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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > I feel like the wound healed by hope reopens every cycle I'm out

I know its only been 2 months since I've lost my infant son, but every cycle I am out I feel overwhelming depression. I feel like the hope is helping me... but when I know im out of the game for the month, I am on a downward spiral.I know my Mars is not coming back...but he has shown us that my husband and I are meant to be parents together and with this piece missing, we are completely disjointed. We need some hope,
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Hi Jennifer,

I felt like that too earlier this year. Then I got pregnant and then had a miscarriage. The miscarriage made me horribly depressed. Now we are trying again and will know next week if this cycle worked or not. Right now I feel hope but I am sure if it doesn't work I will feel depressed next week. It is so much harder when you are older because you don't have much time and you feel it slipping away with each month. Earlier this year when we had a failed cycle I would be depressed for about a week (during my period) then the next week the hope would start again, then you spend a week trying and then wait. It will go up and down I am sure. Hang in there, this is so hard.
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
Denise - that sounds just like the emotional cycles I have. And with my age, miscarriage is 1 in 3. I feel we have so many hurdles to get through. Mars magically appeared without even trying. we are now doing everything right and nothing is happening for us. Is it my broken heart? It must be. I don't know what else it could be.
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I don't know if this means anything but we got pregnant two months after our son's death. The pregnancy made me even more emotional and I felt guilty like I shouldn't be pregnant. Anyway, I was just getting used to the pregnancy and then miscarriage. I am almost 5 months out since Asher's death and feel I am in a much better place emotionally than I was 2.5 months ago. I still have bad days but I feel more stability. I am hoping that helps with getting pregnant. I try to find other projects to give me something to accomplish while we try to get pregnant. Losing weight, taking exercise classes, remodeling our bathroom, etc. These are all small things but they get me to the next moment.
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
I know I have a shattered heart and fight back tears every day... sometimes I don't fight them...I just started to run again this morning...I stopped running completely since this happened, too many triggers ouside...I spent my whole pregnancy and time with Mars walking all over our city...I know seeing my bereavement therapist weekly and running daily will help my mindset. I do have an appt on May 20th with a fertility accupuncturist and also an appt on June 2 at a fertility clinic. Having those appts in my back pocket also give me some hope. My husband tells me it will take time for each of us to be in the right head space, and reminds me that when we conceived our surprise lovechild we were on top of the world. I'm sure my body is experiencing a physiological change due to all the sadness and grief. With 40 in the rear view window and getting further and further away, I know I don't have the whole world in front of me. I wish you so much luck with getting pregnant soon.
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I wish you both the best from the bottom of my broken heart. I have been trying two months without luck. I feel like you, guy, feel. Exactly the same. A bit hopeless, a bit sad and disappointed when I got my April cycle. I am checking if I start taking supplements for fertility, I do not have any experience with anything like that but I try... I did not need them with Miguel. As you, Jeniffer I did not expect him, he was a miracle :)
I took some genetic test last week and see the MFS again on the 8th. A new cycle starts and we keep the hope. I send you both good vibes. I start my fertile window in two days. Let's see what this month brings. I close my eyes and see the face of Miguel, I can still smell his scent...it makes me feel better.
Jenniffer, good luck with your fertility accupunturist.
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMiguel Angel's mom