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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > May Pregnancy Thread

Hi all,

I thought I would start a new pregnancy thread for May. I know this is a big month for many of you.

I am hanging in there. I am 31 weeks pregnant today, and am mostly doing okay. Next week are start having non stress tests/ultrasounds twice a week, so I am hoping the extra monitoring will feel reassuring. I was reading a regular birth board where women were stating their birth plan preferences, and it felt so foreign/a life time ago., as they wrote all about their ideal natural non-interventionist births. I am still not sure what my birth plan is. For now, it is just to continue to get through each day. As Sidney's birthday approaches (May 4th), I imagine my anxiety will intensify. Today, a colleague told me that he didn't understand why my grief lasted so long. So that was fun. Anyway, I hope you are all hanging in there.

May 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
Thanks for starting the May thread Dena. I can't believe May is here and I am still pregnant. My monitoring increased a lot over the past few weeks (I have obstetric APS), and it really has provided so much reassurance. As I'm having a planned cesarean in 2 weeks, I decided to pack my hospital bag over the weekend...I'm slightly terrified about going into early labour. Packing my stuff was fine but packing baby's was hard as it was all the same things I used for Hunter's hospital bag. Decided to buy some new things to try and separate the two. Will be thinking of you this week as Sidney's birthday approaches. And WOW your colleague sounds like a jerk.
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Hello lovely mamas!
How are you all?

Shannon, Michelle and Arav's mom... it is jus a few more days! Lots and lots of of soothing and calming vibes to help you deal with the anxiety and somemixed feelings that may come now and again!

Abby, it was so good to hear from you... How was the scan? I hope everything was looking fine! I know how much you must have been dreading it... lots and lots of calming peaucefull and happy thoughs going your way as Luke's birthday approaches... We kind of met in the weeks before Pedro's 2nd birthday and I remember how awfull it was and how much this thread, and you, helped me... Thinking of you!

Emily, I'm due replying you for more than a month... it was unlucky finding out the gender, but you must see that you would eventually find out when you changed a diapper ( ;p )... One must look at the bright side of things, at least the report didn't smell bad and you will be prepared against the amazing showers only little boys can make... I think they assume we don't bathe enough! My oldest was a girl, so I had only heard about!
Seriously, now, it is natural to feel a little disappointment... normal mums also feel it, they just don't have such a big emotional train to carry, with all the idiotic guilty thoughts that come whenever it feels like we are not overcomed with joyfull feelings about our still unborn children... but we will love them despite all... with or without penises.

To all of you mamas
Lots of positiveness and happy thoughts going your ways, to keep sanity and deal with this beautifull monthto be pregnant

Much love
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
HI Ladies, I cant believe three of your due dates/induction dates are right around the corner, congrats to you all and positive vibes flowing your way.

Have any of you suffered from depression throughout this pregnancy? I know the anxiety piece is there for all of us, as it rightfully is. But I feel depressed. I feel like I am on the outside and just about to have a breakdown. I am tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. I could care less about going to work, I only want to focus on my baby and our health. I am going to get written off of work. I feel like ptsd is straddling my shoulders and wants to make its presence known and I dont want to have a melt down at work.

I have made an appoitment with a counselor and then have gotten a referral to a physchiatrist to help me get off of work.

Any tips?
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Still0517 - I have not experienced depression during this pregnancy and I've frankly been surprised because I had horrible depression during my pregnancy that resulted in stillbirth. Even though I straddle two mental worlds - the one in which I'm gripped with fear that tragedy could strike twice (I know it's not impossible) and the one in which I'm so incredibly thrilled to be pregnant - overall the gratitude for the pregnancy is winning out. One thing that has saved my sanity is my doppler. I can now quickly find the heartbeat so now I listen to it daily, just barely long enough to check that the heart is still beating. I do it before bed so I can go to sleep happy. I assembled a bit of a support crew for this pregnancy. I see a therapist weekly and I meet up with another baby loss mom who has had a rainbow baby weekly. I switched Drs offices and it's a small practice so I feel like everyone knows my story and is rooting hard for me.

I am worried about how I will hold up emotionally for the anatomy scan in 6 weeks. Hopefully seeing a baby moving around in there will be helpful and the memories triggered of seeing my baby's heart still on the ultrasound won't lead me to panicking on the table. Any advice for this one? I wish I could take a dose of a benzodiazepine so I could be mildly sedated for it. Being a member of the baby loss community has made me aware of 1001 bad things that could be revealed during this ultrasound which of course adds to my anxiety.

I'm 12.5 weeks and I still haven't announced this pregnancy to anyone aside from my parents, brother, and a handful of close friends. I should probably tell my bosses, right? I'm just really not ready for this pregnancy to be discussed out in the open and subject to other's thoughts on it.
May 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
Hi still0517, I was depressed during my rainbow pregnancy with my son and I took zoloft until he was about 1. It really helped. My MFM put it this way: what are you like without the meds? it's better for you and baby if you're not so depressed that you can't leave the house, meet a friend for tea, and just take good care of yourself. Take the lowest dose possible that works for you. sending you a big hug.

Mom2htb, I think we told 2 very close friends early on in our rainbow pregnancy but we didn't tell even our families until 20 weeks and then we only told other friends if we saw them in person. Everyone else found out when we sent out a birth announcement. We did send a letter/email to friends and family when we started ttc explaining what happened with our daughter in more detail, how stressful a subsequent pregnancy would be, and asking them to not ask about it, make any remarks, or anything unless we brought it up ourselves. We also asked them not to be offended if they only found out about the baby when he/she came home with us, alive and well! People appreciated us telling them what we wanted.
May 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Thank you for your reponses. I don't want to go on meds. I just feel not being at work and taking care of only myself my husband and baby will help alot.

I have had two ultrasounds and they were amazing to see that little nugget and it's heart beating. I thought I would have more trouble with it but they were very exciting and definitely helped ease mine and my husbands mind.

We only told those who really were going to be supportive of us. I still haven't told many at work. Only those who matter most to me. My manager has known pretty much since the beginning. Any one else just looks at my little tummy and no one asks which is nice.

Tell those you want when you want. It's hard. Talk to those you know will be there for you and know will not ask too many questions. I found this the best. We are 18 weeks today
May 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterStill0517
I think I'm dreading getting further along because I work in healthcare and my job involves seeing a steady stream of patients. I average 24 patients a day and I work three days a week. Few of the patients repeat. A number were patients of mine during my pregnancy that ended in stillbirth but I would guess they are in the minority. So it'll be a whole lot of "Congratulations! When are you due? Boy or girl? How many kids?" I work one job one of the days and I'm in another office the other two. I think I might stop the one day a week job at around 28 weeks so perhaps I can hide under a lab coat and avoid pregnancy chatter at that job. I plan to talk with my therapist about coming up with a script for the frequently asked pregnancy questions so I can mentally detach and go into auto pilot mode.

Kind of unrelated, one of my patients today was a former L&D nurse. My assistant asked her if she liked it and she was all "it was great because the mothers were so happy" and I muttered under my breath "yeah sometimes." My assistant gave me a supportive look like I totally heard that. I guess she's one of my patients that doesn't know my story.
May 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
Just a short note to say happy birthday Sidney. Sending you lots of love Dena.
May 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Hi all,
I am happy for all of you here. I need to tell someone who understands. I gave birth to my sons at 21 weeks and sent them to s was 5 months ago. I am 5 weeks pregnant with their sibling. I am nervous and excited, but deep inside I feel doubt. I am sad that I have this feeling, and wish I didn't. This will be my third baby, and second pregnancy. I try to talk positively to myself, and it helps temporarily. I am taking each day one step at a time.
I am wishing us all well wishes. Xoxoxo
May 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
Wow what a busy thread already! Happy May everyone!

Dena - Sending you lots of love today and thinking of your beautiful Sidney.

Shannon - we are almost there! Packing hospital bags is one of the last things I have to do as well. I haven't started yet but I have been thinking a lot about it. Like you, packing the bag for my daughter is going to be the hardest. With my loss, I had already packed both a bag for myself and for my son before we lost him. When we left for the hospital, we knew he was gone so I had to leave his hospital bag behind. I still have the unopened diapers, wipes etc that were meant for him, and it rips me apart to remember having to unpack that bag without my son here and fills me with such anxiety thinking about doing it again. 13 more sleeps until my C Section.....I just need to get there! Last weekend was really rough for me. I went to labour and delivery 2 days in a row. The first day, I felt movement, but it was just different. I felt I needed to get checked before something tragic happened. I was monitored for a bit then sent home. The next day I sat down to do my kick counts and wasn't feeling anything...I tried to use my home doppler but had trouble finding the heart beat and my anxiety took over big time. I just knew (or thought I knew at the time) that she was gone. It took me right back to last year. I became hysterical and told my husband that it was happening again and all the way to the hospital I had my hands on my stomach waiting to feel something....nothing. It was just like the ride last year and so so scary. It wasn't until we got in the hospital and were waiting to be seen that she finally moved. The day after was my regular weekly OB appointment. I just sat in her office and cried, told her about my weekend and my growing anxiety. My doctor is hesitant to take her out any earlier, but really wants to do whatever she can for me. She has me going for daily non stress tests now (instead of weekly) and so far that is helping.

Still0517 - I suffer from anxiety and all my life have struggled with mental health issues. Until recently I have kept them to myself and only started seeing a psychologist a few months before my loss and I am glad I did. I am not sure I would have sought help after my loss if I didn't already have a doctor I was seeing. I am so glad I have found a doctor I can trust and I find going to sessions so helpful. I am a teacher and this year I had a very challenging, busy kindergarten class. When I became pregnant, my family and doctor were worried about my mental health and also some aggressive behaviours in my classroom. I felt I had a duty to protect the students but was putting myself in possible harms way daily. By 20 weeks I was having so much anxiety over my pregnancy and flashbacks to my stillbirth, that coupled with my work environment, I was really not in a good place. My doctor wrote me a note to stop work in Jan and it was the best decision I ever made. Being at home has allowed me to work on getting my anxiety under control (or at least try) and take care of myself. Good luck!

Mom2htb- Good luck at your scan. They can bring so much anxiety. As far as announcing your pregnancy that is a very personal decision. In the early days I told the people I felt I needed to so I could lean on them for support - our parents, my best friend and I did tell my work because I needed them to support me and I was gone a lot for appointments. Even now at 36 weeks (tomorrow) we have never officially announced. We have told friends we see regularly but many in our outer circle don't know if we haven't seen them over the last 8 months.

Sending everyone wishes for a calm, peaceful and healthy May.
May 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Hi all,

Yet again I feel like the weeks & months are just whizzing past, it's crazy.

Still0517, I'm glad to hear the ultrasounds are bringing you comfort. I felt the same way, especially around 18 - 20 weeks when my anxiety was not great. We also didn't tell people until we were ready, or I was visibly pregnant. In fact, because I'm not on Facebook and have keep very private, many people have no idea I'm even pregnant. Self-protection is important in times like this.

Mom2htb, sounds like a tough situation with your work/pregnancy-related questions. I quit my full time job after my third loss in 2015, and started my own thing last year. I thought I would escape the awkward questions but I still get them all the time! It's usually people trying to be friendly, "do you know what you're having?" followed by "is this your first??" I find myself on high alert and have to gage each situation individually in order to answer a) no my first baby died or b) yes this is my first. It can be so exhausting.

Stephanie, welcome.. I'm so sorry about your two sons and am sending you gentle congrats for this pregnancy. This thread has been a lifeline for me these past 7 or 8 months and I hope it brings you the same comfort and support.

Michelle, I've been thinking about you a lot! How has your anxiety been? You did the right thing going in to hospital when you felt worried. I did the same thing around 22 weeks and found it so reassuring. Even though Hunter died in the hospital, I also have fleeting moments when I panic that my little girl hasn't moved for a while, but then she usually give a little kick or push. I'm on tenderhooks though, expecting something to go wrong and having to rush to hospital at any given time. I'm trying to stay relaxed but part of me just wants to move into the hospital and wait there until my c-section! Did you get around to packing your hospital bag? I've found that when I'm feeling a bit low or unsure about everything, it can help to buy something nice for my impending arrival. I don't have much stuff but have picked up some cute little pinafores and things. It gives me hope.

I find it so hard to believe that in a little over a week, I'll be going into the hospital to have my little girl. I've been pretty exhausted so trying to get what I need done in the mornings. It can drag the day out a bit but I'd rather be at home resting than running around. My folks are arriving on Friday to stay with us for 2 weeks. They have been amazing support these past few years and I think that once they're here, it will all feel even more real. I have to go into the hospital Thurs & Fri for final growth scan and to get my steroid injections for baby's lungs. I'm trying to stay calm and congratulate myself for getting this far. Come next Tuesday, I will be ready to hand myself and my trust over to the professionals and just hope that it all works out.

Thinking of you all and sending love from London.
May 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Hi beautiful ladies,

How is everyone coping? Michelle, Shannon... You're so close!! Keep doing what you're doing, you're almost there. Don't worry if you need to go into hospital every day for reassurance. During my last week, I arranged for non stress test/ ctg monitoring every day, including weekends. That's what I needed and my doctor was amazing and authorised it all. We'll be thinking of you!!!

Welcome Stephanie! I hope you're feeling OK and not too pukey :)

Mom2htb, I didn't have a white coat but it was winter and I stopped working in April (30 weeks). I wore baggy clothes and ignored everyone. I think people thought I was being too generous with the cake eating up until two weeks before I left or so. I hope your therapist helps you come up with some good answers. I found 'I'd rather not talk about it' and switching topics (attention back to the person asking) a bit of a conversation stopper but did the job. Given you ARE working when you should haven the freedom to do whatever you needed in an ideal world, I think it's a fair compromise :)

still0517, how are you feeling? I wasn't medically depressed during my pregnancy after Maia but I had counselling throughout. I'm still in counselling, almost a year since Mirko was born. Have you seen the counsellor or psychiatrist now? Are there any local group of bereaved parents? I can totally relate to the lack of enthusiasm at work. It's so hard. I know things are different in the States... Can you be signed off work by your doctor? Maybe for a couple of weeks to mentally regroup?
Needless to say, we're all here for you. Post as often as you need.

Sorry must make dinner now. Hope you're all OK.

Sending mountains of love
May 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Thanks Gaby - still in shock that I actually made it this far! I had my final growth scan today and baby is measuring great, she's 6lbs 11ozs which I'm pretty happy with. My son Hunter was 6lbs 6ozs and he was full term so he's sister being bigger must be a good thing. Although we never found a cause for his death (however now my drs think it was undiagnosed obstretic APS), his being smaller than average probably didn't help.

I had the first of my steroid injections after the scan today, and go back for second one tomorrow. Plus I'll be doing my pre-assessment for the caesarean. My folks arrive tomorrow too so I imagine it will feel even more real then! They are going to help get Hunter's baby stuff out of storage as it's all been put away for last three years. I think I will find it sad to see all the things I bought for him, but I'm also so happy his sister will be able to use them. After so many losses, I genuinely didn't think I'd make it this far! Roll on Tuesday... I'm ready as I'll ever be.

Sending love to you and everyone else.
May 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
hi Shannon and MIchelle, so close, thinking of you too this week and into next! I hope everything goes smoothly for both of you and those babies arrive safely.

I went and saw a counselor last night, felt good to talk about a few frustrations that I have kept buried inside for almost a year now. Feeling a small amount better, next week is our anatomy scan which I am looking forward to and excited to find out what we are having. so It will be good news the day after also our babies first heavenly birthday. I am not too sure what to do yet, I know we are just going to be together no family stuff, I am so private adn just want to grief and celebrate being parents with my husband.
May 11, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Still0517 - I'm glad you found talking with the counselor to be helpful. I hope your ultrasound is uneventful for all the right reasons. Your birthday idea to keep it just you and your husband sounds great. From going to support groups I've discovered that many people who planned something with extended friends and family ended up frustrated by how these other people acted and were disappointed by them. My son's birthday will be here in a few weeks and I'm planning to plant some flowers next to his memorial tree and perhaps buy some cupcakes.
May 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
Hi Everyone, just checking in. I am hanging in there. Since starting daily non stress tests I am feeling better, but I am still in disbelief that on Wednesday I am going to walk into the hospital for my C Section. I find myself most anxious at night time as I am falling asleep and in the morning when I wake up, I just wait to feel my daughter before I can even get out of bed. I still have not packed my hospital bag yet, I will try to do that on Monday probably.
Short post today, but wanted to say hello and hope everyone is doing well! Thinking of you both Still0517 and Mom2htb as you approach birthdays.
May 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Michelle I know exactly how you's all very surreal isn't it? I didn't really sleep at all Thurs and Fri night but think that was because of the steroids. I finally slept last night but have been feeling a bit anxious today. It's just so overwhelming...I've developed a painful varicose vein behind my right leg and it's making these last few days uncomfortable. My folks are here and have been great, yesterday we got all of Hunter's things from storage - it's all been packed away for three years - his Moses basket, buggy, car seat etc. I'm grateful to have it all but it's also a sharp reminder of what I lost, and how quickly it can all go wrong. Anyway, I'm just going through the motions... trying to do normal things and not obsess about Tuesday.

Still0517, I'm glad you found comfort talking to a counselor. I have leaned on my counselor a lot these past three years and she has been particularly helpful with this pregnancy. My husband and I also tend to remember Hunter's birthday together as we are also rather private.

Thinking of you all,
May 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Hi All,

Shannon and Michelle: You are almost there! I am sending all good vibes for an easy and peaceful delivery of your children. Please keep us updated!

Sending love to everyone who had birthdays/has birthdays coming up. It was so hard to go through Arav's birthday, especially the weeks leading up to it. My husband and I spent it together and toasted to the joy of getting the chance to have Arav in our life for a short while.

Thanks for the encouragement, Marta. You always have such positive words. For me it's two weeks and two days until my planned induction. I had a couple of scares and went in for an extra non-stress-test, but everything is fine with the baby and I am starting to hope that I will have a little girl at home soon. Anxiety and anticipation are increasing. They have me come in for check-ups twice a week and that helps a lot to calm my nerves. After a couple of weeks in which I was not doing well emotionally, I am in a pretty good place now.

Reading all your stories and your words of encouragement helps so much to get through this!
May 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom
Michelle, Shannon..... Sending loads of love, as much peace as possible and continued strength for the days ahead. You've got this. We're all with you.
Big hugs
May 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Thank you for the well wishes. I enjoy reading everyone's posts and find comfort in knowing it wouldn't be insane if I camped outside the emergency room just in case. Not that I'm at that point, but knowing it's ok if I am. i have come to a good place where I can speak freely about my sons and know without a doubt this baby will never be a bandaid, just another member of the family. I have few symptoms yet, but I'm 7 weeks. We go for our first ultrasound tomorrow.
Well wishes to all you mamas and peaceful thoughts. Thank you for the continued support. Xoxoxo
May 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
Michelle and Shannon, I will be thinking of you both in the next few days. Welcome, Stephanie.
I am feeling panicked today. I am 33 weeks, and had a NST and a fluid check. Everything with the NST looked good, but my fluid levels are quite high, at 27 cm. The MFM doctor does not seem particularly worried and just said we would keep monitoring them, but I am scared that it is a sign of a birth defect or some other serious problem, or could mean more complications in labor. So I am feeling nervous. And I don't have another growth ultrasound until 36 weeks.
My mind is obsessing a bit with all the things that could go wrong.
Hope you are all well.

May 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
Good luck for your ultrasound, Stephanie! I will be thinking of you. I was so nervous and because of scheduling issues I had to wait until almost 10 weeks for the first ultrasound. I got a doppler, because I couldn't wait so long without going crazy. Please let us know how it goes!
May 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom

I'm sorry the scan left you worried. From my own experience, fluid level measurements are a bit iffy. It really depends on the position of the baby as they measure, the amount of fluid you drank that day, and the skill of the sonographer. I had one low fluid measurement at 36 weeks that sent me into a panic. I ended up being rescanned by another professional at my hospital at my request (I called my midwife to tell her I was really worried) and paid for a private ultrasound too. I know it can be a sign of complications and we've been through enough so sometimes the fact the docs are not worried is not enough to reassure us. Can you ask for a quick fluid check before the next growth ultrasound? For your peace of mind? Or maybe have another chat with your doc and ask her why she isn't worried - it might help.
Sending love
May 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
one of the times I went to the emergencies (i was just panicking and it was nothing at all) the doctor who did me a quick scan said my placenta was thick and that was no so good because it could be indicative that it was not working properly so it might have become larger to counterbalance it. Since I had had a previous placental abruption, that made me go mad with anxiety and fear.
When I went to my ob, who is a very skilled ecographer she looked at it and said it was normal and fine.
Another time the nurses doppler indicated an increased heart rate... but after 15 min it was all normal!
Sometimes it is just as Gaby said, in a second scan it might look fine...
For us, everything is a huge threat... it does not mean you should not care... of course you should, but be gentle and kind to yourself. It will be ok!
I am confident it will!

For Michelle and Shannon, this is it! I know that you will stress up to the last minute, but it will be fine and you will have your little girls looking at you in no time! Just relax and enjoy in full the end of this long journey and the beggining of the next, which will be filled with happiness... (I did not take my own advice and was fretting all the way untill I heard him cry!)

Mom2thb and Still0517, I have spent my son's two birthdays just with my husband... we throw three white roses to the sea, in remembrance, one from me, one from daddy and one from his sister. We have a miniature cake with candles and end the celebration when we blow the candle out. It is our private moment... to think about what should have been.This year it felt different because we had our rainbow on the way.... We don't plan in advance, just do what feels right at the moment.
I hope you have a peacefull and beautifull day!

To all you mamas, the cóntnuing of a beautifull calm month of pregnancy
May 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Thanks Gaby and Marta. I am a little calmer now, but I just feel frustrated and unsupported by the OB. I called and left a message asking if I could schedule an extra growth ultrasound at 34 weeks, and check to see if the baby is swallowing fluid etc, and her assistant called back and said that she said no, because it was unnecessary. It may be unnecessary, but if it's not dangerous and it calms me down, they should let me do it. It is really hard for me to ask for things in the first place, and now I just feel bad and upset. Thursday I have another NST and fluid check, so I think I'll wait till then to see what's going on, but if it's still high, I will try to insist (although how I do that, I do not know). Anyway, thanks for your support.

May 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
My advise Dena is to simply be blunt and be less polite. Just remind your OB why you are so scared and stressed with this pregnancy.
You can't imagine how many times I was the most rude and agressive patient, but I would never hold down when they started sying dumb things like "if you have not lost blood than its ok... there is no risk of abruption".
I was in the same hospital and would not forget to remind them out loud my son had died there, without any warnings.

So if you have your check up next week, that is good... try to stay calm as much as possible and when you are there explain/remind them of your tragic history and why you really need to understand everything.
If you feel you can't say it out loud, try writing a note that you give your OB personally at your appointment or ask your husband to tell it. It worked for me when I could not stand the chitchat of the nurses.
Sending positive vibes your way...
May 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Oh that's just rubbish of them Dena, I'm sorry you have to endure this on top of everything else.
I second Marta's screw it attitude :) do you have an advocate for you over there? I'm in the UK and had the most amazing bereavement midwife that helped sort through this type of thing. When she wasn't available (say, 3am panic) and I couldn't find my angry, I could always find my tears... And they worked, because they were sincere. Because our children died last time and we have to do everything in our power to feel we're protecting their siblings. Say that and if they don't react, jeez... Tell them you'll lodge a formal complaint. Appeal to their humanity first (ie, you are bereaved). If they have none, then go for the complaint. At least tell them that and you can decide later if you have the energy to actually do it.

Back to your original concern, I understand from your latest post that they are checking fluid this week, they're just not doing a growth scan? If so, I think that is correct, hon. Growth scans have loads of error (check out a printout if you have one, it's usually like +/-300 grams out of a weight of 2kg or something like that. Like lots of error!!). The guidelines for interpreting them are based on 14 - 21 days intervals. If you were to do them every week, they just don't know what to do with the data!! It's absurd but sadly it's the way it is. Very few doctors are scientists, too, so very few understand what the stats mean, among other things.
Anyway, long story short :
1. Get them to explain stuff to you until you feel calm and confident. It's part of their job. And you deserve it.
2. If they are measuring fluid this week, that's great stuff.
3. We're here cheering for you :)

Love and strength to you
May 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
The appointment was called a "confirmation of pregnancy" where they would have just done a pregnancy test, but my doctor did a 6 week ultrasound. I held my breath the whole time. Last initial ultrasound, there were two babies. Today there is one. My husband said one is more manageable, and he was relieved. I felt angry. After trying to place the feeling, I know it comes from not seeing my boys on that screen like I always did. I am happy to be pregnant again and to be able to grow our baby, but it doesn't make me miss my boys any less. If anything, I miss them more. I hope Im not alone in this feeling.
My sign for my sons are bluebirds. As I hike sometimes they fly by me, always in pairs. Today I asked for a sign, and in our ultrasound room was a calendar with two bluebirds sitting on a branch. I know my babies are happy for me. So I will try to be happy as well.
May 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
Hi ladies,

I will write more soon but wanted to tell you that our baby girl, Havana, was born by ceserean section on Tuesday 16 May, just before 10am. It was a really positive experience and we are both doing good. We were discharged from hospital yesterday and just had our first night at home. She is simply beautiful and Hunter would be so proud of her.

May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Oh, Shannon, I am so happy for you!
Finally, she is here with you! Big big congratulations to you and your little Havana! I am sure Hunter is looking down on you, happy that you too are happy!
I hope she is very sweet and gives you good nights all too soon!
Enjoy every minute... they grow so so fast!
Everyday is something new!

Stephanie, gentle congratulations... it is normal to expect exactly the same as before, to feel disapointed and scared at times... much happiness to you...

much love to you all
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Congratulations Shannon! I am so happy to hear of Havana's arrival. What wonderful news!

All the best!
Emily BW
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
That is just brilliant news, Shannon!!! So happy for you.
You went home super quick... Remember to be gentle with yourself. Ask for help from everyone, now is the time for getting to know Havana and rest whenever you can.
Sending hugs. So happy for you :)
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi Everyone, I hope to have more time to read everyone's posts soon and catch up on all that has been happening. Just a quick note to say congrats to Shannon and family on the birth of Havana.
Our Hannah (close in names!) Was born via c section yesterday (the 17th) at 8:30am. Weighing 7lbs 6oz and healthy! We are over joyed and hope to go home tomorrow. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Yay Michelle!!!!!! I was waiting for your post, so glad everything went well. Don't worry about catching up, enjoy Hannah and get some rest when you can.
Sending so much love
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Michelle and Shannon,

So happy for both of you.

May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
I am so pleased for you both and Marta - it gives me hope too xxx
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKE
Michelle, l am so happy for you! Huge congratulations!
A beautifull name, for a beautiful baby girl...
Enjoy every moment!
much love
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Michelle and Shannon--welcome to your sweet little ones. Sending you lots of love.
May 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Hi ladies,

Well that was an exciting week!!!!

How is everyone else doing? Dena, I've been thinking of you. How did the nst and fluid check go?
Stephanie, how are you feeling, love? It's such a hard journey, isn't it? So glad the little birds brought you comfort.

Still0517 how did the ultrasound go?
Arav's mom, one more week before your induction if my calculations are correct. How are you holding up?

Sending love and positivity to all...
May 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Thanks everyone, this thread has been such a lifeline for me...the support and hope we all offer each other is so special.

Michelle, congrats on the birth of Hannah! I am so happy for you! It's been so comforting being on such a similar timeline for our daughter's pregnancies.

Sending lots of love to you all,
May 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Shannon and Michelle, congratulations on the safe arrival of your little babies, Havana and Hannah! I am so happy for you!!!

Gaby: Yes, a little more than a week. The induction is scheduled for May 30. I am doing quite well. I'm nervous but also getting excited. I am so glad to read positive stories here. It helps me to hold onto hope that this time will be different.

Sending hugs to everyone!
May 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom
Hi Ladies!!

My heart is so full of joy hearing about the happy arrivals of Havana and Hannah! And more on the way! Seriously, hearing this good news is what my heart needed to hear. JOY! I'm so happy for all of you, I wish I could see your sweet babies. Sending you and your littles TONS of love!

I am 18 weeks pregnant... and I still can't believe it. Over the last month or so I keep almost forgetting I'm pregnant, assuming I'm going to lose this baby too. We found out we are having another little boy! History repeated itself again. Once again, I was CERTAIN I was pregnant with a girl... and was wrong. I have been wrong with every one of the four babies I have carried long enough to learn the gender, so it seems appropriate. My last baby, my little guy Peter died, at 27 weeks... and this time around I thought it was a girl. (I am one of those people who genuinely says that they aren't hoping for a specific gender and means it). And each time I have found out, I was wrong, but immediately filed with joy. This time, when I found out I was carrying a boy, I felt grief stricken. It made it more real-more possible that things could go wrong again, I suppose. I'm so excited to meet him, and have been feeling him move. Wow, so many emotions. I'm just overwhelmed! I can't believe I'm actually pregnant. Will I really bring this baby boy home? I got a doppler and have been playing with it. Everything is getting so real! This can actually happen!

I have been getting care from my same MFM that took us through the last devastating pregnancy. Before we tried again, we saw him to make sure it would be an ok thing, and to gauge what we should expect if we were to get pregnant. I had a low vertical emergency c section last time, and had two normal full term vaginal deliveries previously. My MFM said at that consult, that he would be ok with me doing a VBAC trial if everything went well. Jump forward a few months- when we were pregnant. At that appointment the same doctor said that "as we discussed before, we would do a planned C-Section at 35 weeks" Every time I see him, I hear something different. "Maybe I would consider the CSection later, say 37 weeks top." The last appointment, his fellow was there with him. I had expressed I would like some more information, about the possibility of a VBAC, and she said, "OH, no way, we have to be so careful with your history, we will do everything to have your baby delivered safely". When my actual doctor came in, I asked him about delivery and he chuckled and said "well... this is a total different pregnancy and I don't want you to worry or stress about that. We have a long time." I have had a totally normal pregnancy, with no bleeding or anything.

At my Genetics US and screening- I think that was 12 weeks- I got a HUGE surprise and found out that my doctor, unbeknownst to me, had ordered the ultrasound as a twin scan. WHAT? The radiologist doctor came in and solemnly broke the news to me that they could only find one baby. I'm like, what>? I only ever knew there was 1, saw that there was 1, at the first early US at 6 weeks. Apparently my doctor saw something, didn't say anything, and ordered it like that. Apparently the potentntial "second baby" that I was not told about was never there- there was a small fluid pocket (subchorionic hemorrhage- which is what caused a lot/eventually the abruption in which I lost my last son). My MFM I regularly see saw something on the US that he suspected was either the hemorrhage or a twin pregnancy, and decided to order my genetic US the way he did so we could figure out what it was. But he did not deem it important enough to tell me about. I was SOOO upset/angry/emotional about this.

At the next appointment I tried my best to keep my emotions calm and confront him about not telling me something was going on. He said that was annoyed at the ultrasound tech, who should not have told me how the US was ordered. And that he didn't mention the fluid pocket to me because he didn't consider it concerning. I reiterated to him that I am a patient who needs ALL of the information-especially because I am a nurse and my last baby died from a subchorionic hemorrhage that didn't resolve. (It turned into an all out abruption). He repeated back that of course he remembers that, but they (hemorhages) usually resolve, and that he would always tell me if he thought there was a problem. And kept saying over and over that this is a different pregnancy. But then continued to say I need to not stress and worry. And that he would have never said anything to me if he saw that on the ultrasound screen himself. (Whereas at the ultrasound, a different MFM thought I defiantly needed to know). I am so mad that I was crying and seemed emotional-it really felt like I was just being emotional/pregnant lady rather than intelligent patient who wants/demands good care and information. I don't feel like my doctor is going to be honest with me. And he keeps changing his mind about delivery with no new information or reasoning that he has provided to me. However, he does seem like a very smart doctor and knows my complicated history very well. He went through the last traumatic pregnancy with us. The last two times I have been in, I have tried scheduling with other MFM doctors in the group. I get a phone call the next day being notified by a secretary that I have been moved back to him. (He said that I am an interesting case/patient). I want to see a different doctor and get another opinion or two. I am happy to do whatever I need to to keep my baby and I safe, but it feels impossible. The doctor I see is high up, has clout, and only 1 clinic day a month that he saves for his interesting patient load. The rest of the time he is lecturing, and working on the hospital floor. Even IF I could see another MFM in the practice, since he is high up I suspect everyone would parrot him. I want to see another more removed doctor.

I did a lot of looking and another hospital nearby has a great MFM practice, and there is a doctor that I want to see. I called to set it up, and apparently I need a referral from my current MFM to see anybody at this other practice. Isn't that crazy? I just want the best care and council for my baby. I don't feel like I can necessarily trust my doctor I have. If I ask for another MFM referral, I'm afraid I may burn the bridge with the doctor I have. (And asking for a referral sounds terrible, it was crazy hard to ask my doctor why he didn't tell me he thought he saw twins...)
My husband wants the best for us too, and its been a minefiled of emotions for both of us us dealing with this pregnancy, let alone the stupid antics of dealing with this doctor. (I was told I would be notified of genetics results by a lab tech by two weeks out, but wasn't. I called the lab, and they said I had a hold on my file, that they could't release my results to me, and was told my doctor wanted to see me in person for results. We tried not to freak out but were bracing for really bad news-and found out later my doctor has flagged my file so that only he can give results, ect.) Three agonizing days later, I found out our baby is TOTALLY fine, and healthy, PTL. I spent a year loving this doctor and being so thankful he was there to support us through a tough pregnancy and bad outcome, and am having a hard time dealing with how awful he seems during this pregnancy. I mean, it's the same person! I may want to stick with him if I don't like another doctor- and the facility my current doctor is with is the place considered most gold standard.

Sorry all of that venting! I see my regular MFM again this Thursday. Positive thoughts and prayers appreciated. I really need the confidence and calm collected me to advocate for my baby and I need to respectfully without stepping on toes- ask for a referral to another MFM outside of his practice and at another hospital. I do not enjoy confrontation- and this situation- even thinking about it makes me feel so anxious. If you're a praying person, please pray for me there. I'm worried I will get emotional, anxious, and just cry. The last visit when I tried asking him about why he did't tell me about a potential twin or another bleed, the words got out between sobs, but I probably sounded like the irrational one. Nothing like sobbing about feelings as a pregnant lady to a doctor who thinks you are already just too 'stressed' and anxious about a pregnancy. I'm doing ok with that, just stressed about the medical care and counseling I am getting!! I need to be cool, calm, serious, and have a real conversation with my doctor. Any tips for how to do that? I am good at helping other people talk to their doctors. I just don't know how to do this for me. I am seriously considering typing up a script, or handing over a paper with a typed list of things that I need. Is that too much?

Have any of you ever done the second/third opinion from other doctors before? I feel like I deserve to decide which doctor I see. And to have a doctor who will be up front and honest with me, and willing to communicate, not try to protect me by not providing information that may be stressful or not. I have lost a baby. I have been the small awful statistic. I do not want a doctor to treat me with kid gloves. I had to go through many hoops to get my doppler (I got a free rental from a company that provides them to baby lost parents, just needed an RX. My doctor did not want to do this because he thought it would be really stressful-and there since there is no interventions, he said I could only get it if I promised not to use it before 24 weeks. Keep in mind I'm a nurse, and it does not take a genius to figure out how to use one.) Has anybody else dealt with a doctor like this before?? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Anyway! I'm doing well, my baby is looking great, and I'm so happy and joyful that you ladies are on this journey with me. We can do this! I am dreaming about holding my rainbow boy in my arms!!
May 21, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterapril
Congratulations Shannon and Michelle! thank you for keeping us all up to date. so glad on the safe arrival of those baby girls.

april. I am glad you are looking into a new doctor, as I was reading your story I was shaking my head and was hoping you would be looking into getting another dr. just say to your dr you dont think you are seeing eye to eye and need trasnparency through this pregnancy and you are not getting that from him and get that referral. I think he should understand. It is unfortunate and I am saddened to hear he is being no less than a jerk.

Gaby - our us went well, i wasnt that nervous about it. we found out the gender but I will annouce later, just i case someone nosy comes along and finds this post. we are doing a gender reveal next weekend. it was a long us though my ob ordered a uterine atrerial study to assess blood flow. she is checking all the boxes she can for me. I just love her.

hearing about those little girls coming into the world make sme think c section may be more of an option.... we have no more than 18 weeks to go alot fo thinking to do the next few months.
May 22, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Hi everyone,

Thanks for checking in. My fluid levels have been a bit lower, so I am feeling calmer about that. At the last two visits they were 20.5 and 21.5, which is on the high end but not in the range that is considered polyhydramnios.

April, I am so sorry for all the contradictory information that you have been getting, and that you don't feel your MFM is being completely honest with you. My MFM is also my OB so I can't really get a second opinion without switching hospitals either, but I don't want to switch to the other one because it is where Sidney died. I don't blame the doctors there, but I think it might be too traumatic for me. I am having a lot of trust issues with doctors in general, and am still not sure how I want to deliver this baby when the time comes. It just seems like they make their decisions based on very little. Right now I am scheduled to deliver at 38 weeks 1 day, and before my MFM said she'd consider moving me to 37 weeks (I lost Sidney at 36.5 weeks) but now she says she can't because she will get dinged by insurance. Then another doctor in the practice said he's sure I can get moved earlier (but I don't even know if I want to) because he said that there is no real difference between 37, 38 and 39 weeks, and it is like they just picked one out of a hat. So it's hard and complicated. And I am terrified I will choose wrong and this baby will die. I knew the last few weeks would be hard....

Anyway, I hope you are all well.

May 23, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
I feel like suddenly I've become super grumpy and irritable. I just want to focus on me and this pregnancy but it's hard when my part-time job requires I care for others amd when I'm not at work I'm caring for my 3 and 5 year old. Everyone keeps demanding stuff from me and all I want to do is lie in bed and hope I feel some movement. I'm 15w2d so any movement I feel comes infrequently and is so faint that I'm not sure if I'm imagining things. I think this is contributing to my anxiety.

I had been feeling like this new pregnancy was taking the edge off for me when I'm around intact happy families, babies, and pregnant people. As my son's birthday approaches the anger and jealousy has returned. My LCs preschool is having a year end carnival on Thursday and I just don't know if I can take my LC to it. I don't want to see the other moms with their babies. My oldest LC told my husband that he really wants to go. I asked a couple of people if they could help me by taking my kids and they were all "eh maybe". I feel so guilty. I want my LC to have a normal mom, not a PTSD/anxiety addled mom.

April you sound so knowledgeable and reasonable that it is such a shame that you don't feel comfortable talking things out with your MFM. I think a switch is not a bad idea. I do empathize with our doctors in a way. There isn't any literature out there to tell them definitively to this at this week - if you have this game plan all will work out fine. My loss was at 37 weeks so MFM is saying we can induce then after an amnio. I'm not pinning down a specific date in my mind. Pregnancy complications now seem so common in my post loss world that who knows what will happen, maybe baby will need out sooner than then.
May 23, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
Hi Ladies,
I have never posted here before but it is amazing to see the love and support that is in all these posts. I am currently 16 weeks 2 days pregnant with our second baby. Our son, Lachlan was born still April 1, 2016 at 33 weeks and this pregnancy has been one heck of a ride so far. It is amazing to see some of you getting ready with hospital bags to deliver your babies after loss as it gives me hope that I will be able to make it there also. I have been experiencing really high anxiety recently and am trying to keep it in check as much as I can. I feel like I was doing good up until this point and then all of a sudden it all hit.

I look forward to talking to you ladies more and getting to know you and your beautiful children. It will be nice to be able to surround myself with the support to get through this PAL journey as it's definitely harder than I even anticipated.
May 24, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLachlansmommy
Lachlansmommy - welcome. congratulations on this pregnancy and so sorry for your previous loss. I have found much comfort in the posts here, and the pregnancy threads. I have gone back and read through all the posts over time. and it is amazing how many same feelings are on here and support go go with those feelings. I have been having aniety too with this pregnancy. I just got written off work because of it. feel much better at home where I am able to mamange privately.

mom2htb- irritability goes with our territory. we have been through some shit, and we have ptsd because of it, and we are carrying our trigger for that. be gentle to yourself and others. I have recently jioned at the gym and find that burning that energy has helped as well as helped with my frustration. the endorphins make me feel better. we will never be normal moms. and it is hard to except that. I dont have any living children so I dont know how you are coping with being a mom to a living child right now. - I know this though never feel guilty for how you feel. it is natural for us to go through the ebs and flows of this griefing process and the challenege of carrying new life.
May 26, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Hello beautiful mamas!
Just popped in to give you all a big hug and send lots of positive vibes your way... May is almost over... time keeps going, sometimes too slow, it seems, sometimes too fast! And this endless journey seems never to end... at least that is what I felt, a few months ago! But eventually, our happy ending comes true, so breath in and out, keep as calm as you can, live each day...

Dena, I am happy you are calmer and fluid levels seem more normal... that is great news!
Still0517, it is good to know your scan was ok! :)
Arav's mum, I will use a portuguese expression "I hope you have a small little hour", in your induction/labour. In no time at all you will have your baby in your arms!

Much love and little insanity to you all
May 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi ladies,

Apologies for not catching up with all. Just wanted to say, Arav's mom, I'm thinking of you!!! Sending the most positive vibes in the universe your way.

Also, Dena, I'm sorry to hear docs seem a bit flippant on delivery week. There's a good research on how risk of breathing difficulties decreases from 37 weeks to 38 to 39. At 39 they typically don't give steroids injections as baby's lungs are considered ready but they would give you steroids (at least in the UK) in the earlier gestational ages. Even though 37 weeks is considered 'full term' the lungs can need extra help. I'll try to dig out my references on this if you fancy a read before meeting your doc.

Sending strength and love to all
May 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby