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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Searching for happiness and hope

I didn't think I would have the courage to write this post, but I need to know I'm not alone with my thoughts..

Last year I was pregnant with my first child, me and my fiance were SO excited to become parents to our very own sweet little baby. But things didn't really go the way we hoped. I started to bleed heavily out of nowhere on week 11+4. We rushed to the hospital to get an ultrasound. I will forever remember the nurse who did the ultra, she just said in the coldest voice "looks like it has been dead since week 10+5". I just lost it and started crying like never before. I ended up staying the night in the hospital and got some medicine to get the baby and placenta out the natural way.

After it all was over, I couldn't see a baby or baby stuff without crying. I was cooped up at home for a week just crying, I couldn't stop it. My fiance didn't cry much, just a little at the hospital. I felt so guilty for crying like crazy, I just felt like a part of me was dead.

Skipping forward to this date, I am now pregnant with baby number two in weeks 8+2. Not far yet, but I am trying not to think too much about what happened last time. I am so scared of the future, will I feel excited one day? When can I really relax and enjoy this pregnancy? When will I be happy again? I am constantly sad, tensed, emotionally unstable, confused and scared. I am desperately searching for signs of pregnancy, where is my morning sickness, why are my breasts not hurting, why haven't I peed in 5 hours? I know I'm being ridiculous searching for all these signs, but they give me comfort, that all is going well. I constantly fear for week 11, time is going too slow. Every little cramp or pain I feel in my abdominal area, makes me go mad.

I am going insane with all my thoughts and scenarios that just keeps going on and on, non-stop in my head. I don't know how I will ever start enjoying this, until I have my baby in my arms, or will I?

How do you overcome your fears and doubts? How do you start to trust your own body to take care of this baby?

I am longing for happiness and hope...
February 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
Dear Jessica,

I've been thinking about what to write you all day. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the horrible nurse. No one should be told they have lost their baby that way, that's awful. And a gentle congratulations on your new pregnancy.

You're story is very similar to mine. And it really stinks that it was your first because it will be hard and you may not find any of it easy to be pregnant again. I think for many of us on Glow who are pregnant again after loss, it's one day at a time. We are grateful for being pregnant today. Trying to imagine the whole journey is sometimes overwhelmingly difficult so it's just a moment by moment thing. Sometimes you will be convinced your baby is gone. I think that happens to me about every other day. Especially in the beginning before you feel much movement. Mostly it helps to know the other moms on the site who are experiencing the same emotions and fears. There is a pregnancy thread that addresses those feelings each month. A February thread should start in a day or two. I find it really comforting and it helps to hear and be heard. Also a therapist or counselor might be really helpful. I know it helped me immensely to be able to talk through things with someone who wasn't going to tire of me and it kind of channeled my thoughts.

I hope we see you on the pregnancy thread.

Today we are pregnant!
February 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW