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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Too sad to try again

My husband and I just started ttc this month after losing our 5 1/2 week old son this past December. I want to mother a baby on earth again so bad, but am in so much pain still, sometimes even too sad to have sex. I am also feeling a little pressured due to age. Such a horrible spot to be in.
March 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane
It is so hard, Cristiane. I am sorry you are going through this and that you lost your loved son. I too feel this push and pull of ttc. I want so bad to be pregnant again and to have a living child in my arms. I want something new to look forward to and to be motivated by. I want to anticipate the future again instead of only being disappointed at it and being pulled back into the past. But at times the process feels false. My heart is not what it was. I don't feel confident, desirable, or sexy. I feel just emptiness and loss. And because we cannot know the future, I am scared. Scared that it can't or won't happen. Scared because of the age thing too, stacking the odds more and more against us and raising the risks. And sad that we have to start again when we so briefly had exactly what we wanted and loved. I hope that this weight will lift and we will feel those things we want to feel again, even knowing that it will always be mixed with sadness and longing for our lost babies.
March 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSteph
Hi Cristiane, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I too feel pressure to conceive again, not due to my own age but my husband's. I'm 28 and he just turned 37. I really want him to be a father while he's still young, and we were expecting to have our Riyad with us a few weeks before his birthday. That obviously isn't what happened--he passed away and we "celebrated" my husband's birthday three weeks after he died. I don't have much to add because I am also in the TTC process, but I do understand the pressured feeling you have, although it's a little different.

The grief is still going to be raw for awhile. I know it's different for everyone but you just lost your son in December, and you had 5 1/2 weeks to really bond with him as a newborn, plus your entire pregnancy with him. He was a beautiful and loved part of your family. My son was stillborn so I didn't get to see him grow as a newborn, but if I had it would be a completely new layer of grief for me. I also think that, because I had my son in my stomach for 9 months, and I planned for a baby much longer than that, I can't expect to have less grief or feel ready enough to TTC within a matter of four months, which is how far I'm at now since his death. So, time-wise, I don't think I would ever feel totally "ready" to conceive. I am still sad, and it still hurts, but I've decided to start trying because I do want to mother a baby and see my husband become a father to a living baby while he is still young.

Not thinking about pregnancy and conceiving is more relaxing, though. Sometimes I would really like to take a long break from conceiving, take a year off, travel, relax. Instead I'm probably going to relax and travel while TTC, because I have that goal in my head...and my husband does too. His age plays a huge role in us making up our minds on whether or not we wanted to wait. You are not alone in all of this...thinking of you and your sweet baby boy.
March 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada