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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > I lost her to placental abruption

On March 18th I went into labor at 37+6 weeks. I was 3cm dialated and my contractions were 5 min apart. I went as long as I could without an epidural but my back pain was so excruciating, I decided to get the epidural. I became from the chest down, but for some odd reason, I could feel a significant amount on the right side of my lower pelvic area. I was turned to my right side as to have the epidural drip down in lieu of pressing the button for more. At this point I was 8cm dialated and contractions were 2 min apart but water hadn't broken. After waking from what seemed to be a quick nap, the nurse ran in and said the baby didn't like that side I was laying on. She rolled me back and forth from left to right, had me on all fours at some point and yet her and the other three frantic nurses couldn't find my daughter's sudden dropped heart rate. My doctor was not present and they were not allowed to break my water so that I could begin to push. 10-15 min later dr arrived as I'm being wheeled into surgery for an emerg c sec. I was terrified and so numb, I could barely move my neck. I felt like a piece of meat being flipped around. When my dr. Finally got Kamryn out, she had no heartbeat. She was resuscitated and flown to a diff hospital where she was being treated for birth asphyxia. She lost 20 min or more of oxygen. I was in a nightmare that didn't feel real. This was my healthy, active little baby. I spent countless days with her kissing her every inch of her body, soaking her in as much as I could bc I knew she wouldn't make it with the amount of brain activity she had. My heart was smashed in a way I've never imagined it could feel. 10 days later she passed after 11hrs of breathing on her own. When she took her last breath, she smiled. Oh what cruel heartbreak that was bestowed upon us. Why?!!! Why her?! Why me?? I had high blood pressure in my last trimester, I wish I would have been put on bed rest, medicated, hospitalized or induced. Why didn't he warn me that hypertension could lead to placental abruption?!! I'm so angry, I'm broken mostly. My life feels like it's over. I never knew I could love someone so much that I only spent 10 days face to face with. I miss her. I miss her so bad. I feel so alone and disconnected from reality. I have an 8yr old daughter already, and I feel like I'm depriving her of her once happy mother who gave her undivided attention. Does it ever get better? Will I ever get better?
April 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLexy
I am so so sorry Lexy. All of your feelings are normal. I am 4 months out from the loss of my 15 month old son and I still ask why? why me? why him? how do I live without him? I spent a couple months reliving everything up to his death and second guessing everything. That eventually stopped which was a relief. Just know you are not alone.
April 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
Lexy, we are on our journeys together. A journey we never thought we would be on. My son died on the 18th March after 7 days in Neonatal ICU. I was a 'low risk' pregnancy. On the 11th March I had some reduced movements (I was 38 weeks) and I went into hospital. The trace picked up a low heart rate so I had an emergency c section. At 00.30 (12th) Samuel was born, weighing just 5lbs. He immediately went into cardiac arrest. They worked on him for 30 minutes. They did get his heart working again but we were warned of the lack of oxygen to the brain. He died of multi organ failure and severe brain damage.
The pain is unbearable. I wonder when I'll feel less broken. I miss him so much and it seems so unfair. He was so loved and wanted.
I have so many crazy thoughts. Thoughts I'm even scared to write down as they make me sound so crazy.
I have taken so much comfort from this website /forum, as here I feel less alone. Grief is so so lonely isn't it?
April 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBeckie
oh lexy i am so sorry, and my heart broke as I read your words. the panic so raw still. hugs to you and your daughter. we are all here for you
April 16, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
I am so sorry for your loss, Lexy, and everyone else... My story is very similar. I lost my son to a concealed placental abruption during early labor at full term. Doctors were able to resucitate him but the brain damage was too severe and extensive. After a week in the NICU, we made the heartbreaking decision to withdraw life support and after holding Stefan in our arms for the first time, he passed away several hours later. The pain of losing him is like nothing else I have ever known, even though I never saw his eyes, or heard his voice... (Unexpectedly losing my beloved mom when I was 18, was way, way easier to come to terms with.)
That was five and a half years ago. And yes, it does get easier. Life will never be perfect again, my son will always be missing, but most of the time that is just a part of my story now, not a searing pain I cannot bear. The next few months will be hell and I'm really sorry you have to go through them. For me, the fog started lifitng towards the end of the first year. I started enjoying life's little pleasures again, like a hike in the mountain or an exciting trip. The good days started happening a bit more often and the soul crushing bawl your eyes out howl in pain episodes became more rare. I know in some respects it was easier for me because i didn't have to mother a child while hoing through the thick of my grief. I hope you can find some time for yourself to grieve, and that your older daughter is a source of comfort and strength.
Sending love,
Mira
April 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMira
Dear Lexy, I am so sorry to read again that a new mommy is going through the same pain we all had here. I understand your anger why you? Why your happy active baby? And feeling that you cannot be the same mom for your oldest is normal. I had it too. I know half of your heart went with your angel. Cry what you need to cry because nobody else will ever understand the pain of a mother who looses a hope, a dream, her true love. I lost Miguel also due to a placental abruption during labor. I had a similar birth like you. I did not know my blood pressure was high that day. How to know it, right? One thing that helped me to cope with Miguel's death, was not to think too much about the "what if"... I felt miserable, guilty that my body failed the human being that represented a new hope for me. Your wound is still open and won't heal soon but it will start closing after a while. Peo├Âle wrongly told me I should move on because I already have a son and he needed me. Of course, you do not need that people tell you this. But you are not the same mom... half of your heart is hurt and it needs to heal to be the "happy" mom you were before. Hug your daughter, kiss her and see the one who can help you to grieve. I do it with my 4 year old. Half of my heart went with Miguel, so the 50% of it should make him happy. Not having enough with my son's death, I lost my mom on March 24, 2017. I lost the one who gave me a life three weeks ago and said good bye to the human being who I gave birth... Coping with this pain is not easy. My heart is with you, Lexy... please receive a big hug... thanks for sharing your pain with us...
April 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMiguel Angel's mom
I lost my liam on April 22nd. He lasted one day in the neonatal unit. I question myself everyday on how and what I could have done differently so he would be here today. Maybe they could have done the c section the first day I went in to the hospital and not try to induce... i blame myself so much. But I try to trust god as I know that he must have a plan for Liam. So he did have a plan for your baby girl. Trust god please... it's the only thing that gets me through the days. I cry till my eyes are swollen. I don't know if anyone feels like they need to try again... but for me, I can never replace Liam, it's jus I feel like having a rainbow baby will help the pain from losing my son. Lexi I know your pain... and you are not alone.
May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRame