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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > March pregnancy thread

Hello to everyone who's been on this thread, or to anyone new who's joining...feels like February flew by but that could just be me.

Marta I am thinking about you & hoping you are doing OK...only a couple of days to go. You are the light ahead of the rest of us & a sending lots of good energy your way.

Michelle, so great to hear we are on the same timeline. Now that it's March, May doesn't feel so far away! Really glad to have someone to share the milestones ahead with.

Arav's Mom, welcome, glad you have joined. I'm also 26 weeks & on a very similar timeline to my son's death. He died April 30th and this baby is scheduled for c section on May 16. I find wearing the same maternity clothes that I wore with him a bit strange...I can see myself pregnant with him three years ago and now the "new" me. A bit battered and bruised but hopeful nonetheless.

Hope the rest of you are doing well...Emily Bw, April, Gaby, Michelle, Jessica & mother of boys.

March 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
A quick note to just say Hooray for March! I agree Shannon that Feb DID fly by. I am so excited to be almost 27 weeks!! Since I will deliver by 38 weeks I am almost in my 10 week countdown!!
Marta I am thinking of you daily!!
March 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

I have been slow to join here. I am almost afraid that posting about my pregnancy will jinx it or something, but I am reminding myself that this is not how things work. I am currently 22 weeks, 3 days pregnant, with my third son. This past May, my second son, Sidney, died around 37 weeks during labor (but before I got to the hospital). No clear cause of death was ever found (they have some vague hypotheses about cord accidents or bacterial infection), which makes me extremely anxious about how this little guy is doing. I am trying to take it one day at a time, and not over-analyze every little twinge or pain my body has. If things go well, we will deliver sometime in June, but I am not sure at exactly what week. I have been reading all of your stories and thinking of you often.

March 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDA
Hi everyone!
I think this will be my final post (as pregnant)...
Thank you all for your support, especially Gaby for reigninting the pregnancy thread. This journey was made of ups and downs, but together we will all of us make it! Months do fly by, and all of a sudden we have reached 20, 30, 35 weeks... and then it is just a couple of weeks!
May will come soon, and then june and july...

Today I finished packing my suitcase for maternity, choosing Rodrigo's first clothes, and all the other little things I could not bring myself to do out of fearthat I would jinx it!
Today I am happy and hopefull, and confident of a shiny future ahead, for us as a family, and for all of us ladies!

Dena, a warm and gentle welcome!

Lots of positiveness surrounding us all, to live each day and see us through to our goal!

hugs and kisses
thank you
March 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
I'm going to join here while I can. I got a positive test on Saturday. Unfortunately, I have a lot of early miscarriages and repeat chromosome abnormalities (like my son had). This one is pregnancy #9. Maybe this time will be the one!

Best wishes to all of you! It is so lovely to see other loss parents getting take-home babies. =)
March 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJM
Hi All,
I decided to give this forum a try to find some extr support. I had a miscarriage in October at 16 weeks. I recently found out that I am currently 6 weeks pregnant. I am switching OBGYN's to try a smaller practice that can hopefully take into consideration the anxiety I am feeling every day, throughout the day.

I am so sorry to hear about your 9 losses. How far along are you now? My due date is October 26th.

March 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
Whoops, looks like my last post was meant to be to JM, not Marta.

Marta, congratulations as it seems your due date is close!!!
March 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
Thinking of you, Marta!!! Do post when you can....
Welcome Dena, JM, and Ellen. Hope you have uneventful pregnancies and this group of brave, amazing ladies helps you through it.
Sending love and peace to all
March 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Ellen--I'm 5 weeks, but I haven't looked up a due date. One step at a time for me. If I make it to 6+ weeks and get a heartbeat we can schedule genetic testing for sometime around 10-12 weeks.
March 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJM
That's great and something to look forward to. What do you do in the meantime to keep yourself busy? I'm having a difficult time not letting my anxiety get the best of me. Most of the time when I go to the bathroom, i'm panicked about what I'm going go do if i'm spotting.

I contacted the specialist my husband and I met with once that took bloodwork from both of us for extensive chromosome and genetic testing. They took me this morning for bloodwork to confirm my pregnancy and said they are going to schedule me for an ultrasound. Although i'm not excited, it's comforting to have these doctor appointments. When will you be 6 weeks? Be easy on yourself!

March 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
A quick update

Rodrigo was born yesterday morning. He cried his lungs out as soon as he came outside, clearly stating he was very much alive and strong.
He was 3,050 kg and 47,5 cm. He eats very nicely, and already gave us 4,5h of sleep this night!
He is a carbon copy of Pedro (and also of my live older daughter Leonor too, when she was born 12 years a month ago). I think we only have one model. LOL
Pedro was the same lenght, but he was 34w -1d.

We are so happy!
To you all, I don't hope... I am extremely confident that if I made it, so will you! Time will fly away and before you know it, your little rainbows will be in your arms looking adoringly at you!

Keep sane and peacefull and calm and positive!
luv to you all
March 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Congratulations Marta!!!! You must be so relieved Rodrigo is here and healthy! I am so happy for you!!!
March 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Congratulations Marta and beautiful Rodrigo!
March 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKE
Congratulations Marta!
March 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
Congratulations Marta on a happy and healthy baby!

I am feeling a lot better thanks to the NT (Nuchal Translucency) scan. We got to see out little baby! I feel over the moon happy thinking about the scan! Baby was kicking and boxing and moving a lot and seemed to be doing super great. Doctor told me baby looked normal with no worries. Heartbeat was a whooping 164, baby was 6 cm long and the nt measure was 0,6 mm. As you may notice I take comfort in numbers :D. I started crying like crazy when me and hubby first saw baby and heard the heartbeat. It felt unreal that there was the beautiful little baby we had dreamed of and talked about for so long! I'm showing just a teeny tiny bit already and my hubby can't stop touching my belly :D

For those wondering, I am 12 weeks and 5 days pregnant now, due date is september 12th which is amazing, since hubbys birthday is september 8th!

We are so happy and wish to you all a good and carefree pregnancy, you deserve it ladies :*
March 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
Oh Marta that is such wonderful news, I am so happy Rodrigo is here safe and sound. It really does give me so much hope! My 10 week countdown starts tomorrow so I hope the time continues to go by as quickly as it has been.

Welcome Dena...I'm glad you decided to join. I was also hesitant at first as I've had multiple losses & had started and stopped on pregnancy thread a few times. It's so hard not to worry and over-analyse...I was sure I was going to miscarry for the first few months and now that I'm at 27 weeks, have convinced myself that if anything went wrong, the baby would be viable and could technically survive. Pregnancy after loss is so complicated!

JM welcome too....I also hope this will be the one for you. Nine pregnancies is tough, I am sorry you've had so much loss. This is my fifth pregnancy (no living children), so I can imagine how difficult it is for you.

Ellen, sending you gentle congratulations on your pregnancy. I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks last May and was also quite anxious the first few months of this pregnancy. It took me so long to be able to trust my body again (I have also had an early miscarriage, a medical termination and my son was stillborn at 39 weeks), but now, at 27 weeks I am finally able to relax and "enjoy" being pregnant.

Michelle/Jessica, so good to hear everything is progressing along with you both.

Sending lots calming vibes to you all, and congrats again Marta :)
March 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Just visiting this thread to say CONGRATULATIONS Marta!!! :) I am so happy for you and little Rodrigo!
March 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada
I'm back! I posted in the January thread but I ended up miscarrying at 6 weeks. I just barely got a positive test March 1st for another pregnancy y. Now after a 37 week stillbirth and a 6 week miscarriage I'm terrified!
March 5, 2017 | Unregistered Commenter6516legacy
Congratulations Marta! I'm so happy for you!
March 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
I am also 6weeks 4 days along! When are you going to see your Doctor? Having an appointment to look forward to outs me at ease, I don't know if you feel the same.

I am waiting for a call from the Specialist I saw a few weeks ago since now I know I am pregnant. The nurse that called me today said it's to discuss my options... I told her that made me worry and she said my tests came back positive for a blood clotting disorder. Does anyone else have this? She said I could take a baby aspirin a day and heparin by shot each day too to prevent any harm to baby. It was upsetting to hear that she would consider it an option because I immediately felt that of course I would do anything for this baby.

I have my first ultrasound tomorrow to look at the "sac".

Feel a bit worried... Ellen
March 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
Hi Ellen,
I'm actually more like 4 weeks along right now. I hope your doctor has good advice for you regarding a clotting disorder. I take baby aspirin due to having HELLP syndrome in a previous pregnancy. One specialist recommended lovenox for me this pregnancy but another said not to due to all my clotting tests coming back normal.
March 7, 2017 | Unregistered Commenter6516legacy
Hi Ellen,

Just wanted to let you know that after a number of losses & then a few months of testing, I discovered I have APS, a blood clotting syndrome. As soon as I fell pregnant this time, my doctor put me on daily heparin injections and baby aspirin (among other things) . I've been doing it for almost 7 months and have thankfully had no problems.

I hope your first ultrasound goes OK.

March 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
I'm sorry I misread your initial post. I'm sorry for your loss. Which Doctor have you decided to listen to in regards to the blood thinning injections?

Thank you! The ultrasound went well and everything looked normal. My Doctor started me on baby aspirin and lovenox today. I hope I get used to the injections as I had to talk myself through it today and do it for my baby. How far along are you now? I'm so glad to hear all is wel with you and your little one!

March 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
It's so encouraging to see you all posting! I feel like you are all my secret circle of friends- since you know I'm pregnant- the only others who know are my husband and doctors.

Marta- I'm so excited for you!!!

I went to my doctor and he was able to get a heart beat! The baby looked great but measured 6 days smaller than my *certain* dates. I know that's not unusual, but it was frustrating because I am SO excited to be pregnant for each extra day and week. And I was knocked back on my countdown nearly an entire week! So for their dating- today I am 7w6d pregnant! At 11 weeks, I am doing the ultrasound and genetic testing. Wish I felt Brave enough to bring kids and tell parents- but not just yet.

Have any of you heard of the newer genetic testing? Just from mom blood draw and ultrasound, they can detect fetal DNA... and you can know the gender as early as 10-11 weeks. Isn't that crazy? You can know if you are carrying a boy or girl before most people even announce their pregnancy. Isn't that incredible?? I always found out at the 20 week ultrasound. What do you all think about finding out gender so early?

I'm so excited, pukey, and scared. Pregnant! This is real!
March 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterApril
Congratulations, Marta! And welcome to the world, Rodrigo! And I'm glad he was loud, too. Great entrance!

Shannon--Pregnancy #5 is my living daughter. I'm so glad your #5 looks good now, too!

April--That new testing sounds amazing. That is what I'm hoping to have to rely on in 3-4 weeks, depending on what happens in between.

Ellen--I should be 6 weeks now, but I'm waiting on blood test results to find out whether it's still growing. I haven't had much anxiety about this--I work full time AND I'm on progesterone, so I won't miscarry naturally. If the hcg levels are growing we can look for a heartbeat this week. If they're not, I will stop taking the progesterone and try again next month.

Unfortunately, progesterone causes the same symptoms as pregnancy, so I have no idea what's going on in there.
March 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJM
Hi Everyone,
I love that time seems to be feel like it isn't but it also feels like I just discovered this thread and that was at the start of Feb, somehow a month and a half has passed!
Congrats to all the newer pregnancies here, wishing you all the best as we continue this journey together.
I had my first panic and visit labour and delivery moment the other morning. I had felt baby girl move, but her movements felt so decreased. I kept thinking what if I don't go in and she passes? What if going in means they catch something going wrong and she will still have a chance? So once I started thinking that I couldn't NOT go in. As soon as I got off the elevator at the L&D floor, my heart started racing. The last time I was up there was when I was leaving the hospital and my dear son behind. I went up to the nurses station and they asked me to come around the side of the desk which is right outside the room where my son was stillborn. I completely fell apart and could barely speak. Once I explained myself the nurses were so understanding. They took me for monitoring and thankfully everything with baby girl is fine. I start weekly non stress tests this coming week so hopefully the more I visit the hospital the less anxiety provoking it will be. It is going to be a really long 10 weeks! It took my breath away to see the room I delivered my son in. Seems like yesterday yet also lifetimes ago. His one year birthday is coming up and it's really hard. He would have been 11 months on the 18th of this month. I hope it's ok to mention him here, I know this thread is for pregnancy but he is heavy on my mind during this pregnancy for sure.
March 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
I will be thinking of you as you go for your heartbeat check.

Going back and seeing the room where you lost your son must have been so hard. It's good to hear the staff was supportive and made tou feel assured that your baby was okay. We are all here for you to help you get through the 10 weeks!

I started having some strange feelings in my stomach today. I'm thinking it was gas or possibly the large fibroid I have at the back of my uterus. It wasn't painful or cramping but I'm still feeling a bit worried. I am going for my 7 week ultrasound Wednesday morning but my area is expecting a big snow storm that may push it back... ugh!! Mother nature..

March 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
Congratulations Marta, how amazing!! February has flown by hasn't it. I am just about to go for my 20week scan NOW and really emotional about it. Its tough, Ivan's first anniversary is coming up on the 2nd April and i feel so confused. I feel really pregnant now and i keep thinking I'm having a deja vu and my due date is next month...its tough. But so elated to be pregnant at the same time. Hope you are all doing well.
March 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
Michelle I just saw your post. My heart really goes out to you. Its so so tough going for scans and revisiting the old places. Can I ask what your sons name is and I see he too was a April baby? When is your baby due now? I really really wish you all the best. I lost my boy Ivan last April and i also find this so hard, its like living two parallel lives isnt it. Im too expecting a baby girl in 17 weeks now.
Lots of love to you
March 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
Hi Heidi, Thanks for your message. My son was Stillborn on April 18th 2016 at 38 weeks and his name is Cameron. I am so sorry for the loss of Ivan. My daughter is due June 2nd, but my OB is thinking about an induction just before 38 weeks. How have you been coping this pregnancy? When is Ivan's birthday?
March 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Hi everyone,

I'm glad you're all here. I've been thinking about pregnancy a lot. I am trying to talk myself out of being nervous about being pregnant again. I know it's impossible. Something on my mind today is the idea that my next baby wouldn't be here if my twins had survived on earth. I am in the TTC boat at this point. I am happy to have you all here because I know you understand where my mind is right now. Thank you for listening and I am so happy for all of you. Positive thoughts xoxo
March 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
Hi Everyone!

Good to see you all here. It is very comforting to have others around (at least online) who understand.

Congratulations, Marta!!! I am so happy for you. And welcome to the world, Rodrigo. All the best for you all!

Thanks for your message, Shannon. Yes, it is a bit strange to wear the same clothes again and not having to buy anything, because we already have everything from last year. Arav's death anniversary is coming up this week and I have been a bit of a mess for the past 10 or so days. I am also just about three weeks ahead of the pregnancy schedule from last year with this new baby girl. She is scheduled to be induced around May 26 at 39 weeks. So far she is doing great.

I had my first panic visit to Labor&Delivery a week ago. I had a dream about my water breaking and then couldn't get that out of my head for several days. I started wondering if I was leaking amniotic fluid and then couldn't stand anymore not to get it checked out. It was nothing, but the doctor who checked me was very kind and understanding. It was good to see her on the ultra sound and make sure that she is doing ok. It was around the time of pregnancy when Arav passed, so I guess I reacted to that. I suspected that that was going on, but did not want to take a chance in case I wasn't just crazy. I know how it is to be right when you feel something is wrong... I have my regular appointment tomorrow and another in two weeks and then they will start weekly non-stress tests and growth scans until delivery.

Gentle congratulations on all the new pregnancies. It is such an emotional and stressful time to be pregnant after a loss/losses. I am sending all my positive thoughts your way! Each day at a time.

Thank you all for being here for each other!
March 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom
Michele Im really sorry you had to lose Cameron. Ivan passed away at 39.4 weeks on the 2nd April 16 and was born on the 6th. Its going to be a hard anniversary week. My daughter is due at the end of July but i also will be induced at 37 weeks due to a higher risk in my case of my placenta failing again. Strangly this pregnancy so far hasn't been half as anxious as i expected it to be. I know they will monitor me so much better this time round. But i have the odd days were i do get really worried, i think thats quite normal for us who have experienced such a shattering loss.

Lots of love to you all.
March 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
For those following along, I've stayed pregnant, and I'm now almost 7 weeks. I should be able to get a scan for the heartbeat next week. My doctor thinks it will be there based on symptoms and numbers. Based on when my other pregnancies have ended (they've either ended at ~4-6 weeks or made it to 2nd trimester), that's probably true. If so, we will move on to genetic testing in about a month. That's where things are most likely to turn south.

Also, it turns out that progesterone does not cause ALL pregnancy symptoms, so the nausea means it's moving along.
March 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJM
JM that's great to hear. One step at a time. I'm glad to hear your pregnancy #5 is your living daughter but also so sorry that you've been through so much. I was very nauseous for this pregnancy, which was tough but I was also relieved as it meant the pregnancy was lasting.

Ellen, hope your 7 week ultrasound went OK. I get worried whenever I have an unusual feeling too, especially as I regularly get a swollen vulva which is not very comfortable! I am 29 weeks which is just miraculous to me. I'm more hopeful that I was in the early months, but equally so scared.

April, I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until about 16 weeks. I was just too nervous & had convinced myself I was going to miscarry (this is my fifth pregnancy). In a way, I was glad I waited as this pregnancy has gone by much faster.

Michelle, I also had a wobble (24 weeks) and rushed into hospital for reassurance. Everything was fine but the doctors and specialists said we did the right thing going straight in. I'm also having this baby in the same hospital where my son Hunter was stillborn. It was almost 3 years ago but it feels like yesterday. I have terrible anxiety about going back to the labour ward, and recently started seeing my counsellor again (I've been seeing her on and off for 3 years, through the various losses I've had). She has kindly suggested we do a visit to the ward, at around 34 weeks, so when I go in to have this baby, it will not be the first time I've been back since Hunter died there. I know it will be heartbreaking to go back, but as you said it will hopefully be less anxiety provoking when I do go in for delivery.

Arav's Mom, I'm booked for a c-section on May 16 with this baby so not that far ahead of you. This baby is also a girl which I find strangely comforting. I think if it was a boy, I would have found it a bit more difficult. Either way, I'd be happy just to have a living baby!

Heidi, my son Hunter's anniversary/birthday is April 30th. He died in 2014 and I also feel very confused about being so pregnant this year for his birthday. I'm sorry you lost Ivan...I love that name. I'm also pregnant with a girl.

I'm 29 weeks today and going to hospital for my 28 week midwife appointment. I've also recently seen my OB and my hematologist & am back with my feel very well supported. The thing that I am most terrified about is the actual delivery. Hunter died right at the end of labour, at 39 weeks so I have opted for a c-section. However, I am as scared about that as I am about natural delivery. I've even asked if I can go under general anesthetic for it, but my OB advised against it because of the risks involved. I have 9 weeks to go so will try and get my head around it. I want a living baby so bad but I wish I didn't have to deliver it - if that makes any sense!!
March 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Shannon, I'm just popping in since this thread was of such comfort when I was pregnant with my son after my daughter was stillborn. I wanted to offer some reassurance on the csection--I had one with my son (he was transverse the whole pregnancy and with the abruption I had with my daughter, plus a uterine anomaly, I knew I'd have a csection very early).

Anyway, I was apprehensive too and of course just scared of everything but it turns out the csection was, for me, really healing. It's such a routine procedure, my OB, the anasthesiologist, the nurses, everyone, was so calm, it made me calm too. They were joking around, going through their lists very calmly (the head nurse kept saying it's time for list A, item 1, etc...the OB talked me through everything she was doing, they kept telling me how great I was doing, how the baby's vitals were great etc). Everyone knew my history and they were so kind and compassionate. My husband held my hand throughout and then he was able to help with everything while they were stitching me back up. My son was on me in minutes (the anasthesiologist kept holding my other hand until they were finished), I was able to try to nurse very quickly, and he stayed on me for hours after the procedure.

I just wanted to share that story in the hopes that it would bring you some reassurance and comfort. I look back on that day fondly and after the trauma of the induction with my daughter, it's a good memory to have: a very calm, uneventful csection. I hope yours is the same. Sending you some calm too.
March 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
AB thank you so much. Your words came at the perfect time and brought me so much comfort and relief. In fact, I have re-read them a few times.

Thank you again <3
March 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Hi Everyone,

I am back to the pregnancy thread after going through the anniversary week of my son’s stillbirth last year.

Shannon, I find it weirdly comforting too that I am having a girl even though it doesn’t really matter. It just makes it more obvious that this is a different pregnancy. My OB said that we will talk about a specific date for the induction at about 36 weeks. I am almost 30 weeks now and they are starting weekly monitoring in two weeks.

AB, your c-section story is very comforting to me even though so far it does not look like I will have one myself. Just to read that you could have a calm and happy birth of any kind after the trauma of a stillbirth is reassuring. I am a bit worried to relive the horrors of last year and freak out instead of being able to experience the birth of my hopefully living daughter. I will go back to the same hospital and hope that I get a chance to talk to the team about my story before. Did your delivery team know from the file or did you take any steps to talk to inform them? I am shy about things like that, but it might make sense to visit and find out who will be on duty as the induction will be scheduled anyway.

Heidi, I also feel less anxious than I expected most of the time, because they monitor me so much better. It also helped to get to the point when this baby started kicking a lot and reminds me that she is still alive.

Ellen and JM, I hope your ultrasounds went ok and you got to hear the heartbeat. I am keeping you in my thoughts!

April, I also didn’t tell anyone about this pregnancy for a long time. There are still friends and family members who don’t live close by who don’t know and I am 29 weeks now. It just stresses me a lot to talk about the pregnancy and accept people’s well-meaning congratulations when I don’t know if this baby will make it.

Sending hugs!
March 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom
Shannon and Arav's mom, I'm so glad that was comforting. Pregnancy after loss is so stressful...I just wanted to share. But to answer your question, I did discuss it before hand. I was at a fairly large practice--not the same where I had my daughter and also a different hospital--but I knew which doctor as soon as I scheduled the procedure and I knew her from some of my appointments and she is great. Young and chill and compassionate. So if you're able to schedule, that's something to think of--when is a doctor you like on? Then on the day of the c section, when I checked in, I had to fill out all these forms but one of them had a section about something like "things to know about you." So I wrote something like, "this is my second pregnancy. My first ended in stillbirth. Please don't ask me if this is my first, or if this is my first delivery. Please keep me updated on how the baby is doing." It was nice to have this written thing because I think everyone had to read it during my entire stay. Thinking of you. The run up to the time we lost our babies in the previous pregnancy is hard but the unknown of the after, the stress of will it happen again but even later, the preparing for baby when you're scared of jinxing things by's a fucking marathon of stress, emotion and grief. Sending you big big hugs and lots of gentleness and patience.
March 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Hello ladies,
Thank you for all the kind words...
This thread seems to be growing and growing, so a gentle welcome to all new comers. For me having this support was crucial and I hope it will be the same for you all!

For Michelle, Arav's mom and Shannon... lots and lots of sanity... May looks very far away but its not!
I remember being in your place, and its soooo stressfull. On one hand you feel I made it this far and on the other you are scared of all the what ifs.

I had my schedulled c-section for Rodrigo on the same hospital where I had my emergency c-section of Pedro and did my D&C of little Hope.I have to say that the D&C was more traumatic to the point where they put me to sleep and did not take me to the recovery room but to my own room. I kept relieving Pedro's death and birth...
This time I was surprised just before the procedure that I would be given an epidural... Quite frankly it was nice not knowing about it, because I just stressed over it then nd there, but did not have time to get overanxious about it. Hearing Rodrigo's first cry as he was pulled out was the best moment... and I would not give that up for anything

When we brought him home we stumbled with all the things we did not have ready for him! As you may understand, and remember from my posts, that dark shadow of jinxing it followed me to D-day... So we got home in the late evening and just had to take apart his crib to transport it to our room and then assemble it back togheter again.
And because it was really cold, he ended up sleeping in our bed, so it was a big rush for nothing and we could have let it stand till the next morning!

But the thing is, it doesn't matter! It is a funny story to tell... If you don't mention why it was not there in the first place! And everything worked out fine! We have been buying the stuff we really need every other day!
Rodrigo is a copycat of Pedro, to the point where holding him a sleep sometimes made me feel a little freaked out! But then again, he is also a copycat of my holder, living daughter, easing my mixed feelings to some point.

Leaving the hospital, going over the looong way away from the maternity ward was another strssfull moment! Remembering doing the same walk two years ago, but empty handed at the time, thinking then, we will be here again and we will be like all the other couples! We will be pushing a (cant remember the translation) baby-car!
And so we did... except the hallway was empty and really silent, and the car, after being unused for those 2 years and a half was in need of oil in the weels and it felt like we were transporting a duck with us... quack quack quack!
And so the strange feelings were surpassed by a wave of stupid laughter, that really hurts because of the sutures!

We still live day by day... much less stressed, but i discovered that both me and husband were looking in, poking Rodrigo, while he slept just to make sure he was still alive and breathing... as days go by the anxiety subsides, but...

About the new genetic tests, I discovered Rodrigo's gender that way. Much much earlier than usual!

Lots of peace and soothing love to you all and positiveness going your way! I am confident that you will all have your little rainbows with much success!
Hugs and kisses
March 23, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta

How far along were you when you got Rodrigo's genetic results? I'd like to get results sooner than 12 weeks! (Here's hoping.)

My u/s is Monday--I should be about 8 weeks, and we will finally see what is going on.
March 24, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJM
We did the test around the 12 week scan... But I remember reading about it and the highest tistical confidence was if you did the test from 10 to 13 w, where 11, 12 was the ones wiith highest number of samples, which means more robust statistic analysis.

Since we had amiscarriage right before Rodrigo, we decidedto confirm with scan before spending that much money.

good luck for you JM
March 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi JM, it's so good to see you here! I had the Materniti21 test around 12 weeks. I believe they can do it as early as 10 weeks. There is an even more advanced test now then there was 2 years ago. I know 2 weeks seems like a lifetime. I hope it isn't too stressful. I've had 4 early lossses and it is incredibly hard to believe any of it is real or to have any confidence that it will progress. Hang in there!

I had my 20 week us this past week and everything looked great with baby. However I had a bit of a surprise. I needed to get a copy of the report as I'm switching OBs. Long story short I found out I'm having a boy. I was super surprised by this as I did not want to know the gender and didn't expect to see anything on the report other than hum drum numbers and measurements. Crap. I was filled with a bunch of emotions that I didn't expect. I didn't know why I thought I was having a girl but there it is in black and white, I'm having a 3rd boy. Which in actuality I am thrilled by. Boys are amazing and wonderful and I love them but a small part of me feels disappointed and from there extreme guilt. Why oh why did I look at that report. I never expected I would be lucky enough to have three kids why the f am I taking this so hard. I feel like a spoilt child. I would tell me to grow up be thankful and grateful for all the good I have received and start looking at all of that instead. Ugh. So conflicted.

I'm sorry I'm being a total downer. Where is Marta when I need some optimism?!
March 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi everyone!

JM - best wishes with you ultrasound tomorrow. I usually have very bad anxiety the morning I wake up for an u/s until they tell me they see a heartbeat. If I can give you any advice, talk to your doctor or whoever is performing the u/s and tell them how you are feeling! Have faith that your little one is healthy! My Doctor told me the chance of miscarriage goes down drastically after 8 weeks and to think about that and how thia pregnancy is different from the last <3

Emily BW- i'm sorry to hear about your unexpected gender results and guilt of feeling disappointed. I absolutely think that is normal to be sad it's a boy. Try and think about when you deiver that heathy baby and how excited you are going to be!!! I truly think that the moment you lay eyes on him, your wish of a girl will disappear.

I am currently 9 weeks, 3 days. I have a ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday! I have been having back pain, major bloating and some abdominal pain. I'm hoping my fibroid is degenerating but analyze everything I feel and get myself all worked up. I've been having nightmares od my loss and seeing my daughter lifeless on the ultrasound. Each day is hard..

Thinking of you all!
March 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
AB — What a great idea to ask who is on duty when scheduling the induction! That hadn't even occurred to me. I hope they also give me a form like yours. It sounds good to be able to write it down once and not to have to explain myself to everyone. Yeah, this pregnancy is stressful. It is a constant up and down of emotions. Some days I'm depressed, some days I'm scared, sometimes I'm even excited.

I had the weirdest moment at my last OB appointment. The doctor gave me a prescription for a milk pump. I was irritated for a moment and thought why would I need something like that? Then I realized that I might actually have a baby after the pregnancy. This is my third pregnancy after one miscarriage and one stillbirth and I had somehow settled into my "reality" that I am pregnant and go through the motions, but that there will never be a baby.

Marta — Thanks for the encouragement! We are slowly starting to prepare now. It is not easy and we are always scared to jinx it (not that I believe in that stuff), but little by little we are taking bolder steps to ensure that the kid has a place to sleep and stuff to wear when she hopefully arrives alive. Only a bit over 8 weeks left!

We are also already stressing about SIDS. I can see us doing the same — constantly checking if the baby is still breathing. Has anyone here thought about getting one of those monitors that you can put under the mattress to make sure that the baby still moves/breathes? I heard from a friend of a friend that it drove the parents crazy, because it went off all the time. They said it was like the boy who cried wolf at some point… Does anyone have any experience with this?

JM, I will be thinking of you at your ultrasound tomorrow!

BW — so sorry you are having a hard time with the sex reveal. It is emotionally complicated no matter what the sex of a baby after a dead baby is. I think if I had had another boy I would have been anxious about the thought of "replacing" him. When they told me it was a girl I was initially upset that I might never be able to parent a boy. For me these thoughts calmed down after a couple of weeks. Really, what I was upset about was not the sex of my new baby, it was my son who died.

Thinking of you all!
March 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom
Arav's Mom - I worry about SIDS a lot too. Since losing our son, I worry about losing everyone I love. My anxiety has become huge. I especially worry about my 3 year old son and my current pregnancy. I have looked at various monitors and have heard the same thing you have about movement monitors. I am looking at getting the owlet monitor. It tracks heart rate and oxygen levels. I think it is more reliable, and more up to date technology. Check out the website and see what you think.
I have similar thoughts when someone talks about something that will occur after baby has arrived. I have a friend who will be giving birth in the next few weeks and when she talks about us being on maternity leave together I catch myself thinking "what you are you talking about?" but then I realize that the plan is I will have a baby here in a couple's just because I have been here before, I have been so close only have to have it all taken away 10 days before my due date. I just hope this time is different.

JM and Ellen - good luck with your ultrasounds, I am thinking of you both!
March 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
No heartbeat. It looks like it stopped growing around 6 weeks. 😞 Guess I will see you all in a couple months with the next one.
March 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJM
JM - I am so sorry to hear this devastating news. I really don't know why life is so unfair, you have mentioned you have suffered lots of loss. I wish I had words of comfort for you, I am sending gentle hugs your way. I'm so sorry.
March 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please know that we are all here for you. What did your Doctor say is next? Please keep is posted! Sending love your way.
March 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
Aww, thanks guys. It makes me so sad and angry to have to deal with this all the time, but it really does help to receive all of your kind words.
March 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJM