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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > TTC and having a hard time

We lost our 15 month old son, Asher, 5 months ago today. Two months after we lost Asher I got pregnant but sadly miscarried last month at 9 weeks. I had a D&C 5.5 weeks ago and I have not gotten my period yet. It is making me so depressed. It is another reminder that I have no control. I am now dealing with the fact that the timeline will not be what I want it to be. I am 39 and so the timeline is so important and a point of anxiety because I am not young. TTC was the one thing that was pulling us through grief, it gave us something to look forward to. Now I feel stuck. I can't try because I haven't gotten a period. I had a D&C 3 years ago and got my period 4 weeks later and after two cycles went on to get pregnant with Asher. This time around things aren't progressing like they did before and it is making me crazy.
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
Denise, I had a miscarrige last year, at about 9 w too. I had gotten pregnant just in the last month I wanted/needed to avoid being pregnant during the anniversary of my second son. It took me a few weeks to get my period ( about 6 if not more, I think). And I got pregnant the next cycle... with my OB's approvall.
The timeline was not what I hoped... but I survived it, passed his anniversary, his due date, the 34w thrshold,etc. and have my little rainbow...
I think it is just the hormones stabilizing in the midst of all your big emotional turmoil... its normal!
It will happen and you will get pregnant successfully, I am sure.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi Denise,
I don't have much wisdom but wanted to send you a hug. It's rough.
All I'll say is try not to stress too much about your age. Remember while it can feel the longest time ever to wait a couple of months, it really makes no actual difference in terms of your age and risk. Your risk doesn't actually change on the day of your birthday - that's just statistics. And 39 years old is pretty much the same as 39 years, 3 months, 4 months, etc. I know time gets all wobbly when we're in pain and in need of hope. But given this too is out of your control, maybe do stuff that you can only do when you're not pregnant or ttc? camembert. Drink wine. Go on a diet (to each their own!), do strenuous physical activity (zumba?!), get in a sauna or hot tub. Whatever helps your mood and will be a no no once you're pregnant again. It doesn't replace your need to be pregnant but maybe it helps a little bit in the meantime.
Just a thought, feel free to ignore :)
Another hug
May 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hello Denise, I also send you a hug and hopefully, you can feel better soon. I have been TTCing the last three months unsuccessfully. I am now 42 years old and lost my wished second son at 39, 5 weeks due to placenta abruption 8 months ago. I was also concerned about my age but my MFS said, it depends on how you live your life, your new chances to get pregnant. I admit I am frustrated and sad. I asked my doctor fr fertility medicine but I am afraid to take it. I read about herbal supplements as well.. My husband goes 1 month away to work somewhere else and it also changed all my rainbow baby plans. I wish you strenght and send you positive energy to conceive. Do not think about your age...I am 42 years old and still dream about a new chance to bring my living child home.
June 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMiguel Angel's mom