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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > February pregnancy thread

Hello ladies,
First month of the year, done!! Hope you are all as well as you can be, and finding as many moments of peace as your heart needs.
As usual, feel free to post whatever you want to share, what's up this week, mixed feelings, appointments, weird dreams, anything that might help with your sanity :)
Sending love
February 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi Gaby, Thanks again for starting this month's thread. How are you doing?

I have been thinking of everyone, especially Marta. I'm wondering how you are as another week goes by, are things easier? I hope so.

My next appointment is tomorrow. I'm glad I found a friend to watch my 1 & 3 yr old while I'm at my appointment as taking them really adds to the stress.

Hope all is well with everyone!
February 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi Everyone, Just wondering how this thread works? Is it for Mother's due in Feb? Conceived in Feb? Or just pregnant currently? I am 23 weeks after losing our son last April. Would love to have others to chat with in the same boat.
February 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMother of boys
Mother of boys, its for anyone who is pregnant after loss!
February 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAnon
Wow, February is starting very quiet here. I hope everyone is ok. Welcome Mother of Boys, you are more than welcome to join the thread!

I had my 12 week appointment today. They did the blood draw for the Materniti21 test. And other than that it was pretty ok. It took the OB forever to find the baby on the Doppler and it felt like each second was an hour. I was getting prepared to hear her say let's switch to the sonogram and then she picked it up way over to my left and up high. I was relieved but wondering how baby could be so far up at this point.
February 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi Emily,

Yes, super quiet!!! But you're not alone :)

Glad everything went well with the appointment. I remember holding my breath every time I went for a scan until I could feel the kicks and be assured that at least baby was alive (which then narrowed down the horror scenarios to low fluid, slowly failing placenta, etc etc). It's amazing how much room they have in the early days! Keep breathing, mama, you're rocking this.

Out of curiosity, is the maternity21 test standard in the US or did you request it specifically?

How are you feeling...?

Sending love to you and all reading this thread
February 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi Everyone, I am happy to have found this thread.
A little bit about me. I have a 3 year old son. We lost our second son at 38 weeks, no cause ever found. That was last April. I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. There have been A LOT of emotions this pregnancy, excitement, anxiety, sadness, guilt. I am still adjusting to the idea of having a girl, but I am getting excited. I go from excited to scared in the same day, I just want her here so badly, and I want her healthy. I am so happy to have found a connection to other's on this journey.

Emily, I feel anxiety before appointments too. It is getting better though, the past few weeks. I expect my anxiety will rise the farther along I get. I have a doppler at home which helps when I have those anxious moments.
February 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMother of boys
Hi Gaby, good to hear from you! The Materniti21 test is not standard here in the US. It's quite expensive if your insurance doesn't cover it. However, since I'm 40+ they cover it. I think it's around $1500 if you pay out of pocket. Is the test standard in other places? It seems that if you have good insurance then the doctors will do as much as insurance will cover. I had 2 anatomy scans last time because of a concern with birthweight and they wanted to do a 3rd one but I declined it as it seemed excessive. The scans were covered at about $2000 each. In someways I think it's great that they are cautious but it could be extremely expensive without insurance coverage. I'm still dealing with morning sickness all the time. I'm really hoping it starts to get better.

Mother of boys, I was thinking about getting a Doppler but haven't so far since they are better later in pregnancy, at least the ones I've found. And I also think I might drive myself crazy if I can't find the heartbeat. I could see myself totally freaking out. How has it been for you? It seems like everyone is having a girl! I have a 3 yr old son as well. How is yours doing with the baby? I haven't even begun to try and explain as it's seemed to soon but I think I might need to prepare him at some point. I'm 13w3d today. What did you do? I know the anticipation of the appointments is awful. I am actually kind of annoyed with my OB. She seems like she's in such a hurry at every appointment it's seriously less than 10 mins. And she was supposed to do my annual yesterday and totally skipped it. I'm going to be switching in a few months anyway so I'm trying not to think about it.
February 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hello ladies!
Thank you Gaby for starting the thread! Thank you Emily for wondering about me! I am so glad your scan was all good news!
Welcome Mother of boys!

My last 2 weeks were a wirlwind of emotions! I passed the 34w threshold, and then it was my (alive) daughter's birthday which will always and forever be marked with that dark cloud that it should have been my 2nd son 's birthday too.
I don't recall if I shared this or not, but I never tire of remembering... My 2nd was an unplanned "oops" that was due on his big sister's due date, but 10 years apart. We lost him at 34w-1, one week before 2014' christmas. A hidden placental abruption, with no apparent causes.

Andwe are now on week 35!
So we had an appointment this monday, that went ok. Did a CTG that showed no contractions but a looot of baby movements! Rodrigo is really a good little boy that turns my belly into a worldwind, literally! And nearly full time!
He will give me an hour's rest, and then wake up and start again. Its nice because he keeps reassuring me he is ok.

We have finnally a schedule, so in 2 weeks (37w) we will do a last scan, and then in the beginning of march we will have our c section.
I am a little afraid of waiting that long, but it is better than having problems after birth because of unmaturity.

We have really started preparing his room, but the bed is there and not in hour bedroom. Last time we had just brought it from my uncles home, and...
Leonor, my now 12 y old little/adult daughter is excited but I found her layng down on her brothers crib... It was funny. Last time she had prepared her own maternity bag, with toy diapers and clothes, but also her own underware! It was a sweet sweet moment, but also so sad, because I onlyfound it some months after Pedro's loss.
I started telling her about which day the c section might be booked, and she went to her school calendar to tell me, please not on day this or that because I have a presentation or a test...

Things are calmer, a sense of everything will be ok this time issurrounding us, so it is just a question of waiting/surviving the next 3 weeks!
Please, never ask me about the actual date, I am a very supersticious/obessessed with number patterns, and both Pedro's and Hope's pregnancies had special dates. There are no more fixed numbers...

Following this Maternity21 test, is that the "new"genetic testing?
If it is, it is very expensive in the US.
I live in Portugal, and the full thing, with all chromossomal testing was only 600 eur or 700.

Lots of love and positivness to us all
February 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi ladies, I changed my name from Mother of Boys to Michelle. That was the name I used when I first came across this site, but I am no longer a mother to just boys I guess!

Emily, I was unsure about getting a doppler in the beginning as well, I bought it around 18 or 19 weeks. The first few times I had trouble finding the heartbeat, since the placenta will register as well. After listening closely at my ob and doing some research online, I can now recognize the sound of the heartbeat (sounds like galloping horses) over the placenta (more of a swooshing sound). I can usually find the heartbeat within 5 mins but it takes practice. It certainly may not be for everyone, I don't allow myself to go crazy but in the days I have those thoughts that I haven't felt her in awhile, the doppler helps. I would say I use it about twice a week. We shared the news with my son around 20 weeks, he doesn't remember our loss so he is very excited. I have moments where I hope we aren't going to have to break his heart but other moments where I just embrace his hope and excitement. After all we have been through we deserve to feel hopeful.

Marta, congrats on coming to the end of your pregnancy! I am sure you are filled with many different emotions at this time. It's interesting to hear where everyone is from. I live in Canada.

I am wondering how everyone's husbands are experiencing this pregnancy after loss. With my previous pregnancies, my husband would touch my belly and talk to the baby. This one he is not. I know he is just really fearful, but I really worry about him. I feel like he isn't bonding with the baby. Any advice?

Take care everyone!
February 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Dear Michelle
This road trip has been tough on both me and my husband. To some extent he, like me I guess, was fearfull of attaching too much...
But the big diference is that we mothers feel the baby, so even if we fear, we will do our bond.
Rodrigo was a very naughty boy in the begining, so every time someone touched my belly he would stop and stand still.
So it was a bit frustrating for my husband.

I never forced him to touch, talk, etc. because it is a bumpy road trip for each of us. But I talked, and still talk about how he kicks, like small way of reassuring him, we are still here, the both of us!
I also started to ask my husband to sooth Rodrigo when he was kicking too much... Lately it does not work anymore, because he will keep moving anyways, but it was a way of... making my husband bond, without him noticing!

Baby steps... give him his space... but gently bring him to feel safe in participating!
I dont think it will ever be the same... the innocence is lost and the terror is very real... for all of us!

I hope it helps.
February 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi Marta, it sounds like you are doing well. I'm so glad to hear. And only a few more weeks to go! We're cheering for you!

Michelle, you're question about husbands had me thinking. It was extremely hard for us after our second loss to communicate. I fell in to a deep depression and my husband blamed himself for everything while I blamed myself. It was very hard for us to speak. We both kind of hid our feelings and that's when I sought counseling help. That helped tremendously. I wish he would have gone with me but he doesn't believe in it. I think husband's really have a hard time since they don't have the physical connection like we do. It all seems so abstract until there is a baby they can see and touch. And even after our second son was born it did seem to take some time for him to connect. Now with this pregnancy he's been very affectionate and hopeful.
February 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hello everyone!
We are still here... counting down... but still here! :)

All of a sudden I have realised maybe we are not fully prepared, so this past weekend was a whirldwind of shopping and washing...
Mixed feelings still accompany us, but there is a genral sense of positiveness that keeps us going forward. Thank you so much for your support!

How are you all doing?
Emily, do you have your results of the Maternity21 test by now?
Michelle is your little girl kicking a lot by now?

Hugs, good things and low insanity to us all
February 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi everyone! :)

I am currently going on week 10 and it is so nerve wrecking since my first pregnancy ended week 10. It has been rough mentally. I kind of want to be excited but not too excited since I don't know if this will end well and it's driving me nuts. At moments me and my hubby talk about baby names and stuff we want to buy and don't want to buy, but then I remember the miscarriage and try to not talk anything about it.

I have a NT-scan coming up in week 13 and it feels a year away. MY stepmother told me the pregnancies will go by so fast. HELL NO. It feels like I'm going to be pregnant forever... :D I just want to cuddle my baby already!

Are NT-scans mandatory anywhere else? Here in Finland all pregnant ladies automatically get one done at 12 or 13 weeks.

Sending love to you mamas :*
February 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
Hi Everyone,
Jessica - congratulations on your pregnancy! The anxiety and nerves can be really fierce! Something only Mothers like us can truly understand. I was just saying to my husband last night, I want to just be excited. I mean I am excited of course, but there are so many other feelings. I just wish I could feel the same naive excitement I felt during pregnancy, before I experienced loss. I live in Canada and I am not sure what NT scan stands for. Do you know? I know with my current pregnancy they did a scan around 6 weeks and then another around 12. The early one was a dating scan and the next one was the IPS testing for various abnormalities- I believe that one is optional. Since then I had an anatomy scan at 19 weeks and most recently a growth scan at 24 weeks.

Marta - you are getting so close! I am sure emotions and anxiety are at an all time high. I will be thinking of you over the next few weeks!

Thank you to those of you who had some advice about my husband. We both go to counselling and I know he is excited and really wants this baby and he will bond, just not in the same way I am yet. Just as we grieve the loss of our son differently, I think we are both dealing with our emotions about this pregnancy differently.

Hang in there everyone...I know some days I just want time to pass but I am trying to remind myself not to wish away today. Today I have an amazing 3 year old who I just registered to start kindergarten in the fall. He is so funny, smart and curious. Today I have a baby girl kicking away in my belly and I am so blessed to have her with me, I will be 25 weeks along tomorrow. Today is a good day, Today I choose to be hopeful for the future but also enjoy all the blessings I have now. Much love everyone!
February 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Hi Michelle, and thank you for replying :)

I'm just going to copy-paste it from somewhere since I don't really know how to explain it myself :D

''The nuchal translucency scan (also called the NT scan) uses ultrasound to assess your developing baby's risk of having Down syndrome (DS) and some other chromosomal abnormalities, as well as major congenital heart problems.

The NT scan measures the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average. The NT scan is not invasive.

The NT scan must be done when you're between 11 and 14 weeks pregnant, because this is when the base of your baby's neck is still transparent.''

Taken from babycenter
February 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
Hi Jessica, that is what the scan here is all about too. For some reason they call it IPS screening. I have always had it done but I believe it is optional here. For me, I just see it as another chance to see baby!
February 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Hi, Ladies.
I can't even believe I'm posting here. It's been almost two years since my son was born and lost at 27 weeks due to a complete abruption. First I was SOO anxious and excited to try again. I ticked away each day until the one year mark when we were medically cleared to TTC. My husband was not. Then it seemed he was ready, (a few months after the one year mark), that scared me and I was not. Then we seemed to align that we were ok to try. In the past it took us 3-4 years to even conceive. I think knowing that, we assumed it would take a good while. But on the first try, we are pregnant. We are both in shock- and on this emotional roller coaster. I will be 6 weeks tomorrow. I am scared, excited, terrified. I am normally pretty logical and not super swept up in emotions (I really don't like emotions, and it has been a healthy thing figuring out feelings and emotions because when you lose a child you HAVE to deal with feelings). I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or what but I get SO irritable, emotional, that i feel like hiding in a hole. My feelings get hurt easily and I hate it. So many conflicting emotions. I keep praying that if we lose this baby that it be sooner than later. I feel pretty guilty about that. We have two kids who are desperate for a younger sibling. I can't even fathom telling them. Losing their baby before was so awful- I can't imagine them living through that again. And our families were pretty devastated also. I keep wondering how long I can potentially hide this pregnancy- can we wait until we have a healthy baby in our arms?? Or tell people a month before delivery? I have had three pregnancies where I got larger/delivered. And I was proud, excited to show off my baby bump early. Now, I am considering investing in SUPER baggy clothing in hopes that people will think I'm just letting go and getting fat! I think in the last pregnancy that went awful I was already showing at 10 weeks. Can we please just fast forward to October?? And magically have no concerns or complications?

On top of this, my good friend lost her baby almost one year ago. I don't want her to feel hurt that we are pregnant. Do I tell her? I don't even want to tell my children or close family. But I don't want her to feel forgotten. Telling her sounds painful, not telling her seems inconsiderate. We have friends who choose to tell us before making announcements, and others who I think felt uncomfortable so they didn't. Seeing our different friends get pregnant in the last two years was simply torturous. (regardless of when/how they shared). Every time it dredges up the emotions and we do our best to celebrate and be happy for them. Because we are, we LOVE babies and want that for them. But it pulls us back into the why us? Isn't it our turn? Difficult decisions. How do you care for friends in that situation? I just want to protect her heart. She has already been through way too much. We all have.

Can I do this? Can my body do this? I'm so scared. There are just so many things that can go wrong. I hate that I know that.
February 16, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterapril
A gentle congratulations to April and Jessica! Welcome to the thread!

April, I had a similar struggle deciding to tell a good friend who also has had multiple MC. I decided it was best to tell her as soon as possible so that she wouldn't hear it from someone else. I thought that was the kindest most loving way to think of her feelings. I decided it was what I would want her to do for me.
February 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Thank you for the reply. I will tell my friend- just trying to figure out the most gentle way. I was lurking on other posts and you had posted the most encouraging and simple thing I have seen in a while. I'm stressed and scared about this pregnancy, but...

"We are pregnant today!"- Emily

Yes, we are! I think that will be my daily positive mental saying when I freak out. And hopefully, until I'm holding my baby, and I can say, "I have my baby today!"
February 17, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterapril
Just checking in to say hello and glad you are all still here (and welcome Michelle, April and Jessica :)

I'm 25 weeks now, which I still find difficult to fathom. Things seem to be going OK and have had a couple of scans/check ups since Jan. Because she's moving so much, I feel a tight bond forming with this baby. It's comforting but also terrifying. I've had 3 pregnancies since my son Hunter was stillborn at 39 weeks, but none of them went past 15 weeks. This is the first pregnancy that has really given me hope...but hope brings it's only challenges!

Work has been pretty hectic, which has helped to keep me distracted, but I've decided to go back to counselling this week. I am very scared about delivery because my son died during labour, so have a c section booked in for May 16. I think the fear is something I'll have to work on with my counsellor over the next couple of months.

Sending you all positive vibes
February 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
*own not only
February 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Hello ladies!
welcome april and jessica!
Michelle I loved your words... they were so soothing, sweet and positive... Thank you for sharing such a good day with us!
Shanon it is so good to hear from you! Congrats on 25w!
For me it is now 37w. Today we had anothar scan, so he looks fine, almost nearing 3kg!
The date is set for the 3rd... It still looks such a long time away... but it is not!

Today feels like a good day!
February 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
In a week I will have him in my arms (or not).
In a week will we be happy?
What ifs are becoming more and more recurrent...

These past days I contacted some colleagues from work, by email, and the messages are filled of stupid (ok, normal and sweet under regular circunstances) things like you must be so happily anxious/thrilled with excitement (sorry, this is a translation of their meaning) and you must have everything ready (no, I do not... can't seem to find my confidence to finish anything).
I havent replyed anything about the subject. I know they are being nice, but I can't really ruin their happiness by reminding them of why I am not thrilled and carefree, can I?

It is not like I am not excited... I am... but then again, fear is a constant also.

It is the little things... what will his first clothes be/what will his burial clothes be. The two come together.
So I think, not today, but at least right now, its not a good moment.

Even if he keeps kicking away to say, I am still here, Iam receiving sugar and oxygen aplenty to be as vivacious as I am! The placenta is working properly. But what if it stops?!? Suddenly... what if.

Just one more week... day by day.
February 24, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi Ladies,
Congratulation April! I had similar thoughts about wanting to hide my pregnancy, in the end we have told people close to us and friends as we see them, knowing IF something does happen, we will need the support of those that love us. We have chosen to keep quiet on social media until after the birth. It is really a personal decision and whatever you feel most comfortable with, I don't think there is a right or wrong. We found that people reacted differently to our news this time around. I think they are trying to get a read off us to see how they should react. I think some just see how scared we are so they are holding their breath right along with us, I was just thinking the other day that many people we told didn't even say congratulations. I have been able to be really open and honest with some of my best friends and they see how we are grieving, are anxious but are also excited. Some of my girlfriends have been finding a really nice balance of supporting us through this. We have conversations which feel "normal" about names, getting excited etc, but they also listen to my worries and do their best to understand how hard this is. Good luck telling your friend. I had a similar situation at work. A really sweet coworker has no living children and has had many losses. I decided to tell her first before I started to show and before other's knew, to give her time to process.

Shannon, you and I will be having our babies at the same time! I am 26 weeks today and will be induced sometime between 37 and 38 weeks. I can't wait to celebrate with you. It feels like May is SO far away at the moment!

Marta, you are SO close! I can understand how your anxieties and worries must be increasing. At this point, you must want to celebrate and just be excited but we all know why that is so difficult. That awful what if feeling is always lingering. I will be hoping and praying for you. I can imagine the emails from your coworkers. I think it's safe to say people who haven't been through loss just truly don't get it. Sometimes I wonder if people have forgotten about my son already when they make certain comments. Sometimes I think people think we are "fixed" because we are pregnant again. They don't understand we LOST A CHILD. One that can never be replaced or fixed and definitely not forgotten about! I think that is why connections like this are so important. I remember after I returned to work after losing my son, some coworkers sat across the lunch table from me talking about their birth stories with another pregnant co worker. I had to go cry in the bathroom. I couldn't believe they could just sit there and talk in front of me when I had such a devastating loss a few months before. My husband reminded me that people just don't get it. Simple as that.

Have a gentle day everyone XO
February 24, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Just a quick one to say I'm thinking of you!!!!!!!!
Love and lots of zennnnnn vibes to all here.
February 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi Everyone,

Good to read about all of you. It makes me feel less alone. I'm 26 weeks pregnant after losing my son at 27 weeks in March. The anniversary is coming up plus I am almost on the same schedule and that freaks me out, makes me sad, all those things while I'm getting big enough that colleagues now dare to ask if I'm pregnant. I hate talking about it, but I started a new job after my loss, so nobody knows and I try to get out of these pregnancy conversations as quickly as possible without being weird or rude.

EmilyBW, just wanted to tell you that I got a Doppler and found a heartbeat at 8.5 weeks. It was so helpful to get me through when the baby wasn't kicking yet. Whenever I panicked I could check if the baby was still alive. I got the WombMusic one and it has been working really well. I have been using it less and less since the baby started moving, because I have a constant reassurance "built in" and because I do not want to calm myself down with a Doppler if I have the feeling something is wrong with the movement. My husband also really likes having it when he feels scared. I am glad we got one, but I understand that it's not for everyone.

Thinking of all of you and your babies!
February 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom