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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > TTC at 40 after heartbreaking loss

This is my first time here - Can anyone give me hope TTC at 40+... My post divorce Spanish love child Mars Florencio passed away on March 6th at 3 1/2 months old. This baby was everything. He was a symbol of me rising from the ashes like a Phoenix, he was a tangible form of the deep love his father and I share, he was the glue that solidified this single mom of two american sons to this nomadic Spaniard,he is what prompted his father and I to take another chance at marriage - the second time for each of us... His 3 1/2 months was the happiest time of my life, and the happiest time for our family of 5. Our arms are empty, and hes all that we think about. We know we can't bring him back, but we desperately ache for another baby. My husband wants so desperately a child of his own. I am 40... was breastfeeding full time when we lost him... have had one period back since and am wishing so hard for a baby... and a baby soon, twins would be amazing, but one healthy baby is what we are so desperate for... my older sons as well are rooting for us. I'm insecure because clearly im in a time in my life where my ass has been completely kicked by tragedy as well as some insecurity since my husband is only 36 and I am pushing 41... Anyone get pregnant in their 40s? How about this soon after a loss? I am seeking stories of inspiration.
April 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Hi Jennifer- We have a lot of similarities. I have two older daughters, the oldest is from my first marriage and the second is with my current husband. My husband and I had our second child, (my 3rd) Asher, and he died 4.5 months ago at 15 months old. I am 39.5 and my husband is 44. I was nursing Asher until the day he died. We got pregnant in February of this year but had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. The miscarriage devastated me but it has been two weeks since the D&C and I am in a better place. I am worried that given our ages we will not be able to have another child. We have a plan to try for two more months on our own then go to a fertility clinic given our ages. Given my age, miscarriage is more common but I have had 3 live births so that is also in my favor. I am hoping that it will happen but may take more time than normal, time that I know I don't have. Anyway, have you thought of going to a fertility clinic to get a workup to rule out any hormonal issues? My OB tested my thyroid function to rule that out. Guess I don't have any inspiration to provide at this time but hope to have that soon.
April 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
Dear, dear Denise, My heart breaks for your loss as well - I'm so sorry to meet you this way. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry for your miscarriage as well, the hits just keep on coming, don't they? I know the rate is really 1 in 3 at this age and I'm ready to roll the dice... I know a miscarriage will be painful but after losing Mars, there is nothing that will ever compare to that loss so I'm ready to risk it. I am trying to fast track the fertility clinic too. The dr that delivered Mars will hopefully get me a referral - I have Kaiser HMO so its a bit tricky navigating. I am also looking into acupuncture. Basically, we are on a mission. Mars was my husband's only child and he is struggling with his role in all this...he has told me at least I'm still a mother, he questions if hes still a dad now that Mars is gone. I hope and wish we can go on to have another baby. I wish the same for you.
April 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I can imagine how hard this must be for your husband. It is also hard when partners experience grief differently. I agree the miscarriage while a loss , did not compare to losing Asher. However, the pregnancy was tied to Asher, it was tied to trying to find joy after a tragedy. So that made it hard to take when we didn't see a heartbeat at 8 weeks. I am now preoccupied now with planning on TTC again and that gives me something to look forward to.
April 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
I'm so sorry Denise... I hope you fall pregnant soon and all goes smoothly this time. I'm keeping you in my thoughts ❤️
April 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Dear Jeniffer and Denisse, thank you for sharing your experiences and I am sorry for your losses. Jeniffer, although we not have similar cases, I wanted to tell you that you should keep your hopes in trying again and have your rainbow baby. I am 42 years old, my husband 40. My son Miguel died at birth due to a severe plancental abruption at 39, 5 weeks. My world crashed, it was my second son, we wanted to give our 4 year old a sibling. It has been 6 months since Miguel died. Yesterday I had an appointment with a genetist, she gave ne hope, she said she had patients aroud 46 even 48 years old. She tested me yesterday for furher genetical problems and said, I should buy an ovulations kit to track my chances. I started last month to try to conceive again. I got my period ysterday. :( In my case, my husband is afraid that I get pregnant again. He does not want it. He has a daughter from his first marriage and my son with me. He suffered alot when Miguel died but he does not want to try again which makes me unhappy. I decided to dream again of bringing my child alive at home... I wish you both a rainbow baby, a new hope. The new baby will never replacer our missi g children but he or she will help us to relieve the pain of their absence in our lives. I know I am 42 years old but I want to try 6 months without the ferility specialist. I read a lot about feetility herbs. I am going to ask my maternal fetal specialist and see if I can take a tea.... I keep you both in my prayers ladies.
April 29, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMiguel Angel's mom
Miguel's mom, I'm so sorry for your loss. I do have an appt with a fertility acupuncturist on the 20th (soonest I could get into her) and my dr has also referred me to a fertility clinic which I'm going to try if nothing happens in a few months. I've been peeing on sticks like a crazy lady... I am indeed ovulating which is a good sign, but here we are at 11 dpo and im testing negative on early pregnancy tests so I'm afraid im out this cycle too :-/
May 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Hi Jennifer and others, I'm so sorry you are going through this, mourning your babies and still trying to build your families. I have been there. I lost my daughter Chiara at 22 weeks gestation when I was 40. She was my second child. We started trying again almost immediately and I was pregnant six weeks later just after turning 41. That pregnancy gave me my second son. We went on to have one more son the day after I turned 44. It has been a long road. At this point I think we are done with having biological children. We are still thinking about adopting a daughter.

As we tried to get pregnant again after Chiara, I found some comfort in focusing my energy on it. I was so crushed, and no baby could replace her, but at least I could do something. I did talk therapy, acupuncture, took herbs and supplements, and walked an hour each day. We also used the "sperm meets egg plan" to ttc. There were so many tears, through both subsequent pregnancies. Our lives will never be the same without our dear girl. But our house is full and my life is different than I ever could have imagined. I hope that you are all able to build your families as you want to and my heart goes out to you and your missing babies. XO
May 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAurelia
Dear Aurelia,
Thanks for posting your wibderful and positive thoughts. I try to focus on ttc after 7 months of my son's sudden departure. I ordered some royal jelly, bought some herbs and see how they work. Like the other moms, I keep my hopes for all of us. It was good to read your post exactly today.
May 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMiguel Angel's mom
Hi Ladies- Keeping my hopes up too for us all... I actually went to a shamanistic healer yesterday, going through berevement therapy, accupuncture on the 20th and if all else fails the fertility clinic on June 2nd. Mars lit this path in front of me and Jose and we need to honor Mars by continuing to go down this path he illuminated, as parents together. Oh how I miss his happiness and smile, He only knew us as blissfully happy and I have to keep reminding myself he'd want us to be happy amd joyful with his memories. Hoping to make him a big brother soon ❤️
May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
HI Jennifer,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Losing a baby at an older age is very difficult because you feel the added pressure of time if you hope to grow your family. I had a son when I was 36. My daughter was born when I was almost 43, and passed away 17 days later from an extremely rare and random genetic disease we did not know she had until after birth (not related to my age per the geneticist). I had to wait 6 months before I could try again because I had a C-section with her. I tried for a few months, and went to a specialist. I since had two failed IVF cycles, and two failed IUI cycles. I ended up getting pregnant naturally at 44, but sadly miscarried at 8 weeks. The rate for miscarriage for my age now, almost 45, is 50%. It really sucks, and all of the ups and downs you describe I feel as well. I think 41 is still a good position to be in and I wish you, and all here, luck.

I wish your sweet Mars was here with you and you didn't have to go through this. I know it is possible for you and believe in maintaining hope. Some days it is all we have.
May 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKim
Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot tell you how much I needed to hear your message today. Mars would be 6 months old today- its harder than Mothers Day for me... I wish you the best of luck in your journey... I have a acupuncturist intake Saturday and our long awaited fertility clinic appointment on 6/2- so I feel somewhat hopeful with those appointnents on the horizon, until then, I keep peeing on sticks, waiting for eggs, loving my supportive husband (who lost his only child) and doing my best to stay as present as possible with my older sons. Thank you Kim... ❤️
May 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer