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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > June pregnancy thread

Hi ladies,
I hope you are all hanging in there.

Gaby, thank you so much for checking in with me, and even remembering how far along I am. It means a lot. I am 36 weeks. I am mostly okay, but also anxious and in some denial. My fluid has been high again the past week and half, measuring at 27 last week both days, and up to 28 today. My OB still does not seem concerned and just said we should continue to watch. I had a growth ultrasound today. They estimate that the baby is 6 lb, 9 oz, which is about 60%, so he is a decent size. His stomach in particular is big, they said, 90th percentile, so now I am paranoid that since I have been eating a little worse these past few weeks, maybe that can explain my high fluid levels and his large stomach, but I mostly think I am just being crazy. For now, I am still scheduled for a c-section June 20th, with the plan that if I go into labor earlier, we will see how I am progressing and then decide if I will do a vbac or a c-section. I am trying to stay as calm as I can for these next 15 days, but at this gestational point with Sidney, everything was still fine, so it is scary. Words of encouragement? Mantras you used for those last few weeks?

How is everyone else doing? Thanks again for all the support.
June 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
Hi DA! Sending you lots of soothing and positive vibes for the next 15 days and will be thinking of you.
Unforfunately I cannot give you any advise on how to keep up with your emotions since I haven't been pregnant yet since our baby girl passed away on April 3rd. But the one thing I know is that your little baby Angel Sidney is taking a good care of you and will not allow things go wrong.
Take a good care of yourself, try to sleep well and eat well. Sometimes focusing on basic things grounds very well. I also found a meditation app "Headspace" very hellpful in fighting anxiety in my dark days of sorrow and grief so might be worth for you to check out (they have starting lessons for free so in case you don't like it you don't need to pay for the full version).
June 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElise's mom
Thanks, Elise's mom. My fluid levels continue to be high, they are up to 29.3, and since I am already 4 cm dilated, my OB has moved up my delivery date. I am now scheduled for an induction June 13th. Scared but trying to stay calm.
June 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
I'm 17.5 weeks and I haven't told my coworkers yet (thank goodness for scrubs which hide all). A bunch of us are going to the park after work tomorrow for a graduation party so I'll probably change clothes before going. The cat will be coming out of the bag. I'm thinking about sending them a Facebook messenger message this evening with a picture of the photo announcement we are using to tell family. Does this sound like a good idea? I just haven't been able to just come out with it in a normal sort of way.
June 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
Hi ladies,

Another quick one from me.

Dena, that's nerve wracking. I'm glad they've moved your date, you'll be 37 + then I guess? My last few days pregnant I did a combination of headless chicken tidying up the house and zero effort adult colouring books. Have you tried those? Plenty available from Amazon. I also wrote in a journal. Other useful stuff is prepping food for the freezer for 'later'.

Hang in there, you're almost there. Will carry on thinking of you!!!!

Big hugs
June 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
I ended up doing a group text. I'm hoping they will be understanding that I'm way too anxious to do something more normal.

A question - does anyone else have things they've been way too nervous to do? The biggest one for me is regular penis/vagina sex. My husband is quite understanding (fortunately) and nervous himself. I'm also afraid to highlight my hair. It's been a year because I didn't do it while TTC. I even went on a all natural beauty kick while TTC. So now on a good day it looks ombre (I think...maybe) and on a bad day the ends look like straw and the top looks moist and like I ran out of money to take care of it. So now I either let it ride and fix when I'm no longer pregnant, go ahead and highlight, or big chop. I feel like I've lost touch with what normal risks are and everything seems like it could hurt the baby.
June 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
I'm not pregnant just popped in to see how everyone is doing and offer some cheerleading! You're all in my thoughts xxx

Mom2htb , I was soooooo superstitious with my rainbow pregnancies. The biggest one was that I read somewhere in some cultures they don't cut their hair while pregnant so I never did! My hair was long to start with and ended up down near my bum!

Seriously I say just do what you need to save some of your sanity. This is hard! Much love to all of you.
June 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Hello ladies,
just popped in to send much love and soothing vibes.
Dena, my last weeks were nerve wreacking... and it all looked fine! But its good that they rescheduled. I spent those final days knitting... I had learned in my childhood, but hadn't touched any needles in ages. In early pregnancy my husband bought me a book on knitting, and it was like ridding a bicicle. Except that I never learned how to ride one. But knitting really was soothing.
I made 2 little jackets, one to large and the other was not perfect either... I actually did not finish in time... who cares! The point was not going crazy!
I think that anything that occupies the mind and is just hand work is nice.
I don't know anything about fluid levels, but I know deep down that it will be fine! It will all be ok!
Much much peace and positive vibes your way!

June 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi Ladies, I am new to this part of the forum... I am 6 weeks 3 days today so very early... we lost our 40 day old son Brandon this past December from a heart condition. I have all kinds of mixed feelings about being pregnant, and I am also scared because not only did I lose my son I also had 2 early miscarriages in the past. I am having a fetal viability ultrasound on Tuesday so I am hoping I will see a nice heartbeat in there. I haven't told a single person other than my husband and therapist so it's nice to be able to talk about it in here. Mom2htb, I will (if I am lucky enough to) be just like you and tell work as late as I can... Best of luck to everybody.
June 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane
Hi ladies,

Welcome Cristiane, I hope the scan tomorrow is positive!

Mom2htb, how did it go last week? Sorry, no advice on the sex department. Other than don't chop it off?? :)

Dena, I'm thinking of you. Not sure if you are already in hospital or the induction is still happening tomorrow but either way, I'm thinking of you.

Love to all
June 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Dena, I'm thinking of you tomorrow. Sending all the good thoughts! Please let us know.

Little Lina is growing and doing well. We sometimes wake her to make sure she is still alive. The other night she looked at me in a way that made her look like her brother Arav and that made me cry. I had to talk myself back into believing that she is alive and well. After I calmed down I was actually happy that she resembles him.
June 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom
Arav's Mom, have you got Snuza monitors where you are? It saved my sanity with my two rainbow babies. It's not an under the mattress monitor- it's a little one that clips onto their nappy and monitors breathing and movement. Just an idea xx
June 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Hi everyone,

Signing in on this part of the board! Six weeks today, although I found out a full three weeks ago, so I might have ovulated early and it might be a little more. I have to admit that I don't feel great. My husband and I have been distancing since our daughter died, and even though things had been getting better, his immediate response to this pregnancy was to distance again. It's his way of protecting himself, but I wish there was someone out there to protect me.

Today I called the hospital to start the process of arranging a genetic test, to see if this baby has the potential to develop the same heart condition as Nadia. Just calling was hard, the many calls where nobody answered, and in the end I didn't get to the person I needed so I had to explain my whole story, and am now waiting for someone to call me back (unclear when). They would also do an ultrasound, and I'm kind of dreading it. We found out about Nadia's failing heart at a late scan, and my previous two pregnancies were found to be over at the dating scan. So I'm sitting here feeling alone with all these fears (and tasks of calling, arranging, etc), and very sorry for myself. Difficult day.
June 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAna
Christine - welcome congratulations and I am so sorry to here about your baby brandon. I hope your scan went well.

Ana - congratulations, I hope your scan goes well as well. though I know they can be nerve wrecking. I hope this may bring some peace to you and your husband, if not now but maybe later on when you reach past that us date that found your babys heart condition. You are not alone, men grief different then us women, we are all here for you and we have been there one way or another, unfortunately we are the caretakers adn still have to be the caretakers of ourselves and the new pregnancies. Thinking of you.

Arav's mom - I am going to get an owlet monitor my friend has one and it is a life saver for her, her babe was very premie and lets her sleep at night, they are a it pricey but they have a zero interest payment plan which is nice.

Marta - I am glad everything is going well for you.

I havent posted in a while. Things have been good, though time is flying by 12.5 more weeks to go. On monday we discuss induction date with my OB we get to pick our date, and she will schedule herself in to work that day. Our scnas went well, our 20 week us was good, we are having a boy this time. Which I am happy about, it will be easier to cope with I think when he comes out. Different pregnancy adn different baby. I feel like if we had a girl wearing our girls clothes I never got to put on her, sleeping in our girls nursery we wouldnt really change etc. would be hard to seperate the babies. So we have been getting some boys clothes together,. got some things for the nursery to make it a little man cave and put our girls belongings in storage. I thought it would be harder than it was.

For those of you who did not bury their babes, which we did not, her urn is in the nursery, did you create a special place for them? Im thinking she will stay in the nursery for a while. Trying to decide, but thinking I would like her in our room. maybe a small shelving unit just for her? Im afraid of later her being knocked off a shelf that sort of thing.

thanks in advance.
June 16, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Just popping in to say hope everything went OK Dena x
June 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Thanks, everyone, for checking in. Things went well--Silas Gabriel was born at 2:10 pm on June 13th, and was out after only two pushes. We are now at home, slowly adjusting. It's great, but also scary and sad at the same time, and I miss his brother every day.

Thinking of you all.

June 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
It's been a while since I have posted on here (though I do still occasionally lurk). I just found out on June 10th that I am pregnant for the 4th time. 1st pregnancy, I lost my baby girl at 22 weeks due to placental insufficiency and oligohydramnios. 2nd pregnancy, I had a signs of placental insufficiency and was induced at 37wks because of complications, but my son survived. Delivery was rough and he was born with an Apgar of 1, but quickly recovered and is now a healthy 1.5yr old. My 3rd pregnancy ended very quickly after it started (at about 5.5wks) in February of this year. And now....Round 4. I don't honestly know how far along I am because I wasn't tracking my cycle. I think I am about 6wks, but I will find out next Tuesday at my first ultrasound whether there is actually anything there and, if so, how far along. I am surprisingly not too scared of an early miscarriage anymore because I know what that is like and I feel that I coped pretty well with the loss in February. But I am terrified of having the baby survive to the 2nd trimester screen and finding out that there are problems again. I did not cope well with losing my daughter. I don't know how I would cope if it happened again...especially now that I have a child to care for.

Arav's Mom- I frequently woke my son up when he was first born because he looked too still. I found it really helpful to room share because I could place my hand on his chest to feel him breathing without opening a door and waking him up. I still sometimes sing into the monitor to peacefully wake him up slightly so I can see him squirm and know he is ok.

DA- It looks like you were scheduled to have an induction in the 13th. You are in my thoughts.

Mom2htb- I did the same thing during my rainbow pregnancy....I avoided anything that I had ever heard might be even slightly harmful (face washes, mouthwash containing alcohol, etc...). So much is out of our hands, but making those kinds of decisions gave me the illusion that I could at least control something....anything...even if it was tiny...about the pregnancy.

Christiane- I hope your ultrasound went well!

Ana- Having to tell your story to a stranger on the phone sounds brutal, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry about the toll the loss has taken on your marriage. It was hard on mine as well. It still sometimes is because I still think about Ruby everyday, but my husband doesn't often talk about her and has shared that he doesn't think about her daily any longer. With my early loss in February of this year, he struggled quite a lot, while I continued on with my life and hardly shed a tear. It is hard to be in two different places with grief. I hope you feel supported by him as your continue on this journey. And I hope your ultrasound is a positive experience.

still0517- I am glad to hear that your 20wk us went well. I am glad that you feel positively about having a boy. I definitely understand the feeling of relief at being able to separate the babies in your mind. Regarding the urn, I wish I had a suggestion, but we buried my daughter. I keep a memory box in the nursery with her picture, footprints and the blanket they wrapped her in at the hospital. I want to remember that it was her room too. But it is pretty high up, so I am not at all worried about it getting knocked off the shelf. And mine is just a picture, not her, so I am less concerned about it falling. I hope you find a place that feels right and safe to you.
June 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRuby's Mom
Oh, Dena, what a relief!!!!!!!!!!
So happy for you :)
Be gentle with yourself, the first weeks can be a real challenge. Reach out if you need it, we're all here for you.
June 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Dena, I am soooo happy for you!
It was really fast! That is so good! My first delivery was an induction and it took only 14-h!!! In retrospect I can only say thank god nothing bad happened! That was the main reason I was all for c-section this time...
Much much happyness to you and yours...
Love and positiveness to all you other mommies...

June 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Congratulations Dena! I'm so happy for you! I'm so glad everything went fine and you could welcome and meet your rainbow baby! Of course it will not completely heel the wounds of loss but at least will help you to concentrate on a positive side of being a mother of a living healthy child.

And lots of soothing vibes for all the ladies out there expecting their rainbows! Wishing you nice and easy pregnancies. I can only imagine all the mix of feelings you all are facing and experiencing but I hope you can still get some moments cherishing and embracing these priceless moments with your little babies growing inside. Lots of love and positive vibes!

And I just heard back from doctors in regards to test results (autopsy and full chromosomal test) - they could not establish the reason that caused our little baby girl Elise Lilly passing away... It's both positive and negative. It's good to know as now I don't have any space in trying to blame myself for doing something wrong. But on the other side I'd feel so much better if the doctors could tell me what caused it so that in future I could get a medication or therapy to avoid facing the same issue in future... And ahead we still have our good bye ceremony with our little angel. I didn't think I would be so emotional about it but the closer I get to this day the more I loose control over my feelings.
June 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElise's mom
I'm so excited for all of you- and praying that you all can feel some peace and calm today. Reading every story and concern strikes me as to how each of you are such great moms. And how loved and cherished each child is- the ones we may have already had, those we have lost, and the rainbows on the way.

I can hardly believe it but I've made it to 23 weeks today, and so far everything is ok! My 20 week us showed my worse case scenario fear of my subchorionic hemmorage they saw early on had no grown or remained- but resolved!!! Last time I had one that kept growing, eventually turning into a complete placental abruption. So yippie! My son was so wiggly they scheduled another us because they couldn't get all the images they needed (like how many fingers and toes) because he moved so much. But every thing looked great. So relieved!

I'm getting to the place where I physically can't deny being pregnant because I'm huge. Random people keep asking me when I'm due. It's exciting, but also challenging. I can't just go into denial when it's too much to think about emotionally. I am getting closer- saw another doctor and everyone agreed I need to deliver by c section at 36-37 weeks (no labor allowed) which really grieves me. I really enjoyed/was proud of difficult and successful vaginal births, and the lady emergency c section resulting with our lifeless son and a terrible uterine infection makes me terrified of that happening again.

I have been paramoid too. Especially when they saw the subchorionic hemorrhage on the us early on, I went right to pelvic rest/no sex and no lifting anything remotely heavy. My 4 year old son is frustrated with no lifting, and though my husband gets it I am pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy and over reacting with no sex. (Keep in mind these are self implemented, not from dr). But after I lost my son with the domino starting with that subchorionic hemorrhage last time (and no restrictions from dr) I found out that many doctors do say no lifting and no sex. With a repeat SCH, I decided I might be silly but it helps me feel better. I also put myself on bed rest and drink tons of water if I feel a twinge uncomfortable. Also probably annoying to others but I am not taking any chances, and I'm doing these things for my sanity! Do what you need to.

I am getting so nervous as I approach 25 weeks- I'm so paranoid- as that is the gestation week that I was hospitalized at last time. Both my husband and I are going squirrelly. Please pray for peace and sanity. I'm thinking about and praying for each of you and your families and babies. I hope you are enjoying the beautiful summer! Get out and enjoy a good combo of nature and air conditioning if you can. It has really helped my heart! Love you all.
June 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterApril
Dena, I'm so pleased to read about the safe arrival of your son! My rainbow boy has the same first name!! Big hugs and all the best xxx
June 24, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
20 weeks and my ultrasound went well. I have an anterior left placenta so no wonder I don't feel kicks very often. Anyone else have an anterior placenta? I'm nervous for how this will impact later pregnancy with kick counting and monitoring regular movement. Am I going to end up going to hospital triage all the time? I do have a doppler so I've been using that for extra reassurance but I was really hoping to do less of that and monitor movement more as pregnancy progresses. I heard that movement is more important than heart rate as an indicator of health.
June 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
Momh2b - Congrats on the good ultrasound - I'm sure that was a big hurdle for you. With my loss pregnancy, I had an anterior placenta and I felt lots of movement, so I'm sure you'll be able to track movements and won't be impeded by the anterior placenta.
June 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSR
Shelby's mum - Glad to hear your anatomy scan went well for you! I think we are probably close in timelines as we just had ours a couple weeks ago and everything went well with one kidney a little dilated which scared me a lot but MFM and OB aren't concerned about. I also have an anterior placenta which I also had with my son who died at 33 weeks. I have definitely felt more this pregnancy with it but still not a ton yet. As baby gets bigger you will definitely start feeling them way more regularly but I have noticed I used the Doppler more for reassurance as well but have also been told by my OB that it's not as good an indication. You will start feeling this babe more it just takes longer but should be soon within the next 4-5 weeks I would assume. I am hoping for both of us that these babies are movers and shakers and we start feeling them all the time. We don't need anything else to worry us. I have a feeling I will be a frequent at L&D at some point just because I will be worried. PAL can be so difficult!
June 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLachlansmommy
Sorry I read that wrong and was meant for Mom2htb <3
Sending you all so much love and positive vibes!
June 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLachlansmommy
Mom2htb I had 3 anterior placentas! The only one that was not was my last baby and my gosh what a difference! Anterior placenta meant I didn't feel movement until much later and not nearly as strongly as with my last bub. I did feel it as frequently though once we got past about 23 weeks. If you are worried a Doppler might be an option but honestly I felt lots of movement once we got into the third trimester.
June 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Thanks for the reassurances. I have 2 LC and both of them and my stillborn were not anterior placentas and of course with those pregnancies I wasn't nearly as obsessed with movement. Now that I'm paying very close attention, I get an anterior placenta! I have noticed a difference. I remember feeling light kicks at this point in my previous pregnancies but this time it's still flutters. I guess I'll need to get used to what seems normal for this baby and not compare my pregnancies.
June 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
Mom2htb - my placenta is also anterior this time around, I feel lots of movement, he is a strong kicker, though they said some of the litgher movements might sgo unnoticed when the pregnancy is earlier on. I also have a doppler, however I have not used it and plan not to. My OB told me that if I feel like I need to use it for reassurance that something is not wrong I should get my ass to the hospital and get checked out. She stated that I would be grabbing for it because i felt that something is wrong, so go the the hospital adn get a non stress test ultrasound anything, not take it into my own hands. as the girls above said the movement is the indication they want not so much the heartbeat. My OB is pretty frank with me about everything, and was really pissed off that we lost our first at term, she is doing everything she can with this one.

On another note. I cant believe how close I am getting 26 weeks and 2 days. It is amazing how time flies. I have found a few things that I want for this pregnancy over last that i am trying to get my hands on. its amazing after going through post partum before wit no baby, I stll know what I want differently for myself this time around. The nesting effect is strong right now. My poor husband is about to go insane as we start to renovate next week, it came up fast his vacation, and I already have it booked. I just dont want to be living through a reno in aug, I want to relax his week of in aug.

Glad to hear everyone is doing well, and lets go strong into July
June 29, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Hello all-
I just wanted to say I have an anterior placenta this time around, and at 24 weeks I feel a LOT of movement, just not as drastic as when I had the posterior placenta. So don't worry- you still feel a lot of movement- your scale just adjusts.

So today I had a repeat ultrasound at 24 weeks (bc at 20 weeks some things were hard to see, he was moving a lot.) Upsettingly, I found out that when looking at today's US combined with the last two, they are concerned and suspect a transesophageal fistula, and are also unable (still) to see the face and lips clearly. Also there is a higher level of amniotic fluid than they like, and our sons stomach is very small. They will rescan again in 3 weeks and if things still look this way, we get a ticket to the children's hospital. They will do a fetal MRI (sounds scary), and the specialists will plan a delivery and surgery on site at the children's hospital. I'm just in shock. We were also told that this is common in children with Downs Syndrome, but we had the progenity verify test that said everything was normal.

Have any of you experienced or known those who have dealt with false negatives?? I know about false positives and always saw myself falling into that but never the other way around. Doing my own research, I see that there is a 1% false negative rate on downs though. My mind is a blur. If you pray- please pray for us. Please pray the next ultrasound shows everything structurally normal!! We are back on a roller coaster again and my emotions haven't even caught up. I was in the process of going to get to see another dr but the other hospital is not associated with children's, and if we are looking at issues and surgery with our baby I can't imagine being at another facility.

Thinking of you all!
June 30, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterApril
April, I don't have any insight regarding false negatives. But I just wanted to say that I am sorry that the news at your ultrasound was so scary. I still think it is bullshit that the universe doesn't automatically guarantee us healthy, easy pregnancies after loss. I hope that the news at your follow-up u/s is positive.

As for me, I had my first ultrasound last week. According to the dating of the ultrasound, I was only 3 wks when I found out I was pregnant (currently 6w4d). That could be possible, I suppose. But I took a pregnancy test because I thought my period was late, so it just confuses me. With my other pregnancies, the dating never made sense either (for example, with my son, according to the dating of the earlier ultrasounds, I wouldn't have even been pregnant for like a week after I got my first positive test). It doesn't matter a ton, except that they told me before that they don't want me to go past 37wks. That makes me think that 1 week makes a difference...but I also could just be paranoid.

Infuriatingly, I am currently spotting. I have been since Friday. It got worse this morning and I thought I was about to have another early miscarriage, but then it subsided. Hopefully it is nothing. But with my history, it could very likely be another SCH. Ugh.
July 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRuby's Mom
I am slowly feeling more movement but it's so hard to notice while I'm working. My work involves lots of talking, focus, and noise and it's even hard to be still and quiet on my lunch break if my coworkers are around. I'm going on mat. leave for one job in a month and then I'll be down to just 1.5 days a week of work so hopefully I'll have a better time checking movements.

April, my heart goes out to you. I have heard that the #1 hospital for fetal and neonatal surgery is Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Here's hoping that you don't need this information, but if you do, I wanted you to know of this resource.
July 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
Sorry Ladies, thank you so much for the well wishes :) baby is, to date, growing well and I am 10 weeks; had 2 good ultrasounds. Wishing everyone the very best of luck
July 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane