we list our sweet Prince Isaiah at 53 days old. I have every emotion possible, but I know I have to find out it just makes my anxiety high even thinking about it. Hope all the best for you!!
July 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterK.M