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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Weight and subsequent pregnancy

Hi,

I have an issue of concern--my husband and I have unofficially started to TTC again. I initially wanted to drop all the baby weight I gained with Riyad first, and my high risk OB mentioned this as well. It was annoying that she brought it up, but she did it in a very polite and cautious way--asking me not to get upset, but stating that I would have to lose about ten pounds and more if I'd like to reduce any and all risks of stillbirth in a subsequent pregnancy. I didn't gain too much weight with him--I believe I maxed at a 35 pound gain before I delivered him and I've lost 15 of those pounds. So I still have twenty pounds left that I've been trying to get off with very healthy eating and exercise. I was also very active my entire pregnancy with Riyad and am normally active. But I think generically I just tend to put on a bit more weight than other pregnant women (my mom gained 60 lbs with each of her children and lost the weight each time). I'm getting there and probably need another month or two but since my husband and I have sort of "in-the-moment" started it makes me nervous that I could be pregnant again sooner than I'd physically like...but honestly, it would be welcome to me mentally and emotionally.

I am being more aggressive about weight loss now because the first two months of grieving I didn't even want to think about exercise, since my mom and even my husband at one point temporarily questioned exercise as a possible cause for my son's death. They didn't bluntly say it, but they did ask my OB--who quickly dismissed that as a myth and assured me I did everything right. But it stuck in the back of my head so getting on the same elliptical machine I was on my entire pregnancy at home is sort of a guilt trigger for me. Now I have to bear it because I don't want to find myself pregnant and at a "higher risk of stillbirth" because I held onto some baby weight! The thought of that really stresses me out. I have so many mixed feelings. Focusing on weight loss now is a good goal for me to distract myself and make myself feel better, but it also adds stress on top of the TTC and grief. I can just think of exercise as a mental relief, which is how I used it while pregnant, but then I have that guilt that maybe I worked too hard while pregnant and hurt Riyad somehow...
And NOW if I'm suddenly pregnant again soon I am already posing a risk to this child as well???

Those mamas that have had a subsequent pregnancy after loss, did you lose all your baby weight beforehand?
February 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada
We are trying to conceive after our loss and while I would prefer to lose weight before getting pregnant, IMHO since I am not obese I don't think it matters a lot. I have had 3 live births. With each pregnancy I weighed more, they say with each child you keep 5 pounds. I was 125 when I got pregnant with my 1st, 134 with my 2nd and 136 with my third. Now I am probably 142. I have such a hard time with weight loss because I am so sad and I hurt my back so I can't exercise. It will be 2 months tomorrow since our 15 month old son's death.

Not sure this is helpful but good luck.
February 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
No I didn't! But after my rainbow I found it very easy to lose it all and then some. Good luck with your TTC journey. x
February 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
I think it can be bit tougher when we cant breastfeed which does help a bit with the weight loss...i found it harder to shed the pounds and had to combine exercise with diet...and that was hard. Initially i lost my appetite but then i definitely started comfort eating...i lost it eventually, it took me a good 6 months to get closer to my pre-pregnancy weight and I'm now pregnant again. Don't be hard on yourself, you get there. And i really just wanted to say: I also got SO SO many backhand comments about my amount of exercise and physical job being queried as cause of may sons death...so hurtful and SO medically unsubstantiated. But i know how you feel! I also got loads of comments suggesting my choice of going for a baby moon (best thing i did because its the best memories i have of my boy) was a cause. People don't realise how sensitive we are to being guilt tripped. Please don't let it get to you, exercise is 100% positive in pregnancy. xxx
March 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
Denise, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to conceive as quickly as you are comfortable with and get your rainbow. And yes as long as you are healthy I doubt it matters. I understand what you mean.

Shelby's Mum, congratulations on your rainbow, and thank you.

Heidi, thank you for sharing that with me. My community is a bit narrow-minded so I get those comments sometimes, and sometimes I can just feel them--I just know people have been questioning that as a reason for my son's stillbirth. I absolutely hate it. And yes, like you said, it is medically unsubstantiated. I'm not really comfort eating but I'm finding it more difficult to lose the weight with just diet alone, so I need to exercise more. Grief sometimes sidetracks me though and I am sick of my home machine so I must go to a gym as soon as possible. But at the same time I hate being around other people there, if that makes sense, I am super sensitive and imagining every woman I see as a happy mom with multiple children. It's hard to explain but that's just how it feels right now. I need to take it easier on myself, I know, I am still losing weight but just impatient with the slow rate. If my son was living and here with me, I wouldn't be impatient though. Congratulations on your current pregnancy, I hope you have your rainbow in your arms soon.
March 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada