Hello beautiful mamas,
It's gone a bit quiet but I hope you are all well.
This is a thread for anyone currently pregnant (or in need of a window into the challenges of pregnancy after child loss). I lost Maia in 2014 to a concealed placental abruption during labour at 39 weeks. She died two days later in our arms. My son Mirko arrived in June last year after a very challenging pregnancy. The threads in glow were particularly useful to me so I start these threads every now and then when it gets quiet just in case anyone needs the space and support. I'm always here to listen and hold virtual hands.

Do feel free to post whatever you want to share, what's up this week, mixed feelings, appointments, anything that might help with your sanity!
Sending love to all

Hi Gaby, thanks for starting an April thread! I am 31 weeks currently with a baby girl after losing my son last April at 38 weeks pregnant. Soon we will be coming up on what should have been his first birthday (the 18th). I am finding this pregnancy extremely challenging, especially this last little bit. Daily I have such mixed thoughts: excitement, anxiety, grief, worry and everything in between. I so badly want this little girl to arrive healthy and to bring her home, but it's just so hard to picture. My ob wants to induce just before 38 weeks since that was my point of loss and it can't come soon enough. I do however, have so much fear of labour since I have heard so many stories of people (like yourself) who lose a baby in labour or have something happen during labour that causes their baby to pass away shortly after. My OB said with my history (no cause found for my stillbirth and it wasn't during labour, and I am otherwise healthy) there is no reason to do a C section but said that she would support one if that was what I really wanted. I really don't want a section but sometimes think I should push for one to avoid complications of labour. It's so tough to make a decision either way and feel like I am making the right one. Not sure if anyone has any advice around this.
I have started to slowly prepare for her arrival on days when it feels right. Some days I can allow myself to have hope and get things ready, other days I can't get our of this cloud of worry. I think the next 2 weeks will be rough as we come up on my angel's birthday. I am ready to just sleep through April and wake up in May.
Michelle

thank you gaby for starting this thread. Michelle, I am so sorry for your last year. congratulations on this pregnancy. I wish there was sleep button we could use to get us through the rough times of our lives, we have already suffered so much, and to have to go through what should be celebrations just to relive our losses is unfair. I wish you all the best in the upcoming weeks, and which ever you decide for delivering that little girl of yours, is yours own it. It is all about you your partner and that little girl.

I have been waiting so long to be able to post on a pregnancy thread. I am now 14 weeks pregnant. I lost my fullterm baby girl to unknown reasons last May, and had a blighted ovum misscarriage in december. It has been a rough year for myself and my husband. I am so scared. I put on a good face, I smile. I get on with my day. But when I am alone, I fall to pieces. I have no one I can really turn to, no one who understands the pain that I go through each and every day. And now the anxiety and emotions of this pregnancy is getting hard. I want that sleep button, where is it? cant september come? Only a few people know about my pregnancy. I am not ready to share my joy of carrying another child and put it out to the world for comments and advice.

How do you deal with all the comments and unwanted advice from people? how do you deal with rude comments - Iknow they might not intend to say, but .. for example, my cousin told me when I lost my baby girl that I might not be meant to carry girls... WTF? I carried to 39 and 5. I carried my baby girl,

any advice would be great, how to deal with anxiety, comments, and dealing with how scared I am. So scared

Dear Michelle,
these last weeks do seem to take so long to pass, and it is very stressfull to always be thinking of how much we want to attach to our little bundles but yet fear the worse and try to protect ourselves from the raw pain we unfortunately know...
Take each day at a time, and just do what feels right, for preparations... You will not love her less for not having everything ready, for when she comes... and very soon you will have her in your arms! I am confident about it and am sending lots of positiveness your way.
Make sure you have the basics, like clothes and diappers and the rest you can do later as you need...
I would do some preparations one day, and then leave it for a few days, then do one more thing, then stop... I knitted to calm me down, and almost didn't finish on time...

I understand your worry about type of birth. I had a c section because I was afraid of having another placental abruption, but then again I already knew from experience that I don't respond well to the induction drugs and having had a previous abruption truly increased my risk of having another. Besides, since I had the stupidest abruption ( concealed), without any outworth signs like bleeding, before it all fell apart, the only signs I knew were frequent contrations and abdominal disconfort. The same symptoms as labour, right!

You shouldn't forget that Here in Glow you hear about all the things that can go wrong, but the fact is that our sad stories are not that frequent. In the real world... Unfortunately we lost our innocence and know first hand that we can be on that 0,0001% of the unlucky people, apparently quite easily! But then again 99,999% looks like a big probability for things to run as they should, right!?!

A c section also has risks, and the recovery is longer than normal birth. But it is much much faster!

Whatever you choose, you will have your precious little girl no time in your arms! It is just a few more weeks, and you hit the jackpot!
April is shorter than March! It will fly away like a ... rocket! A really fast rocket!

Lots of calm and soothing emotions going your way.
Marta

Hi all,
I am 27 weeks and 2 days today, and can relate to a lot of what you all are writing. As of yesterday, it has been 11 months since Sidney died. I imagine the next month is going to be quite difficult for me. I had an appointment with the OB, and a growth ultrasound, this am. This baby is measuring at 45%, which they think is great, but of course, I wish he were just a little bit bigger. We have also been talking about labor/delivery, and like Michelle, I am not really sure what I will want to do. Sidney may have died during labor, so of course, I have a lot of anxiety about it. For now, we will continue to see how I progress. I have moments of hope (I even bought a rocking chair off craigslist) but then I get scared and fear that I am setting myself up for disappoint. Even given what happened to me/Sidney, people seem to take it as a given that I will have a healthy living baby in June.

Michelle, you and Cameron will be in my thoughts this month.

Dena

Hi Everyone,
Still0517 - congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so sorry you have experienced such loss prior to coming here. What is your daughter's name? I can totally relate to feeling alone and scared and worried. I am lucky enough (or unlucky enough depending on how you view it) to have a friend who had a full term loss about 8 years before I did. She has been my strength and support through this and I often turn to her. I have also joined some closed groups on facebook and have met many who can relate, along with the awesome women on here. It's true....if someone hasn't been through what we have, they just don't get it. Often I hear comments that make my soul ache, but my husband always reminds me that people just don't know what to say, that they just don't get it and they always mean well. After losing our son, someone who doesn't have children told me that we can always just have another and I have never forgetten that awful comment, like my son didn't matter, like my life isn't forever changed by the fact that he isn't here. He was here and I miss him every single day. Life will always have a Cameron shaped hole in it. Once people heard I was pregnant again, many didn't seem to know how to react. It was about 5 months after our loss and I found a lot of people didn't even say congratulations. I do have a great group of friends who have always honoured my son and along with asking how this pregnancy is going they have also always been very sensitive towards me and how challenging and emotional this experience is. I also have a great therapist. Do you have someone you can reach out to during tough times like a therapist? It is so hard to find people who "get it". I find I avoid most pregnant women because I just don't relate to them at all. Loss affects us in more ways then most people can even imagine. We are here for you, anytime and every step of the way!

Marta, thank you so much for your post and advice! It brought me great comfort this morning and I know I will return to it in the coming weeks to reread it when I am feeling stressed. You have no idea how much I appreciate your words.

Dena- congratulations on your pregnancy and thank you for your kind words. You are sort of in the same boat as me... I have been dreading Cameron's birthday and the month of April in general but wanting it to arrive so that May will come and my daughter will arrive. I am sure you have the same feelings about May. When is your due date? Sorry for the loss of Sidney. I get the same feeling from people. They seem to think that it can't possibly happen again, that I can't lose another. And while I am sure most are just trying to think positive, when someone says something about my daughter being here soon or talking about having her with us this summer, I just can't picture it and can't even really take part in conversations about it. We have been down that road before, dreamed of a future with our children only to have it all taken away. The emptiness I have felt in the last year without Cameron here is something someone else can't possibly understand unless they have been through it too.

Lots of love to all of you!
Michelle

Still0517 - I'm a month behind you on everything! Unexplained 37 week stillbirth June 2016, blighted ovum January 2017, currently 8.5 weeks pregnant. I feel less alone now. Congratulations on making it to 14 weeks.

I'm struggling with wanting reassurance that all is well but not having anything to go off of aside from still having morning sickness. I threw up three times today but I still am not thoroughly reassured. I have appointments tomorrow at both MFM and my OB so maybe they can reassure me? I wish I could have a daily ultrasound! I had one five days ago and everything looked exactly as it should. Given my history I now know that things can suddenly and unexpectedly go wrong.

My next considerations are to doppler or not to doppler (probably going to doppler) and asking for the NIPT. I'm going to have to twist my OB's arm for the NIPT because I'm "only" 34 but he had said yes when I asked in the pregnancy I miscarried. Then I have to figure out whether or not I want to find out the gender. When I was pregnant with my stillborn I felt a lot of pressure for it to be a girl since I have 2 living boys. He ended up being a he and I had to work through a ton of emotions regarding perhaps never getting to raise a daughter. I thought of all of the advantages of three boys, dreamed to them chasing each other around, and that became my vision of my family. So I have these competing emotions - the desire for a daughter (and only granddaughter for my parents) has not gone away but the vision of the three boys hasn't gone away either. I feel like I'll never feel complete.

Hi Everyone!

Thanks for starting the April thread, Gaby. It's good to have a place to go. I am almost 32 weeks now and things are still going well. I wish I could say the same about my emotions. There are a lot of ups and downs depending on my worries, doctors appointments, how tired I am, how much other stress I have...

Mom2htb: I got a doppler and it worked really well for me. It was especially nice before going to the doctor. That way I knew there was a heartbeat and didn't freak out as much while they were asking all their questions, taking blood pressure etc. before FINALLY checking on the baby.

stillo517: Gentle congratulations on your pregnancy. It's great that you made it to 14 weeks already. This sleep button would be so nice. Sign me up!

Michelle: I am thinking about the same questions. I decided to take it as it comes. There are so many things that could influence this decision that it makes sense to wait and see. If the baby is breech, for example, the decision is made for me.

Last week we went to a baby care class that I was really dreading, but it turned out to be ok. We just didn't interact with anyone. This weekend we decided to go to a child birth class. No idea if that is a smart thing to do or if it will be a horrible disaster. I just feel like last time the birth was so early (27 weeks) that I didn't get to go to a class before, and I would like to learn a bit more about how it will be to possibly give birth to a full-term baby. I hope I don't have to talk to anyone. Yesterday a colleague asked me if this is my first and I started crying as soon as she was out of the room. Has anyone gone to such a class before? What was your experience? Those of you in the later stages of pregnancy, are you considering to go? I also can't decide if I want to start pregnancy yoga. I keep putting it off.

Hugs to all of you!

Hi Everyone!

Mom2htb- Congratulations on your pregnancy! I decided to buy a Doppler for this pregnancy and I am so glad I did! There was a bit of a learning curve to make sure I was listening to the right thing (I believe you can hear the cord or placenta or something that is more like a swooshing - not the heartbeat), but once I was sure it was the heartbeat I was hearing it has calmed a lot of anxiety and has allowed me a better night's sleep many times. Even after I started to feel movement, I continue to use the doppler a few times a week. I definitely don't regret purchasing it.

Arav's Mom - that is so great that you have been able to go to classes! I know those types of things can be difficult, especially when other people start to ask those innocent questions or make comments when they think you are preparing to be a first time Mom. I think it's great that you are going! I find myself avoiding Mom groups or classes, I just can't relate to these excited Mothers who haven't experienced loss.

I went to the doctor again yesterday afternoon and don't feel any closer to being able to make a decision between induction or a section. I honestly feel like I am indirectly making the choice whether my daughter will live or die. If I make the wrong choice I would not be able to live with myself. I know I WANT an induction and try to give birth vaginally....but how do I know that a C Section isn't my best bet for making sure my daughter is born alive? My doctor is very supportive (which is great) but she is leaving the decision up to me and no matter how much I talk to her or my husband or friends, I can't seem to feel good about either decision. We booked a section yesterday so that it is booked for the time I would need it (it's in 6 weeks today) if I choose, but she said once I decide they can cancel it if I decide on induction. I am so torn about this, the decision is eating away at me, and consuming my every thought. I was at the mall today running an errand and I looked around at all the Mom's with tiny babies and it's hard to believe that soon that could be me....it just feels impossible. Feeling down today for sure.

Michelle

For those who used a doppler when did you start using it? I don't want to try too early and freak out because I can't find anything but then again I'd love some reassurance ASAP.

Michelle - As for induction versus section, I would guess that you would have continuous monitoring during the induction. The question then becomes how quick could you get a c-section should your baby become distressed. I'm personally planning on an induction. It seems like I'll be in good hands at the hospital with continuous monitoring and a c-section could be performed quickly if needed.

Thanks Mom2htb I am going to talk to my doc next week about how quickly they would go to a c section. I got my doppler around 20 weeks. My ob didn't try to look for a heartbeat until 15 weeks, I was VERY anxious until I heard it!!

Mom2htb, I got the doppler early and was able to pick up the heartbeat at 8.5 weeks. That is not at all representative though. I found it pretty easy to distinguish it from your own heartbeat/aorta, because the baby's heartbeat is much faster. There are videos on youtube if you are unsure about how it should sound. I think the manufacturer does not recommend use before 14 weeks, because it can be tricky to find the heartbeat, but I am glad I bought it early. It saved me a lot of anxiety.

Michelle, if you don't mind me asking: What are your arguments pro induction?

Hi Arav's Mom - I don't mind you asking at all! In fact I am hoping that through discussing it with fellow loss Moms and my medical team I eventually come up with a decision I feel good about.

My thoughts on both are as follows:

Induction Pros: this is the kind of birth I had with my sunshine (and my angel) and the kind of experience I want again, there are a lot less risks for me as C Section is major surgery, The ob said the process of travelling through the birth cancel is beneficial and perferred for babies, less recovery time

Induction Cons: All of the stories I have heard from fellow loss Moms about losing a baby in labour or during birth is the ONLY reason I hesitate on induction

C Section Pros: Shorter process, wondering if it is more of a guarantee she will arrive alive

C Section Cons: risks for me, major surgery, recovery time, potential breathing problems for baby (going through birth canal squeezes fluid out of the lungs).

I don't know if I should fear she will die in a c section - I don't know if it even happens. If it doesn't sometimes I think I should go with a section. I am SO torn up over this, literally going crazy.

Michelle

Hi Again, sorry for all the posts....can you tell I am going crazy over here! I had a long talk with my friend who had a stillbirth 8 years before I did and has since had two girls healthy, born via scheduled c section. My fear of losing her in labour is so great....greater than my fear of surgery. I would endure anything to get my little girl here safely. Even though I WANT an induction, I think I need to do a c section.
When I was leaning towards induction, I was feeling so doubtful that she would come home. I couldn't continue to prepare her room or even go inside it. Since leaning more seriously towards a section this afternoon, I have felt more in control, more at peace, more positive. I have some questions to talk to my doc about, but that is where I am at right now.

Hope everyone is well,
Michelle

Hi ladies, this discussion this month has been so healpful. It smazing how we don`t know each other but yet we are all having the same thoughts and feelings. Im glad we have somehwere to post questions, observations and not be judged.

Michelle, I have the same feeling sabout a c section. I talked ot my OB about induction vs c section, she said same thing, induction is better for baby can be better for moms recovery time. However, she will not fight me if I want a c section, my friend had a scheduled c section as her baby was breech and she said it was super peacful, went in, dropped off her bags, got her epidural and then there was baby, everyone was calm and it went well. on the other hand, I had a friend have a csection and her uterus ruptured and she cant try again for a year and a half, their baby is well - though she did end up with pnuemonia from not having that fluid squeeze from the brith canal, but she is thriving.

I personally have to do more research, my Daughter whos name is Briar, was 9lbs 6 oz, so my ob told me I would have no trouble birthing a baby at 36-38 weeks as they would be smaller (hopefully, I was 9lb 13 oz). She said the induction might be difficult dur to needing to ripening the cervix, but we had to do that last time, so I know what to expect at the beginning.

Aravs mom - I also want to sign up for a birthing class, though I am going to pay the extra for a private class. my last experience is a daze, meds were my best friend, I dont remember alot of it to be honest. I want to be able to control as much as I can and do as much as I can by myself, letting my body know what to do, so I dont miss out on any moments.

Im going to go to yoga, yes it will be hard to see excited moms, but yoga is a silent class and therefore I dont think the group setting would be difficult and I love the stress management and the stretching for my body.

Mom2htb - our time lines are so close, I am sorry to hear about your stillbirth, and blighted ovums.. common, why does our body have to give us false hope. crual. I am happy you are pregnant again. I have had two ultrasounds so far, had a dating ultrasound as I didnt get my flow for after the misscarriage, and then had my ips one for genetic testing.

I have to same emotion about finding out the gender, I want to find out to be able to prepare for baby - our nursery is still set up for a little girl, the dresser still full or clothes, etc. and I want to be able to name our baby. But I am nervous. We have alot fo family pressure for a boy, as my husband is the last of his last name, and last time I felt like I was carrying a dissapointment. There was even a comment made infront my my parents while I was in labour with our liltte girl that next time has to be a boy. thank god it wasnt infront of me, I would have taken someone out. I hope no one ever wished ill will towards our little girl becasue she was a female. We will have to see how it goes. Im ok with either, though I think seperating our pregnancies would be easier if it is a boy.

Im taking it in stride. I see my OB next week. I am going to talk to her about going off work in June, I get 15 weeks full sick leave. Im labeld high risk so there shouldnt be an issue. I just want to be as far away from nosey people as I can be, and be able to control my environment and be able to be as peaceful as I can. plus the third trimester will be very busy with weekly apts and weekly ultrasounds.

congrats to you all. love to you all and hugs to you and our beautfiul angels

Hi all,

So lovely to log on and see everyone here, thanks Gaby for starting this thread! I haven't been logging on as much as I would like but when I do get the time, it's very comforting and reassuring to read everyone's thoughts/advice/worries.

Michelle - I'm so glad you brought up the section/vaginal birth subject. It's something I think about a lot too. My son Hunter died at the last stages of labour, after a wonderful, carefree pregnancy. He was my first baby and I was so excited about meeting him, I had no fear at all and was in the birthing pool when his heart just suddenly stopped beating. I was rushed to labour ward but was too dilated to do an emergency section. I ended up have a forceps delivery and had to get an episiotomy. He was already dead by the time I delivered him but they did try to resuscitate him. My physical recovery from that birth ended up being quite long - I got an infection from the wounds and could hardly walk for 4-6 weeks. I've been pregnant 3 times since but miscarried twice and had one medical termination for trisomy 18. I'm now 32 weeks and am booked in for a c section on May 16. It was a very easy decision for me to make but I am still terrified. I think I am just terrified about birth in general and part of me wishes this baby could stay inside of me forever!! Aside from the obvious reasons, I chose a c section because I want to feel like I have some control after losing complete control during Hunter's birth. I am quite squeamish and hate the thought of being cut open but Marta and some of the other ladies kindly reassured me last month that it is a quick and relatively easy process. if the recovery is the trickiest part of a c section then I will gladly accept that!

Still0517 - I can totally relate to how scared you are (I imagine we all can!) Are you able to see a counsellor or talk to someone professional? My OB referred me back to my old counsellor and I've been seeing her every few weeks which has been so helpful. I can also relate to your thoughts about finding out the gender. My first baby was a boy and now I am having a girl. Part of me was relieved to be having a girl but another part of me wanted a boy. Like you, I would have been OK with either...it's just a complicated feeling.

Dena - sending you gentle congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm so sorry you lost your boy Sidney. It's my son's anniversary/birthday at the end of this month and have had a lot of the same anxiety you described.. I actually haven't bought one this for this pregnancy although I did buy pretty much everything before my son died three years ago, so it's all locked away in storage. I don't think I'll bring anything out until this baby is safely here!

Mon2htb - gentle congrats to you too. I'm 32 weeks pregnant but remember in the first few months being quite scared and wanting scans all the time. I think it's natural after loss, and I only started feeling reassured as the pregnancy continued and my belly began to grow. Taking it one day at a time helped for me.

Arav's Mom - your ups and downs comment really resonated with me! When I have energy, I feel positive, hopeful and generally pretty great. Then if I have a bad sleep or am in anyway tired, I worry, stress and work myself into a tizzy that can last for days! I'm trying to sleep better by doing lots of kegels and not have to pee as much at night. I tried it over the weekend and it seems to be working...fingers crossed!

In general, I feel so strange about April. I've always loved Spring and especially April but my son Hunter was stillborn three years ago on April 30th. Last April, I was also pregnant, but ended up having a late miscarriage in May. This year, I'll be 35 weeks pregnant for Hunter's birthday, which makes me so happy/sad. I'm trying not to think about it too much...it's been such a long three years and I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel - when I will have a living baby..but I also miss Hunter so much and wish he was here. The seasons changing will forever be a reminder of April 2014, when my life was turned upside down.

Sending much love to you all.

Hello everyone :)

I'm starting to feel a lot better with my pregnancy, I am currently going on week 18 and I'm officially showing! Yay! I have also felt baby roll around, no kicks yet though! The moment I felt baby shuffle a bit I began to trust myself a little bit more that this pregnancy will go through. We have our next ultrasound on the 2nd of May on pregnancy week 21. We will also find out the sex of our baby then, which is super exciting! We really want to find out the sex, my hubby actually hopes it's a girl since he's grown up among three brothers! And we are actually getting married in two months! Hubby says he wants the baby to have the most perfect family when he or she comes. Him being so sure on this working out is really calming me down and making me happy.

I really hope you here are able to be as happy as I am :) I still have my doubts and low moments but we're getting there a week at a time.
Happy mom makes happy baby :D

And the weather in Finland is getting a lot warmer and the sun is shining! Which makes every single one here in Finland super smiley!

Lot's of happiness to you ladies,
Jessica

Well I'm losing my mind over here. I'm 9w1d. Last ultrasound was 11 days ago and I need reassurance. My morning sickness was debilitating last week and now it's pretty mild which is freaking me out. I'm a bit tired but that isn't surprising given that I couldn't sleep last night due to worry. My breasts feel like they are trying to escape my bra so that's good. No bleeding, maybe some stretching sensations that leave me worried that they are really cramps. I finally see my OB tomorrow. I have had multiple HCG draws, two ultrasounds done so I have been getting the reassurance. I hope they can show me something tomorrow to calm me down. I hate this. I want daily ultrasounds but I know it is unrealistic.

Thank you Gaby, for starting the conversation.

On December 18th, 2015 I gave birth to my first child, a still born son. The grief is sometimes unbearable. I had so many hopes and dreams for him. For our little family. It is heart-breaking to know that our precious Clark will never sit infront of our huge church audience, listening to our pastor tell him how Jesus died on the cross for us all. Or that he'll never meet his cousins, play hide and go seek with my husband and myself...etc. My precious little man will for ever be in my mind, daily!

Fast forward 14 months I took a home pregnancy test last
Thursday and found out that my husband and I are expecting! YAY, right? I know I should be over the moon ecstatic. However because of how painful, congested, stressed, nauseated I became with Clark, I'm scared I might lose this baby as well. I can't lose another child. Please, God let me keep this child!? I am also still in shock, my husband Terry and I had essentially given up having another baby. You see my last pregnancy not only was I not feeling well because of pregnancy symptoms; but I had a 14" long cyst that had attatched it's self to my ovary (one ovary was removed during surgery). That was heart-breaking to me.

After waiting until I was 19 weeks pregnant in order to remove the cyst in a safer time. I got to 30 weeks and lost our baby anyway.
So I told you this story to not only to help with the grieving process but in hopes that it gives hope to other women. It is possible to have a great loss like mine and my husband's. Then come out on the other side with renewed hope and most importantly renewed faith in a great future. Also a heart of Thankgiving to the Lord for his MANY blessings and the circumstances that he is putting into play all around us.
Thank you so much for reading.

Thank you so much, Gaby for starting the conversation thread.

I wish you all a happy and amazing life with family, friends, and MANY adventures!!
Sending prayers and hugs;
-Denise H-D

Hi all,

Michelle, I am glad you are making some progress on figuring out delivery options. My OB reminded me that I can always change my mind as delivery/labor approaches, but there is something nice, I think, about feeling like you have a plan in place. I share a lot of the same pros and cons that you mentioned. A c-section seems more controlled, quicker, and we can set a date for it. But I worry about complications from the surgery, liquid not getting squeezed out of baby's lungs, and longer recovery. Also, as this would be my second c-section, I am also worried about the risks of having had multiple c-sections for any subsequent pregnancies I may have, but my main goal of course is to have a live healthy baby this time. In terms of induction, my OB will only do one if I am at all dilated, because she doesn't want to rupture my uterus, so I feel like I can't really plan for this, and if the baby does not start coming on his own, I think it's unlikely I will be able to patiently wait past 38 weeks. In theory, I like the idea of just waiting until I go into labor on my own, and then coming to the hospital but who knows when/if that will happen. I will always wonder if I had gone to the hospital sooner, whether Sidney would still be alive. No matter what labor choice I choose, I know I want to be monitored the whole time in the hospital in case something goes wrong. I haven't started my NSTs yet, but they also monitor contractions, don't they, so maybe if labor seems feasible/close, I can just stay.....who knows?

I applaud those of you going to birth classes and prenatal yoga. I am too scared to go back to yoga. I was there the day before Sidney died, and don't want to be around happy glowing pregnant women, and have to do the check in and either be the one who reminds them that babies can die, or to have to hide Sidney's existence, and pretend everything is fine. I have been trying to get up the courage to go anyway though.

Anyway, positive thoughts to you all.....
Big hugs,
Dena

Hi Ladies,
Jessica - thank you for your uplifting post. I could really feel your happiness through your words. I live in Canada and we are starting to get some really nice spring weather. The nice weather really helps my mood and outlook as well! I am glad you are feeling confident in your pregnancy and planning a wedding, how exciting, congratulations!

Mom2htb - I totally understand the need for constant reassurance. Before I could feel baby I was absolutely beside myself with anxiety and worry before each appointment. My first OB appointment when I knew she was going to try and use the doppler (15 weeks), I could hardly breathe. I felt like she wouldn't find the heartbeat and as soon as she walked into the room and asked how I was, I burst into tears. Things are different now that I am almost 33 weeks. Although I still have A LOT of anxiety. I use my home doppler at least twice a week and every morning I need to feel her kicks to get my day started. The extra monitoring I started getting around 28 weeks has helped, but the anxiety certainly hasn't gone away. After going through this, we are warriors!!

As for my journey, I am still thinking about the great C section vs induction question, but not obsessing about it like I was. I really feel like I know the answer is a c section, I see my doctor tomorrow to go over some last minute questions but I think I will stick with that decision (knowing of course I can change my mind). I am now working on letting go of the idea of the kind of labour I wanted...I know that even if I chose induction it will not be like my first labor was (my living 3 year old son) and I will not be able to relax or enjoy it in any way, my experience of a stillbirth has unfortunately robbed me of a lot. I will never have such a good experience of labor and birth like I did with my first, but most important is bringing this girl home safe.

Michelle

I received my doppler yesterday and fortunately even though I'm 9w3d I was able to hear the heartbeat. I threw up last night for the first time since Sunday. I'm so happy for the little reassurances. My mood has overall been quite good. As someone who has a tendency toward depression I'm pleasantly surprised. I am starting to feel the pregnancy hormones making me miss my son who died even more. I keep on thinking of the things I wanted to do with him. I wanted to watch him giggle and smile.

My son who passed away was our third boy and we just cannot think of another boy name. Since my first we had a list of three boy names we loved and we used them all. Nothing feels right.

Hello beautiful mamas,

This is such an active thread! I don't think you 'need' me to chip in but I figured I could share and you can take it or leave it :)

The decision of (your preference) for how your baby arrives is so personal. Waiting it out, induction or c-section, they all have pros and cons. Keep researching, talking with others and professionals, and searching your soul. I think I read on Glow that if someone could guarantee our babes would be safest being delivered by hitting us like a ketchup bottle we would all do it :) so know and remind yourselves that whatever your choose, it will be right for you.

I would highly recommend talking to your health care providers to ensure they can make the environment as helpful to you as possible. I know some people have done hypnobirthing type of stuff, others hire a doula, others have a named professional doing the c-section for example as opposed to leaving it to whoever is on duty that day. Anything that helps with your anxiety should be tried!
It may also be useful to visit both labour and the post natal ward before the day, as they can be powerful triggers.

Aside from the decision on birthing preference, it could be useful to think about how / if you want to somehow remember your lost child in the day. I have a friend who bought a hospital gown with birds, as she uses the bird as a symbol for her beloved son. I took my battery operated candle that I used in Maia's birth and sits at home in her space (and is lit every night) to have with me in the post natal ward. And I kept my ring, the one we designed and had specially made after she passed away, even in theatre.

I hope this doesn't come across as patronising...It's such a difficult ride. But know that you are not alone!!!

Love and peace to all

Gaby thank you for your post! please chime in, as you know how this is for us and we need to hear from sucessful rainbow moms.

I was thinking about how to remember our sweet girl during our delivery this time, I am almost 16 weeks along with our ainbow, and am planning. Im a tad ocd. But want to bring my battery operated candle as well. We have our baby girl in the nursery in a glass cabinet with her pictures and momentos as well as her candle that we never turn off. I will bring one with us, Im glad you posted about it. solidified my decision.

Michelle - where in canada are you? I am also in canada, in ontario

Still0517 - I am in Ontario as well! Kitchener.

Having a bit of a rough time this weekend. One year ago tonight was the last time I felt my son kick. One year ago tomorrow we found out he had passed away and one year ago Tuesday he was stillborn. My heart is aching.

Michelle hugs to you. I am only one month behind you
My baby was may 17. Thinking of you and your baby tonight hugs

Thanks Still0517- where in Ontario are you?

Michelle, sending a big, squeezing hug. Anniversaries are rough. I hope you are able to mark it in a way that gives you some peace. We're here for you.
Sending so much love

Dear Michelle,
Thinking of you and your sweet little angel.

Lots of hugs a soothing thoughs

Michelle,
Thinking of you and little Cameron.
Dena

I am also thinking of you today Michelle. Sending love from London x

Just checking in here after a little hiatus.

Michelle- Thinking of you and Cameron. Luke's one-year is coming up. The diagnosis date is in about a week; May 12 is the date we delivered. I am dreading the weeks in-between, and that I think very few people will remember.

Sending hugs to you in Ontario.

Michelle, I am thinking of you and Cameron. The one year mark was so hard. Sending hugs!

Hi ladies,
How is everyone?

Michelle I hope the anniversaries were as gentle as possible.

Mom2htb, I meant to say last time about names for this baby. Don't worry about it too much (easier said than done). if you need a name and you're struggling, just give it time. It's part of reality setting in, I think. Even if you had a 'spare' name chances are you would reassess anyway. My husband and I could not pick a boy's name when I was pregnant with Maia but had three girls names... and had nothing for my subsequent pregnancy. Once we found out we were having a boy it took us two weeks to agree on one. Fairly intensive weeks, mind you, but it helped bond with our son. I know it can feel... Weird? But don't let it get to you. You can do this. You will find the right name in time. It might be after baby has arrived and you can see what he/she looks like. Doesn't need to be now. One day at a time. You're doing great!!!

Love and peace to all

michelle, I hope this week went ok for you and your husband, I hope the raw moments of Cameron's birthday were filled with love. I am in Barrie, not too far from you.

This thread is so active and I love how much support we can given each other during this time

I saw my OB this week, she is following me instead of my family dr, as she is super pissed taht we lost our little girl almost a month ago. I spoke with her about getting off of work early. I get 15 weeks of paid sick leave and intend to take them this summer. Ive already mentally checked out of work and in my field its not a good thing. My manager is on board which is nice

We have our 20 week ultrasound that was booked. I had to change the date. I couldnt imagine having an ultrasound for this pregnancy on the day that we found out our baby had died and we had our final ultrasound with her to confirm she had no hearthbeat.

Moved it to the day after our babys first heavenly birthday. I dont know what to do for that day yet. We are both off and I want to do something special for her. Something special for my husband. He hides his pain so well these days. I think he is being stoic for me. As I seem to be starting to unravel. I have been so good as of late, but with hormones brewing and her birthday growing closer Im torn. And then on top on it all milestones for this pregnancy.

Im babling now. But needed to get out what Im stressing about this week, work, ulrasounds, brithdays and gender reveals.

Still0517, I agree with you about how active and helpful this thread has been. I also relate to a lot of what you said about milestones and the general stress of being pregnant after loss.

I'm now 34 weeks pregnant and on a very close timeline to my son, whom I was pregnant with 3 years ago and who died during labour at 39 weeks. It's his anniversary/birthday on Sunday and I have started to feel a little anxious about it. On the one hand, I'm so happy and grateful to have come this far in my pregnancy (this is my fifth pregnancy and I have no living children), but I also miss him so much and have been thinking about him a lot lately. I'm having a cesarean in 3 weeks (May 16), so it's quite a mixed bag of emotions!

This Wednesday, my counsellor is taking my husband and I to the labour ward where our son was born/died, and where our daughter is due to be born in May. We haven't been back there since his death and I am really dreading it. However, we really want to do it as I don't want our daughter's birth to be the first time back there since 2014. It's such a complicated time.

Hi Everyone, thank you for your thoughts and kind words around Cameron's birthday. It was tough, but we made it through and had a low key day, took a drive to the beach as well.
I have decided on a c section and I am booked for May 17th. 3 weeks today! It still feels so far away!
Shannon I hope your son's birthday was as gentle as possible.
We are booked for our c sections a day apart!! Almost there.....even if it doesn't feel like it.
Michelle

Michelle, so glad to hear you made it through Cameron's birthday OK. Hunter's birthday is this coming Sunday (April 30th), am feeling pretty emotional about it but I always find the lead up to these milestones are tougher than the actual milestones. And so lovely to hear you are booked in for your c-section the day after me! I had a tour of the labour ward yesterday and it suddenly all felt so real and exciting. The countdown begins now!

Hope the rest of you ladies are doing OK.
Shannon.

Hi Shannon,
Just to send you a big hug and say that I'm thinking of you and Hunter.
Much love

I know it's May so a new thread will start but I wanted to send some love to you Shannon. I hope Hunter's birthday was an ok day. It can be so tough.
Michelle

Shannon,
I have been thinking of you and Hunter, and I hope Sunday passed as meaningfully as possible.
Big hugs,
Dena

Thanks so much ladies. It was a weird day...I miss my boy so much but am also feeling excited about his little sister's arrival in 2 weeks. We baked him a birthday cake and went for a long walk. It was a nice day but I felt so guilty and was relieved when it was over. I don't think it helps that this pregnancy is on such a similar timeline as his was. Only 14 days to go...it's all starting to feel so real!

Shannon,
just to say I was thinking of you and Hunter, and of your little girl who will be in your arms in no time at all!
It is ok to feel guilt for being happy thinking of your little girl... just remember that being happy does not mean you have forgotten your little boy or that you love him less... it is an amazing thing, our heart, mind and body... you always find new space to keep the love for each new child as they come.
Lots of love
Marta

Thanks Marta, that is so beautifully worded <3