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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > bleeding during pregnancy

I am now pregnant for the 3rd time. My first baby, Ruby, died in-utero at 22wks due to placental insufficiency. I then had placental insufficiency with my second baby, who thankfully survived. He was born via induction at 37 weeks because his heart rate was dropping. He had an APGAR of 1 at birth, but rose slowly over the next 10 minutes after being resuscitated. I just found out I am pregnant again last week and now I have bright red spotting. This is exactly the time when I spotted in both of my previous pregnancies, which was the first indication of complications.

Now, of course, I am already convinced that this one won't even make it another week, let alone into the second trimester.

I am feeling full of self-pity. Why can't my pregnancies be simple? Why do my babies have to fight so hard to get here?

I know that I am putting the cart before the horse on this. I am only like 5 wks along, so this could be the beginning of an early miscarriage rather than the beginning of a long struggle to get a baby to the delivery room. But neither or those options are particularly appealing.

I am super jealous of people with carefree pregnancies (as I am sure we all are).


If you read, thanks!
February 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRuby's Mom
Dear Ruby's mom,
I read your little rant and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you! Maybe it is nothing... I do so hope!
Lots of positiveness going your way to help you overcome this little bump in the road and to give you a little sanity, for a bright uneventfull future!

February 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Thanks for the reply, Marta. It looks like it was probably a chemical pregnancy because my bleeding increased dramatically last night. I took another pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. It's a definite bummer, but I would absolutely prefer this to losing another baby. That sounds terrible!!! I don't mean that I want to have a miscarriage, obviously. But if I am going to lose a pregnancy, I would definitely prefer for it to be early on, when there is no baby and no chance that it feels pain. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound awful.
February 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRuby's Mom
Ruby's mom- I am so sorry for the loss of this pregnancy. I am in the middle of my pregnancy after loss, and I can completely relate to the feeling of "if it's going to end, let's just get this over with now". Obviously I am happy that I am still pregnant (this pregnancy was a choice) but every day it continues it raises the stakes. Take care of yourself and I hope you get your second healthy baby.
February 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
I am sorry it was not to be...
But I sincerely understand you. At leadt you can move on quickly and suffering was minimum for everyone!
All the best for your future... be it normal as you so wish!
February 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi, Ruby's Mom.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's upsetting and not fair. I certainly understand your sentiment about wanting a simple pregnancy. I've never had one and I never will. It's hard not to be jealous of those moms. And, what you said about feeling better to have an early miscarriage is SO much better than losing another baby is really ringing true with me, and ,matching my current thoughts. I also just found out I am very early in this pregnancy- like 5-6 weeks, and I perviously lost my son at 28 weeks due to an abruption. I keep finding myself praying that if I'm going to lose this one, that it happens SOON. What an awful thought- but I really think it's normal. We just want to protect our hearts-and don't want to add to that crazy pain we have already experienced. Losing a baby, especially after you've spent more time feeling them move, getting to see actual toes, fingers, face, later on is just plain harder in my opinion. (I have also had 2 miscarriages in the past). That pain is awful too, but there is just something harder (to me) about losing a baby later on. Like you were able to sink into the idea of them, the dream of having them in your life, for longer. it's a scary tough road. I'm hoping your heart is feeling cushioned and safe right now. Take care of yourself and do what you need- going through this early miscarriage is still traumatic and it will probably dredge up the trauma you have been though. Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts.
February 16, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterapril