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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Trouble conceiving rainbow no.2...bringing it all back

I lost my first child, a girl, ilaria, at 25.5weeks. I had a classical c section and was told to wait quite a while before trying again. 1.5years late, I was pregnant for the second time. But that ended in a missed miscarriage. A few months later I was pregnant with my son. He's now coming up to 2.5year old. I feel like I've been trying to get pregnant again forever, but in reality it's about a year and a half.
My period just came today. I have SO much to be grateful for, but when my period shows up, again, I can't help feeling like I did with all those months of try before my second pregnancy, and the months afterwards. The sense of worry that something is wrong with me, the questions about why pregnancy is just not that easy for me, new doubts about whether I'm too old, am trying to hard, am not trying hard enough...etc's a wheel, a cycle, at times vicious, that just leaves me with those age old questions, why me? why not me?
July 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLozza
Lozza, First and foremost, I am so sorry that you lost Ilaria and are now left with all of these questions! I can definitely relate to the "why me?" and "why not me?" I want to reassure you that you are not being punished by the universe. You didn't earn this. Things just aren't fair. Truly. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to a**holes. Also, please know that it is completely normal and healthy to be both grateful for what you have and disappointed to not be pregnant again at the same time. Thinking of you...
July 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRuby's Mom